Am I Being Unreasonable?

[Big Jenny]

Sorry if this is a bit long-winded. I have tried to condense it. I’d be interested to hear what others think.

My son left his wife of 8 years at the beginning of September. It was a complete shock to us, to the rest of the family, and not least, to his wife. A bolt out of the blue. Within a couple of weeks he was seeing someone else. He swears that, although they first met at a mutual friend’s house in August, they weren’t seeing one another before the marriage break-up, and that he didn’t get in touch with her again until he had left, and it had nothing to do with him leaving his wife. Believe that if you like – I am still not convinced.

Now he wants us all to meet the new girlfriend, and has even suggested she spend Christmas with us. Am I being unreasonable in saying that I am not ready to meet her yet, and really don’t want her to come for Christmas? I think it’s far too soon – I am still reeling from the shock of him leaving his wife – but he says I have hurt him very much by my attitude, and I obviously don’t care about his happiness. That is not true at all, but I really feel he has acted with indecent haste and should leave it a bit before trying to make her “part of the family”.

When he was a teenager, we expected relationships to come and go, and we met quite a number of girlfriends which didn’t last very long. Now, though, he is a 40 year old man, and we are no spring chickens ourselves, and we just can’t be doing with having to start that malarkey all over again. Who’s to say how long this one will be around?

I just don’t know how to deal with this situation, and hate to think I am alienating my son. What can I say to him to get him to see my point of view?

BJ

[kvalidir]

Hi Jenny, although i'm sure this isn't what you want to hear, I fear you will alienate your son if you don't accept his choice of partner. I appreciate that you might like his wife, and indeed there is no need to take sides, but if you decline to meet wit his new lady when he's obviously so keen to introduce her I think that's a slight he might not easily forgive.
Look at it this way, you and she are likely to be the two most important women in his world, and you dismissing his girlfriend as something which might not be around for long will insult that special feeling he has for her and lessen the special feelings he has for you.
I'd personally meet her, be nice, be warm and be polite, she might one day be your future daughter in law. x

[Big Jenny]

Thanks for replying, kvalidir. I can see your point of view, but I hasten to add that I have not said anything to my son about his new girlfriend not being around for long. That's just what I privately think.

BJ

[LadyCG]

I don't blame you for not wanting to meet this new woman. Your daughter-in-law must be devastated and that devastation would be multiplied several times if the woman who has undoubtedly broken up her marriage was celebrating Christmas at yours.

And don't for one minute swallow that garbage that he wasn't involved with his new bit of stuff before he left his wife.

[andres]

Are you are still in contact with your daughter-in-law and are there grandchildren?

[albaqwerty]

No, you are not being unreasonable.
Does he mean to spend more than just Christmas Day with you?

I agree with LadyCG, the person who has taken up with a new ''fling'' has been doing so for quite a while before the split.
I presume your DIL is still licking her wounds and is coming to terms with the shock?

[Big Jenny]

No, Lady CG, I haven't really fallen for his explanation.

I'm not saying I wouldn't ever be willing to meet her, but I just think it's far too soon, and it would put a big damper on Christmas for us if we thought he was bringing her here.

BJ

[Big Jenny]

andres, no I have had no contact with my daughter-in-law since the split, though I have emailed her and had no reply. I guess she doesn't want any further contact as we weren't terriblt close. Fortunately, there are no grandchildren.

BJ

[Prudie]

I knew this would probably attract very different viewpoints. I think you risk alienating your son yes but it won't be for ever. I suspect he's blinded by lust or love and yes I think it's far too soon for him to expect you to welcome her to the family at such a time as Christmas.
I'm biased though as years ago my first husband (we'd been together since 16 for 10 years) left me for someone else very out of the blue and took her to stay with his parents within a couple of months - that hurt and devastated me almost more than him going, the fact that my inlaws could do that just because blood was thicker than water ate away at me for a long time. Imagine how your daughter in law will feel.

[sanmac]

Big Jenny, NO Christmas at your place for her, and if your son decides to not show up because of that so be it. You have your own life to live and don't need to "borrow" other peoples' problems.

[ummmm]

Not unreasonable. If they're still together next year then welcome her. It's too soon currently..

[Mamyalynne]

I feel that at 40, he should realise how fresh and raw this is for you all (except him by the looks of it) - you need a bit more time and he should respect that.

[albaqwerty]

Be diplomatic, tell him that you would like to meet his gf, but at the moment you need to grieve for the loss of his marriage and would like to meet her in the new year, a new beginning and all that.

[bednobs]

how rude of him to invite someone else to your house!

[tinkerbell23]

So sorry you are having a difficult time- I agree..... its too soon! X

[andres]

Just tell him that you feel it's a bit too soon to have her for Christmas . You need a bit more time to adjust to the situation and maybe suggest having a meal out somewhere in the New Year. Then if everything seems to going well you could ask your son to bring her to your home.

[Big Jenny]

From what I can gather, my DIL was totally devastated when it first happened, but she is a very practical, sensible person and has already sold their house and bought a smaller one, and got herself a little car etc. She appears to have accepted the situation, and is getting on with her life, for which I salute her. While we weren't at all close, and we never felt she fitted in very well, I am still very disappointed in the way my son has behaved. I think this may be one of the reasons I don't feel like just welcoming his new girlfriend with open arms. Am I trying to punish him for what I think was unacceptable behaviour? Perhaps... I don't know.

[Patsy33]

I think this is very selfish of him. Tell him you can't cope with this sudden turn around yet. In time, yes when you are ready. Best wishes.

[woofgang]

What can you say? Nothing. Are you alienating your son? Probably. What should you do? Well your house your rules.....I find it interesting that you say that you weren't close with his wife and you never felt that she "fitted in" If you weren't close with his wife and never felt she fitted in I am not really sure whjat you would be grieving for.....or what malarkey you are too old for?

[Jackdaw33]

I would be tempted, given the means, to spend Xmas in a remote hotel.

[spathiphyllum]

To the main question, no. To the sub question, write your thoights down, and tet to collect them in the best way, then present them to him