Am I Being Unreasonable?

[Big Jenny]

Sorry if this is a bit long-winded. I have tried to condense it. I’d be interested to hear what others think.

My son left his wife of 8 years at the beginning of September. It was a complete shock to us, to the rest of the family, and not least, to his wife. A bolt out of the blue. Within a couple of weeks he was seeing someone else. He swears that, although they first met at a mutual friend’s house in August, they weren’t seeing one another before the marriage break-up, and that he didn’t get in touch with her again until he had left, and it had nothing to do with him leaving his wife. Believe that if you like – I am still not convinced.

Now he wants us all to meet the new girlfriend, and has even suggested she spend Christmas with us. Am I being unreasonable in saying that I am not ready to meet her yet, and really don’t want her to come for Christmas? I think it’s far too soon – I am still reeling from the shock of him leaving his wife – but he says I have hurt him very much by my attitude, and I obviously don’t care about his happiness. That is not true at all, but I really feel he has acted with indecent haste and should leave it a bit before trying to make her “part of the family”.

When he was a teenager, we expected relationships to come and go, and we met quite a number of girlfriends which didn’t last very long. Now, though, he is a 40 year old man, and we are no spring chickens ourselves, and we just can’t be doing with having to start that malarkey all over again. Who’s to say how long this one will be around?

I just don’t know how to deal with this situation, and hate to think I am alienating my son. What can I say to him to get him to see my point of view?

BJ

[Big Jenny]

Yes, woofgang, I know it seems odd that I wasn't especially fond of my DIL, but she is still a human being with feelings. She hadn't done anything wrong (on my son's admission), and this must have really knocked her for six. She thought her marriage was fine, and to be suddenly left like that must have been truly awful. For several weeks after he left, I just couldn't stop thinking about the poor girl. I felt so sorry for her, and so disappointed with my son.

The "malarkey" for which we are too old is the thought of getting to know someone new again, and possibly again... and again.

[Cloverjo]

I don't think you can get him to see your point of view. He's an adult, he's left his wife and is with a new woman.

If I were you I'd ask to meet her before Christmas, go out for a meal or something. See how you like each other, and then decide if Christmas would be good for everyone. She might not want to come to yours. Spending Christmas with a new family is quite horrible.
I think you need to respect his choice of partner though, or things could get trickier.

[woofgang]

Ok you don't have to "get to know" her....that's what company manners are for....keep the chat light and general....you know the sort of thing, are sprouts the work of the devil, real tree or artificial one....yadda yadda. I think the idea of a meal or drinks out somewhere before christmas is a very good idea....Cloverjo has made an excellent point about how she might feel about it.....but as I said your house, your rules.

[Big Jenny]

Thank you all for your helpful responses. There's a lot to think about there, but I must go to bed now. Hubby has made the drinks and is starting to hassle!!

BJ

[Guilbert53]

>>>Within a couple of weeks he was seeing someone else.

Sorry but that is a load of rubbish.

He would not have left his wife if he was not already seeing someone one else.

People don't just "leave" (or rarely do) if they have no other new partner to go to.

He has been seeing this person well before he left his wife.

[emmie]

i would politely tell your son that it is way too soon too be having a new partner around you at Christmas especially as you may invite the former daughter in law to have Christmas with you that is if she wants to, does the daughter in law have family?

[murraymints]

much too soon to be having cosy family celebrations..and in your home too !! why doesn't he host something in his own home and invite you along..then you only have to stay as long as you can tolerate...but a big no to Christmas..this year anyway

[emmie]

so it doesn't look as though the DIL is around so perhaps as others have suggested a quiet meal before Christmas but as to staying with you no way.

[dannyk13]

Politely tell your son that you do not wish a stranger in your home at Christmas.

[rowanwitch]

I think Cloverjo has the right idea, meet her first, nice restaurant neutral territory. She might be the lovely person you want for your son. He was the one who wandered, she presumably was fed the my marriage is over line or similar. Maybe she has her own Christmas commitments Boxing day lunch might be a better option if you meet her and you get on.

[emmie]

I think it's your son who is being unreasonable for even suggesting that she spends Christmas with you, as Danny says be polite but refuse. I can't imagine what the atmosphere would be like if she came to stay, frosty and very uncomfortable.

[murraymints]

she, most likely, doesn't want it either !!

[zebo]

I think it depends on who else will be at your house, if it's a big family gathering I'd say No but if it would jest be the four of you then maybe Yes to coming for the day, but not staying over. Be glad there are no children involved and send your ex(?) daughter-in-law a little gift and car with kind words, she deserves it.

[Rockrose]

With respect to Kval she is hardly his partner after such a short time - after all he still has a wife!
I think you have to explain to your son that he needs to respect your wishes and you will meet his girlfriend after the festive period when the heat has died down a bit (and you can see if he is actually serious about her).
Good luck

[Samuraisan]

We never know what goes on behind closed doors, so don't judge the breakdown of his marriage, it seems like his ex is getting along fine. She is kind of out of your life now. Don't alienate your son, if you do, you risk losing him, he will never choose you over his girlfriend. Maybe he is in "lust" and thinks his new g/f is the best thing since sliced bread, maybe she is. I would be quite grateful he has found someone else, better that than being alone. If you don't feel comfortable having her in your home yet, try to have a cosy meet before Christmas and then decide. She is your son's potential partner and could be the mother of your future g/c. Be very, very careful how you tread , how you behave now will determine your future relationship with your son, g/f ( maybe she's great !) and any future grandchildren

[anneasquith]

It would appear your son has got himself an early Xmas present, and dumped his old toys without warning.I'm sure your DIL is getting along, she has no choice . Your son is extremely immature. If they are still a couple at Xmas time, have a coffee outside your home .

[Neveracrossword]

Saura…, what made you change your mind?