Helping Daughter Under Pressure

[Black Noir]

I am not sure whether this is a teenage blip or something more serious !
My Daughter is due to receive her AS results in a few weeks, she has worked hard throughout school achieving 9 A/A*, and took 5 A Levels this year all in science and maths related subjects - good mock results indicating As again.
However since breaking up she has become depressed and withdrawn and is now saying she doesn't want to go to University, she was looking at a geophysics degree.
When we spoke this week, during many recent tearful episodes, she says she feels alone and doesn't know what she wants to do with her life job wise. She has always enjoyed playing guitar (quietly in her room so no-one can hear) and is now saying she would prefer a career in the music industry.
I am obviously concerned about her state of mind and how i can help.
Any suggestions?

btw I never went to University so want this to be her choice alone

[woofgang]

Would she talk to a counsellor? I have no children myself but my friends do and a post school or post Uni, bout of depression seems to be not uncommon.

[fiction-factory]

I was very apprehensive too just before I went away to university as I din't know anyone else who was going there, but once i got there I loved it straightaway. But maybe Your daughter is far more apprehensive/upset than I was and maybe she isn't ready for going away. I would not pressure her- just give her time to decide what she wants to do. Tell her you will support her whatever her decision. She may decide she does want to go after all. There is always the option to defer for a year. Some people i know didn't go to university at all but did very well for themselves doing things theyw ere good at and enjoyed

[Mosaic]

You've got an amazingly talented young adult BN - what a delight she must be. This blip looks to me like an understandable reaction to a time of intense pressure. Nobody mentions how difficult A-levels are. If she can do what she's done, she can do anything she turns her mind to. And just so you know, mathematical and musical talent often go together, so being good at music isn't a million miles from having a good head for calculation. You can reassure her about this little point.
Part of her dichotomy might be that she's realised the treadmill she's been on. Most sixth form colleges channel students to universities - it makes their own figures look good - but it isn't always the right choice for the individual.
So she might do herself a favour by taking a year out. She could do some music-related work, or internships, or work-shadowing - maybe if you're in the right location she could even get a paid job to tide her over and gain some work experience. I'm not at all suggesting future routes, but the reality is that many well-qualified graduates in the UK can't get work commensurate with the sweat they put into getting qualified. So supporting her in taking stock of what her options could be for the future might result in her deciding not to attend uni at this point - which need not be a major disaster.
Does she have friends, a social group, attend a hiking group - anything to take her mind off the here and now, as the lead-up to results day is agonising, and I'm afraid there are idiots on social media who just whip up the hysteria.
Just your solid presence as a parent and unquestioning love are very important, now as ever, and after results day she might feel the pressure easing.
But really and truly, she deserves some time without academic pressure to reflect and reassess, and the best of luck for the next few weeks. Let us know how she gets on!

[Zacs-Master]

It's just a backlash against the pressure mixed with teenage angst, as others have said. She's probably worrying that her results will be bad and thinking ' what's my back up plan'. Once she sees her results her enthusiasm will return, I'm sure.

[Sqad]

Well, I have hung back on this thread but i cannot do so any longer.

I would be furious.

My attitude would be, that we had brought you up, given you the best education that we could and have encouraged you throughout.
Going to University is a privilege and not a right and if you cannot take advantage of this, then turn it down and let someone who would take advantage take your place. Unless you can give me a better argument for not going, then you go to University and if you can't take it, then you make the decision to drop out.

I would put my boot up her...@rse and explain that there is little future in "strumming" her guitar in her bedroom.

Well. that is that.

[fiction-factory]

I wonder if Ed Sheeran's parents said the same thing to him, sqad

[ummmm]

Sqad...you have nothing positive to say about your own kids or grandkids so you are the last person I would ever listen to regarding parenting choices.

[Sammy48]

Sqad lol lol you do make me laugh. Have you ever thought about writing a book on 'Good Parenting'

[ladyalex]

When sqad rants like this it makes me sad.

I have seen him being compassionate on here so feel sad that he has to cover positive feelings with angry ravings.

[ladyalex]

Sorry for the interruption, Black Noir.
I think you have been given very good advice by the posters above.
I don't exclude sqad's advice as there may be some merit in being a bit firm/ realistic with your daughter.......but my boot wouldn't be going anywhere near her.

[stuey]

Well, he does have a point; isn't it nowadays called "tough love", or something similar. This person is still, let's face it, a child: the fact that the most important thing, it seems, in her life right now is the fact that she's broken up with somebody sort of proves that. We've all been there and survived. What would I suggest to the OP what to do?...I have no idea: every family and every situation is different. But, you know what, things will work out.

[ummmm]

I read it as breaking up from school.

[stuey]

I've never heard it put that way, Ummmm. Is that a Britishism for leaving school?

[ladyalex]

I don't think she has broken up with anyone, Stuey. I think 'broken up' meant leaving school. (Break up for the holidays.)
Having said that, you are right.....these things always work out.

[ummmm]

Stuey - they break up for holidays.

[ladyalex]

Holidays = summer vacation, not Christmas!
Two countries divided by a common language!

[stuey]

OK, thanks to both of you.

[Sammy48]

To be honest I think there is a lot of pressure on kids to do well in everything. That's fine, but it is a tremendous torch to carry on young shoulders. Perhaps your daughter is just having a wobble In the fact of leaving home to go to Uni.

I would say just let her strum her guitar for now and not pressurise her into any decision.

[Mosaic]

Can't actually believe a medical professional would react to someone's distress in such an aggressive way.

[Retrochic]

My eldest was brilliant at school and achieved 4 A levels in Sciences. She got a place at a top Uni but only did 3 months and came home depressed. We gave her a chance to wind down (which she did with gusto) and restarted her year the following September and went on to achieve a good Degree in Maths. You daughter would probably benefit from a year off,it will do her the world of good -let her get a job in a Supermarket, join a music club, just de-stress and I'm sure she will be raring to get to Uni in September 16.