Can't Please Family

[Smowball]

There isn't really an answer but just needed to offload. To cut a really long story short I moved away from my children 10 years ago but saw them regularly due to a very complicated situation. And rightly or wrongly they have never really forgiven me. They are all adults now and my daughter even has an 18 month old and another on the way. I visit as often as I can and have to stay in hotels as nobody has a spare room. I try my very very best and txt all the time, call them but the whole situation is breaking my heart. My youngest who is 22 is in and out of trouble and says it's all my fault. (Maybe?) he only contacts me when he wants money and never any other time. My 25 yr old son replies to nothing and makes an excuse not to see me every time I go up. Last time I managed to see him was Xmas and I tried to get to the bottom of it and he basically said I can't be q mother if I live 3 hrs away and I should sell my house and move back. My eldest is 27 and I see her every time but again she makes me feel dreadful every time I see her by saying I'm missing out, we can't have q proper relationship u less I live in same town. She constantly posts FB pics of her child and tags her partners mum in saying best nanny ever which kills me. I've even paid on their house but that seems to be OK to take that. None of them ever ver visit me or even ring me. The only time was when my youngest came at new year and I had to pay for all the train tickets . Ive tried saying that lots of families live with a distance but that's not normal apparently. I'm feeling used and think they are being unfair now as what else do they ant me to do?? Am I being completely wrong?

[ummmm]

She didn't abandon them.

[Retrochic]

Ummmm - children are deeply effected when ANY parent 'moves away' as you call it .

[Retrochic]

The OP left her children and moved away with another man and had a child -I am not judging just describing what happened. For a young teenager to me that would seem to have been 'abandoned'.

[Smowball]

I moved away yes but some of the comments seem to make it sound as though I never saw them again which simply isn't true - I was in constant contact which of course wasn't ideal but I did the best that I could at the time.

[ummmm]

Retro...I walked out with a carrier bag of clothes and didn't see or speak to mother for over two years.

I found it easy to forgive and get over it.

[Retrochic]

Smowball what are you actually asking? I don't know why you feel 'used' -Thats what kids do -ask for money,babysitting,whatever they need and then never call for weeks. I can't understand why you are complaining you had to pay for your youngest train tickets to see you - In the past I've paid plane tickets for kids to come home -its what parents do.

[woofgang]

I’d be writing to them and saying you did your best at a difficult time and If all they want from you is money and all they give you is grief then bye bye. Whoever they are, whatever the history enough is enough.

[Mamyalynne]

I used the word 'abandonment' in my reply, not as my view but it seems how they saw it and to a point still do. They haven't the maturity to see that what you did back then was the only way open to you.

[Smowball]

Retrochic - I'm saying they either want a relationship or they don't, but to only contact me when they want money and then give me the cold shoulder Inbetween is in my eyes unfair and using. It would be different if I got the odd txt or call or chat Inbetween but to ask for a deposit on a house and then completely blank me till car insurance is due isn't right

[Retrochic]

smowball -you are correct -that is not acceptable behaviour. The best thing you can do is blank them the next time money is wanted for anything other than emergencies. To be honest I don't think things would be much different if you lived a couple of miles away - you living away is a good excuse for them to 'punish' you -however reprehensible that may seem.

[bhg481]

You're clearly a soft touch. The next time one of them comes round for money, whatever the reason, just say "NO". Tell them they've abused your good nature and that you've had enough and you don't want to see them again. You could also add that, since they've cut you out of your life you're going to cut them out of your will; that'll shake them.

[EDDIE51]

Ummm You obviously walked out on your mother, which is a totally different situation from this. The children will see it as being 'abandoned' by the most important person in their lives. Keeping in touch is far different from being there 24/7.
(I have 5 children and 12 grandchildren by the way and we have had far more than our fair share of problems)

[Ellipsis]

> only contact me when they want money

I know this has been pointed out before, but just to reiterate - this kind of behaviour is true of many young "adults" and is not necessarily a reflection on the fact that you left them.

[Smowball]

To everyone - I absolutely know that how I handled things 10 years ago wAsnt right but I was a different person then and not in a good place. I'm stronger now and have had counselling. And I've really really tried so hard but whoever just said that they are punishing me is right - I probably deserve it but there comes a time when enough is enough. I am a soft touch indeed, too much so. Just as a point their dad lives right by them - in fact 2 miles from my daughter and he never visits any of them - and yet i drive 3 hours each way to try and see them as often as I can even though often 2 of them will not even turn up. I think I'm saying I want them to either say no we ant forgive you and don't want to know, or say yes we felt abandoned and have been very angry but let's move on now

[ummmm]

You're right, Eddie, I did walk out. Not on her, she's a lovely lady, I walked out on her boyfriend. The only person in this world I'd actually spit at.

[ummmm]

Smow...you're being too harsh on yourself. Life throws crap at us. We can only deal with it at that time. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

[Sqad]

Smowball....well, you really b@lssed that up didn't you, but don't blame yourself. You made a decision years ago based on the facts as they were then.......I admire that.
I would say that half the marriages are shams and many just can't be bothered to do anything about it.
The kids have grown up...they have their own families,their own ideas of making marriage work and bringing up their kids....that's their problem.

That chapter in your life is finished......so look for a them for your next chapter.

[maggiebee]

Just a passing thought Smow - would you be blaming your children if they had moved away to live in a different city from you. Neither of my children live anywhere near me - no blame, just circumstances. You had your own reasons for moving on.

[Smowball]

Squad that did make me smile......I love them all so much and just want , as you said, to move on and have a future where they come and visit etc.

[Smowball]

Wish this website had a 'like' button : )