Dealing With Belongings After A Death

[bednobs]

what do most people do - keep, sell, give away, chuck? in all honesty it feels far too hard to do any of the above but i guess it has to be done at some point? has anyone done pne of the above and regretted it? How long did you wait before dealing with things?

[postman44]

After my father died.we kept possessions we wanted and gave some away. Its very heartbreaking and not easy to do. It's very hard when you lose someone close. Do what you think is right. You have my sympathies.

[fender62]

whn my dad passes away, i rang various charities and asked if they wanted anything, some wanted the furniture others just clothes.
its not a nice thing to have to do, my sympathies..i tooke a deep
breath and got on with it.

[andy-hughes]

I think it depends on what is left, and how many close relatives are involved.

As a standard rule, I think every close relative, starting with the closest and working outwards, should have a chance to keep something to remind them of their loved one - excluding anything valuable which a surviving spouse may want, such as jewelry.

After that, it is always good to give clothes and useable household items to a local charity - this does involve heart-rending packing and removing, so if that is too traumatic, the other option is to hire a house clearance firm who will do the clearing for you.

As to the question of 'when', the answer is - when you feel ready. Don't be rushed if you don;t have to, let your grief settle a little before this difficult task.

[Hopkirk]

Strangely the most emotional thing I did was take my father's many pairs of glasses to an optician to go to a charity.

[Mamyalynne]

Very difficult to give a time scale, different in all cases - after my Mother died we knew the family home had to be sold, so things moved quicker.

Yes a few regrets since as I recall odd bits and pieces fondly.

After my Husband died it was totally different, no urgency and the sight of his stuff still in place was comforting, ten years after he died his dressing gown finally went from the back of the bedroom door.

Take your time and follow your heart ♥

[hereIam]

It IS hard, very hard to have to do this, but like you say, it is something that just has to be done. I kept a lot of Mum's stuff that meant something to her, but couldn't keep it all obviously. I kept all the photo albums she accumulated over the years, gave a lot of good stuff away to various charities, particularly a cat one as she had a cat she loved, and the rest sadly had to be dumped. I got it all done ASAP as I just wanted it over with, but some of it was soothing as I found some lovely things that I had forgotten all about. I hope she was happy with the decisions I made. Good luck bednobs.

[gingejbee]

^^re house-clearing. The British Heart Foundation have a house-clearance service and all saleable items add to their coffers.

[hereIam]

And I also passed on some of her special things to her friends which I know she would have wanted me to do.

[ladybirder]

Wait as long as you need to wait. Do it when you're ready. In small stages if it helps. After I had taken what was precious to me plus stuff I want to be handed down when I am gone, and the family had chosen what they wanted, we started by asking his friends if there was anything in particular they would like. After that we called in the charity shops to take what they wanted. If you're not sure of something, keep it, you can always let it go in the future. Just do what suits you, not what others expect. I still have some of my boy's ashes which I want to stay with me forever. You have my sympathies. xxx

[Prudie]

When my widowed mother died the house went to step children and boy did vultures descend. I was in no state to argue so her house was cleared way too quickly and yes have big regrets about items that went off to the British Heart Foundation. Take your time if you have it.

[MallyJ]

We gave some away, sold some other bits and bobs and split the rest.... Some of the things I had I didn't really want but I have to say it took me a couple of years to off load them. If you share out stuff..eg my brother had a modern house and ours is victorian so there was a split there with furniture and hang on to things you get but don't need. It really is fine to sort them out in a year or 2 or 3's time...there is no rush. Give yourself time to think and actually you won't regret what you choose to do because you will have , mostly, got over the loss by the time you make those final decisions.

[jourdain2]

I still have my mum's glasses(she died in 1992) I just couldn't bring myself to give them away. It is very, very hard.

I've just made my Will and the big things (house etc. and small bequests of money to Godchildren) are covered by that. I am also going to write a letter of wishes (which I shall get witnessed)covering which family member gets which item of furniture (e.g. long-case clock) and jewellery, plus some other bits. Regarding the jewellery; I started giving thingswhich I don't wear as presents to appropriate relatives last Christmas, so there will be just a few pieces left and I shall specify their recipients.

I hope that this will help my children in the horrible task of clearing. One thing I do regret is letting my sister organise giving books away - there were some I had prized and, in haste, she had forgotten that I had named them. Don't hurry, take your time.

[woofgang]

What Mamya said, take your time and follow your heart. Some things I had to get out of the house as soon as possible, others are still where he left them. Can I recommend this book? I found it a great help. Its not a "there there" read but it was my security blanket for a long time Amazon.co.uk User Recommendation

[jackthehat]

Hold onto the most precious things; the things with which you always picture your loved one in your minds' eye.

Donate the residue to a charitable organisation who can pass the things on to those who will benefit, or treasure them most.

My sincerest condolences to you at this dreadful time. I wish you all the very best and hope that you can find peace of mind soon. xx

[Cloverjo]

I found it strangely easy going through my mum’s things. My sister came up and we went through it together chatting about stuff and remembering when she wore this or that. Most went to the charity shop. Some things were emotional like little keepsakes which we chose between ourselves.

[Canary42]

I sympathise bednobs, it is indeed a very difficult and heartrending task. I hope that the advice/suggestions on this thread have helped. Good luck.

[hereIam]

I hope it helps you bednobs that at some time or other, most of us, go through all of this and somehow we cope x

[brainiac]

I have a small bottle of my Mum's Coty L'Aimant in the drawer of the desk at which I'm writing this, and it brings her back instantly, even though she died twenty years ago. Keep the very personal things.

[pastafreak]

I was living in the UK when my mum died. I was only able to take a few things...the family photo album, my parents and maternal grandparents wedding photos, a set of cutlery that was a wedding present...a few pictures she had painted. I desperately wanted her wedding dress and shoes...but had to ask my brother to keep them. There were many other things...art deco from the 30s...that I would have loved to have kept. But time and distance were against me. Unfortunately my brother was left the task of having to clear the house we'd grown up in.
Take your time if you can...think of what might be precious to you. Once gone, you cannot get those things back...though of course the attached memories remain.

[hereIam]

brainiac - with me it's an empty bottle of Chanel with a lingering scent left behind, when I sniff the top of the bottle, the memories knock me sideways.