Father Issues

[ukanonymous]

My dad lives a lone and has done most of his older life. He hates everyone really and trusts no one. Anyway he has 3 other sons/ daughter but fallen out with them claiming they are evil and bad and done him out of money etc. anyway he has always said he will leave everything to me. About 6 years ago he moved to France and he repeatedly said that if anything happens to him what he has gets equally divided up between his kids. I usually visit him around 1-2 times per year and once he said next time I visit he will put everything in my name. this never happened but he constantly keeps telling me everything is for me but if anything happens to him because of French law it gets divided up between all his kids.

Anyway He is getting very ill lately and I offered he could come and live at my place I have in Spain (where I am currently based) and he said he will go back to England as he doesn't want to go in an old peoples home in France. He even said if his pain continues he will top himself.

He also started saying again that if anything happens what he has will be divided up between all his kids.

I am starting to get really angry at this. I am to the limit of caring and insulted. By him saying everything is for me must be some kind of golden carrot to make me pay attention to him or something. This seams more true the fact he says he will transfer to me and then just forgot everything.

Personally I would never even have thought about inheritance if he hadn't constantly banged on about it playing with my mind all the time.

I am sick of him talking about it. the last time I spoke to him he put his fingers against his head and made a gun shooting noise saying 'if my pain stays like this' and then started complaining to ME that if he dies everything will get shared out.

I can't bear to speak with him anymore he really has just started to make my skin crawl now. To think I am motivated by his inheritance insults me and for him to believe this is my motive just is crazy. Why would you give everything to someone who is just after your money? And he must think this otherwise he would never tell me every 2 minutes everything is for me.

The situation is horrible and I don't want to see him again. Am I wrong for this? I would sit down and talk to him but trust me he is not the sort of person to talk to. His thoughts and personal business arre not to be discussed and he is allowed to make false promises and let people down as that is what he has done since I was a child. Yet in his eyes he is perfect. What is this person really about? Is there any normal good person in there?

[Retrochic]

If he has not made a Will then his money will automatically be divided up between his children if he is not married, regardless of what country he is in. Unless you can get him to make a Will this is what will happen.

[bednobs]

your question is really puzzling - how can you at one moment ask him to come and live with you, and the next moment not want to see him again?
I also truly fail to understand why the situation is so horrible for you. quite often my mother in law tells my husband that when she dies, he should keep everything, we just smile and carry on because we know that she actually has less than nothing.
Don't ascribe motives to your dad that he may not have - has he ever said that he thinks you are money grabbing?
Perhaps he says the same to the pthers (if/when he speaks to them) because he thinks it's what you all want to hear. Perhaps he has massive debts that he's not telling you about?
Just take inheritance/money out of the equation all together, and enjoy him (or not!) as your dad - the only one you'll ever get.

[ukanonymous]

in France it is different actually. It goes to all your children regardless of will or not.

[woofgang]

Your choice to stay or go Uk. I doubt he will change now, I doubt he will leave everything to you and if he stays in France, whether he does or doesn't won't be relevant anyway.
In any case how can you be right or wrong? By your beliefs we are all binary signals in a computer with no choice.

[ukanonymous]

bednobs I asked him to come and live with me but then he started banging on about inheritance again. Saying he wanted everything to go to me but because he was in France that can't happen. Like I said once he said everything he will sign over to my name but it never happened..

Why would someone constantly say 'Everything will go to you' then the next minute complain that the laws wont allow it.. Then say he will sign everything over.


Anyway I can make my own money and it was litterally last night after talking to him that he has been dangling a golden carrot in front of me for a long time hoping I would want and follow it. This has not been my intention. After realising all this I want nothing to do with a horrible person like that. This is a person who has 1 friend and I am the only person who he speaks to out of his family.

The whole thing to me is sick. Trying to buy a childs love with empty promises is just sick to me and I don't want to be involved with it. I wish I had realised sooner and not wasted a lot of time and effort with him.

My mother always wished he will die a slow painful death. I remember him strangling her when she was on the kitchen floor once and I remember having to stay locked in a room going to the toilet in a bucket for days as he was crazy with a shot gun or something.


Now I just somehow realise how crazy I am to actually care for this person who obviously cares nothing apart from himself.

