Defensive Smoking

[silliemillie]

My sister is a really defensive smoker, (her cough is nothing to do with her habit ect, ect)

Anyway, her son is visiting next week with his 5 month pregnant girlfriend, they won't be there long, about 2-3 hours, they have asked her in advance if she would refrain from smoking while they are there.

She has gone off on a defensive tangent saying she wasn't going to anyway, she can go for more than a couple of hours without a fag, but thinks they have a cheek telling her what to do in her own home ect ect.

I can see it from both sides, what do you people think?

[ChillDoubt]

Any family member who would have considered lighting up around my children would have been told(not asked) no to.
Anyone in their own property would have been asked not to. If they failed to follow my wishes, I'd have left immediately without any problem.

[marval]

I think they had a right to ask her not to smoke. They are being responsible parents to be. It is a shame she thought it was a cheek.

[sherrardk]

Some people are arsey about their smoking habits. If she can't refrain from smoking when the girlfriend is pregnant then she runs the risk of them not visiting when the baby gets here. (I'm a smoker but I'm a bit 'posh' about it - don't smoke in the street, etc.)

[kvalidir]

I can understand her being upset, the implication in her son asking is that if he hadn't she'd have merrily chugged away around his wife when she says she had no intention of doing so anyway. It implies she's crass and stupid and I think it is somewhat rude to visit someone in their home and dictate how they behave. Had it been me not wishing to be around a smoker, I would have engineered a visit whereby that scenario couldn't occur, not risk making someone I love feel naff as your sister obviously now does.
I can understand your son being protective of his unborn child, but he does need to consider his mother's feelings as well and I'm sure he could have given her the opportunity of doing the right thing without his suggestion.

[Svejk]

she can do what she wants in her own home and I agree with her, they've got some nerve telling her what to do in her own house.

[silliemillie]

Yes she is very defensive, but its not normally a problem as what she does in her own house is usually up to her, I'm a non smoker and don't allow her to smoke at mine.

Sherrard - a posh smoker, LOL

[Sipowicz]

They haven't "told her what to do", they've "asked her to refrain". She's got the problem, not them.

[sherrardk]

I think it depends on the personalities involved. My MIL, had she lived long enough, would quite happily have picked up any of mine as babies with a lit fag hanging out of her mouth.

[woofgang]

So she's "defensive" Surely she can only be defensive if other people go on the attack?
I am not a smoker. I think its a filthy habit and can smell a smoker a mile off....but my house my rules. If someone was visiting me in my house and made a comparable request I'd be offended too. Not defensive. offended.
I can understand your nephew and his girlfriend not wanting to be around smokers at this time, I think though that there were other ways og dealing with this than asking someone not to smoke in their own home.

[craft1948]

I don't see that the sister has a problem Sipowicz, exactly what is it?
I smoke but I'm obviously aware that I wouldn't smoke in front of pregnant ladies and small children.
If I was told not to smoke in my own home I'd tell them to *** off............

[silliemillie]

Oh Sherrard, that's awful, no, my sister wouldn't dream of doing that.

[sherrardk]

Sillie - fortunately (well, not for her) the situation never arose but I can see both sides, think it really depends upon the personalities and the relationship they have.

[Svejk]

ask/tell, same thing in this situation. No-one, chilli included, would tell/ask me what to do in my own house. Leastways, they wouldn't do it twice.

[Sipowicz]

She wasn't "told", she was asked. I've a feeling this thread will run and run, I'm outta here, night night!

[Canary42]

I can see where your sister is coming from - she's already decided not to smoke while they're there and secretly no doubt (and quite understandably too) feels a little righteous about doing so, but then son/girlfriend come along and ASSUME she will unless they ask her not to. A bit hurtful, but a bit more understanding on both sides should be exercised.

[stan79]

It is difficult for all of us to see anothers point of view
Do your best to warmly and calmly explain. After accepting her response- "if its too hot get out of the kitchen"

[silliemillie]

Wow, a lot of mixed views there, I can see my nephews point of view but can also see how hurt my sister is. But I know sis will smile sweetly and welcome them in with open arms when they arrive.

[paul1763]

they're planning to visit a house that in theory will be full of smoke, so i don't see what the difference is. she will probobly put out her last fag when they ring the bell anyway. personally i'd ask them to stand in the garden or on the door step while i had a smoke. (i'm an ex smoker, my partner still smokes) i've no objection whatsoever. i think its typical of todays kids trying to dictate to the parents.

[janbee]

They ASKED her, they didn't tell her, to stop for a couple of hours. It was a very reasonable request and if she can't oblige, then shame on her. My sister is exactly the same, she just refuses to stop and despite being a cancer survivor and having had all the RT and chemo and surgery etc, she STILL smokes,, despite all medical advice. Selfish and irresponsible and totally defensive at all times.