Advice For Daughter Please?

[Smowball]

I’m staying in Norfolk for 2 days to visit family/drop Xmas presents off. I saw daughter yesterday and she is at the absolute end of her tether with her 3 yr old girl. She is very bright, very tall for her age and speaks very well - she understands everything you say and can have a complete conversation with her so she knows what she is doing and saying.
But..... she has the most incredible temper tantrums about absolutely nothing, and about 20 times a day! I’ve seen them and omg..... as for bed time.....
For example it will be dinner and she’ll ask for orange squash. Are you sure? Yes. Is given the squash. She shoves cup across table and goes into full meltdown. DIDNT WANT SQUASH!!!!! They’ve tried ignoring her, telling her off, taking the squash away, trying to calm her down and reason with her, naughty step....nothing works.
Bedtime lastnight. All kisses and cuddles. Takes her to bed. Gets in bed just fine. Mum isn’t even at top of stairs and she is behind her screaming IM NOT TIRED!!!!! Bearing in mind daughter also has a 17 month old she can’t let her just carry on screaming. They did lastnight and she kept it going for well over an hour.
My daughter just collapsed sobbing onto the sofa. This is absolutely every single day and I just don’t know what to suggest anymore.
Any advice??

[woofgang]

Has she spoken to her doctor about this? Involved child and family services?

[murraymints]

agree GP perhaps adhd ?.. needs diagnosis and treatment whatever

[Smowball]

No she hasn’t. She’s spoken to nursery and bizarrely they say she is a model child. They only time she’s had a meltdown was this week when it was the Xmas photos . She refused point blank to have her photo taken and did the temper meltdown but apart from that they say they say she is an angel!

[murraymints]

then perhaps a referral to child psychology is an option..daughter can't go on like that smow..poor girl...

[emmie]

is she jealous of the 17 month old, and is vying for attention,

[murraymints]

E numbers in food... orange squash is classic and blue smarties with nephew...

[murraymints]

maybe she needs a month in Nanna's boot camp ? ... just a thought...;)

[emmie]

she knows she can get away with it, perhaps a psychologist can help.

[woofgang]

murray....first you say ADHD, then you suggest "boot camp" I REALLY hope the second suggestion isn't serious?

[1581960]

If a 3yr old's tantrums get her what she wants they will obviously continue. Special attention and treats when she is being good could perhaps help and will be as important, or more so, than being firm when the tantrums do occur. Letting her scream for an hour last night, difficult as it must have been, could well have a positive effect as long as that approach is continued, she certainly won't scream for an hour twenty times a day. Be cruel to be kind perhaps but give her all the love in the world when she stops.

Wish your daughter good luck, not an easy problem to cope with.

[Smowball]

Daughter is really good about what she feeds her and she absolutely isn’t spoilt. She’s like this whether 17 month old is there or not. I’ve had 4 kids myself and I have to confess I couldn’t cope with this every day. The fact she doesn’t do it at nursery is making my daughter feel a complete failure. But she does the exact same behaviour for her dad too.

[murraymints]

woofy..tongue in cheek..often children behave much better for G parents than own mum and dad....

[pixie374]

I agree with watching the orange squash and E numbers... That she knows how to behave at nursery, does imply there may be some jealousy there. Obviously, giving her lots of attention and telling her when she is behaving well... would she understand a star chart or something like that for good behaviour? I sympathise... she will outgrow it, but that isn't much consolation now.

[woofgang]

sorry, not a Mum but cannot agree. I have seen children who CAN lose it and scream 20 times a day for "no reason" It wasn't to get their own way and being firm and letting them scream did not help. Again I strongly suggest getting expert help and assessment.

[murraymints]

star charts sound good Pix.. a positive and visual encouragement to be good...worth a go...

[Smowball]

This sounds silly but daughter has done all this. Star chart is on fridge door as we speak. She is praised really well for good things. She doesn’t get her own way ie the squash - she wasn’t given a second drink. There is a little bit of jealousy I think as 17 month old literally is an angel - she just toddles around grinning all day. But these tantrums are so extreme.

[Old_Geezer]

She knows she can get away with it with mum.

In my day the promise of something to scream about used to work wonders; at least after a few times. Now-a-days correction is frowned upon, so your daughter can only ignore it all and hope the lack of a hoped for response eventually works.

Meanwhile I pity the poor neighbours.

If all finally fails, then I'd agree with the suggestion of a trip to the child psychologist.

[jakep]

She should try and get advice from health professionals, what a dreadful situation, your daughter must be in a dreadful state.
Possible attention seeking because of the new baby, especially as she is mostly fine at nursery.
My friend overcame a less fraught situation by putting the baby to sleep and devoting all of that time to the toddler.
Not easy.

[Old_Geezer]

You may have hit upon the cause when you mention jealousy. Is this something that started with the new baby ?

[dannyk13]

Whatever the cause your daughter needs to seek professional help.