Totally Confused About Behaviour Of My Best Friend 50Th Birthday Very Upset

[gordiescotland1]

Hi my best friend of 37 years who is going to be 50 on Sunday has totally acted weird and out of character and upset me. He is 50 and I always make a big effort with people but this seems to have fallen flat this time. Due to a serious lack of communication on his part. I arranged that I was going to go to the town he lives the night before, stay in a hotel and the next day go to his house for afternoon tea that was to be delivered from a local hotel. Everything was fine until Monday when he started saying things like "Don't expect too much" well I know what to expect. And it's a long way to come i will understand if you can't make it. I told him that although I find travelling difficult I was willing to do it. The rest of the week I kept on trying to discuss arrangements with him and he would change the subject. I got vibes from him that he didn't really want me to come. So last night I emailed and asked him directly if he didn't really want this to happen and he replied with a blank email and then another email with a quiz he had made up, he does this entitled "More important" this concerned me. So I emailed his father explaining that I felt my friend didn't want me to come could he find out, it is 2 buses 1 taxi my mother looking after the cat etc a hotel over £150 in total if he didn't really want this it was a lot of effort for nothing. Well my friend replied to me saying of course he wanted me to see him on Sunday or another time and would discuss all the alternative arrangements later. That was about as clear as mud. I tried to phone him last night he had taken the phone off the hook. The final straw came when he sent me old school photos via email this afternoon but no mention of Sunday. I cancelled the hotel and emailed him telling him how dissatisfied that he couldn't communicate with me. Or be honest with me. He has OCD and not left the house since the pandemic except to get vaccinated but people have been to the house regularly to see his parents so it's not that. Also he plays games with me. He tells me I have offended him by saying something so when I ask him what it is he says if I don't know he is not going to tell me scream !!

I don't know what to make of all this I'm really hurt and angry he or his father tried to phone me tonight but I didn't answer I was too upset 

[Moorea7]

It's an age thing - 50 ish - men behave in strange ways sometimes.  I can understand how you feel but don't get too upset - not worth the worry😊

[andres]

He has OCD,hasn't been  out anywhere for a long time. The very mention of having to do something different and out of the routine that he now has is probably filling him with dread. It looks like he could do with some counselling. For now I think it would be best for you to ring or text him and just wish him a happy birthday on Sunday and leave it at that. 

[wolf63]

I take it that you and your friend had arranged for you to visit for his birthday and he said that he would cope with your visit. 

It must be rough for him to be stuck in his house.  The longer that he stays there the harder it will be for him to go out or have people visiting him.

You say that you are upset but he must be hurting too.

 

[1ozzy]

Has AB taken on a new role?

Agony Aunt?

Just asking,,,

[barry1010]

It's that he has a caring friend in you, gordie.

In your shoes I would send a card and a small gift, tell him I will miss seeing him on his birthday and hope to meet up soon.

When people get in the state of mind he seems to be in it is very difficult for everyone, and horrible for him.  I hope he gets better soon.  

[barry1010]

Whooops, the first line should read, 'it's good that he has....'

[lankeela]

You are upset about his behaviour then refuse to answer the phone to him or his father?  That would surely have sorted it out but has now made things worse.  

[Ringlet]

It sounds as if your friend is going through a very confused and difficult period in his life, and is lashing out to hurt those he is closest to.  Understanding that this is happening, and more importantly understanding why it is happening may help you to cope with it, but even then, it is very hurtful for you, and you need to protect yourself against the negative feelings about yourself that your friend's behaviour can potentially cause.  

I agree with Barry's suggestion - make a kind gesture toward your friend for his birthday, such as sending a small gift, but cancel all travel and party plans, as the whole thing is rapidly turning into a recipe for disaster. 

It is cruel of your friend to claim that he is offended by something you said, but refuse to tell you what it is you might have said, instead expecting you to "know" what the offending words were. That is an attempt at control of you by your friend, which you should not allow him to succeed at.  Tell him once again that you have no idea what you said to offend him, but if he is not willing to tell you what it is, you will move on and will not accept any further castigation from him about the subject.  

Give yourself a period of time now to mull the whole thing over and reach a decision on what you want to do with regard to the friendship.  You need to do this by yourself, without any interference or influence from your friend or his father.  You do not owe your friend anything, but you do owe yourself peace of mind, so do what is best for you, and you alone.  

Good luck.  

[Khandro]

Have you considered that perhaps he hates the idea of hitting the big five-0 and simply doesn't want any fuss made. 

It sounds like you are seeing things only from your perspective and not his. It's his birthday after all!

[andy-hughes]

I would agree with all the previous responses - apart from Khandro, who is un-Christian, as usual.

[douglas9401]

It's easy to see why you've been best friends for so long.

[andres]

^^^AH-- Thats a bit unfair towards Khandro. I don't think that the Bible says birthday celebrations are compulsory. 

[naomi24]

I think Khandro is being considerate - and I don't think religion should be brought into this anyway.  I dislike birthdays - never celebrate - and all my friends and family know that.  Nevertheless, one year one of them organised a big 'surprise!' party for me.  When I walked in and everyone popped out from inside cupboards and from behind sofas and doors - yelling 'Surprise!'- I smiled - but I hated it.  I smiled because I didn't want to spoil their enjoyment.  That party pleased them - not me.

[Khandro]

andy-hughes //I would agree with all the previous responses - apart from Khandro, who is un-Christian, as usual.//

and as 'as usual' another spiteful, ignorant post from you.

What is 'un-Christian' about considering the feelings of others? 

[andy-hughes]

Naomi - // I think Khandro is being considerate - and I don't think religion should be brought into this anyway. //

Do you?

Replying to someone who is already upset, siding with their friend, who is got going to see his response, is not my idea of 'being considerate'.

And it's not about 'religion', it's about being un-Christian, which is a type of behaviour.

[andy-hughes]

Khandro - // What is 'un-Christian' about considering the feelings of others? //

Nothing at all.

As long as you are considering the feelings of the person you are talking to, not upsetting them more than they are already, by siding with the friend who has upset them, and who will not see your reply.

Like all fervents, you preach one thing, and practice another - love everyone, but I'll be sniffy and pass moral judgement on you when you are looking for support, not condemnation.

And like all fervents, you are good at giving out the high-handed moralising,  but utterly thin skinned when someone has the temerity to crticise you for it.

Your Jesus had the luxury of always being right.

You are not so lucky.

A little humility might do you good, but I doubt it.

[naomi24]

Andy Hughes, Nonsense.  You were having an unnecessary poke at Khandro.

[naomi24]

Oh dear.  And you did it  again as I was posting.  

[andy-hughes]

Naomi - Your 'nonsense' is my view.

Quite often it's the other way round.

And he doesn't need you to stick up for him, he can fight his own battles.

[naomi24]

Andy Hughes, You're after a row with your predictable ranting - same words, same repetitive bluster as always -  and it does you no favours.  Take a breath.