[ukanonymous]

woofgang //By your beliefs we are all binary signals in a computer with no choice.// er I never said that at all. Not even once. Also it is a serious thread so kindly try stick to the subject as opposed to trying to get a little dig in while you can. Its not really appropriate.

[Ric.ror]

Do you think the pain he is in may be altering his behaviour? It could account for it. I think you are in a no win situation because I'm sure if you left him alone you would feel guilty

[bednobs]

then that's fine - if you don't like him or want to keep up a relationship with him, then don't but don't use an inheritance/lack of an inheritance as the reason

[Prudie]

Is he actually French? You keep saying the law in France re inheritance but surely if he dies intestate it would be the laws of his nationality rather than where he lives? And if everything goes to children in France then why would French people even write a will? There must be more to it than that.

[bednobs]

but it seems as if the will/inheritance stuff is a complete red Herring

[ukanonymous]

prudie... That is france for you... Its not a red herring. If he was genuinely happy for the offer to come stay with me then fine. But he dismissed the idea and wanted to go back to the UK where he really knows ZERO people. He is from the UK.

[ukanonymous]

divebuddy well thanks for that. I remember I was staying with him at university too. He kicked me out and didnt speak to me for 6 months and stopped financially supporting me . I wouldn't consider doing that to children I brought into the world. Anyway after that he resurfaced promising everything was mine again. Strange strange strange. Maybe it does make me irrational and yes a bit confused

[Mosaic]

Dear old UKanon
'They *** you up, your parents...' a poem by Philip Larkin, worth looking up in your situation.
This man sounds a veritable nightmare, whether young and fit or old and ill. You say you've done everything you can in this life to ease his situation. Many people on this forum will have had similar parentla experiences to yours and they often ask whether their reaction in rejecting said vile abusive relative is OK.
My own reaction to this situation would be to wash my hands of him and get on with loving my life and myself.
But I can't suggest you do this - only you know what will make you feel comfortable.
You have described a manipulative person who in his prime has also been violent to those he controls. Now, in his dotage, the only way he can control the people who still bother with him is with subtle (or blatant) combinations of threats and promises.
Why not take the middle road for a bit and see how you go. Send a message along the lines of - well, you know where I am if you want to get in touch', and leave it up to him.
Above all congratulate yourself at having been kind to this undeserving being for all these years.
If you don't want to bother with the old sod, good for you.

[ukanonymous]

Mosaic. That made me feel a lot better! Thank you :)

[Retrochic]

I know quite a bit about French inheritance laws through having family there and administration of an Estate a few years ago. Your father could make a will through UK solicitors and the Estate would be administered through them following UK laws. As from what you have said its highly unlikely he will do this then his Estate, wherever its administered will follow Intestacy laws.
IF your father is annoying you to such a degree then get him out of your life -

[atalanta]

If he owns property in France, he must make a French will. If he rents his French home, and his whole remaining estate is based in England, he must make a UK will. It sounds to me as if he may be suffering the early signs of dementia, and these signs are worrying him. This is exactly what happened with my own father. He tried to fight off the forgetfulness, and this made him aggressive. Unfortunately, if it is dementia, your father will forget what he said to you, and will probably become even more aggressive if you try to remind him. This may be the moment for all his offspring to get together to persuade him to give you ( some or all of you) power of attorney. Taking control of the affairs of someone who will not give POA, and who is now clearly demented, is a nightmare in the UK. I dread to think what you would face if you had to do such a thing in France.
My sympathies are with you

[ukanonymous]

I really don't think he has dimentia. He hasn't forgotten what he said he has been making empty promises to bribe his own relatives. . Even though bribery was never even needed.

[Retrochic]

uk -your father sounds like my mother -she works one child off against another and causes trouble for no reason. Some of the things she says beggars belief. I didn't speak to her for years after a terrible childhood of abuse but a few years ago got back in touch to try and be the 'better person' -now I realise she is just as bad if not worse than ever and has major psychological problems. I no longer feel sorry for this nasty manipulative old woman and am now trying to distance myself despite feeling guilty. For your own sanity just walk away .

[ukanonymous]

Sorry to hear your station retro but thanks for the advice. It's horrible when people like this are parents.