Abusive Relationships

[jedimistress]

Is it us or not?
1. So it seems abuse can happen to anyone, rich, poor, any standard of education etc.
People say it's not your fault� It's the abuser.
2. Then people say it is you...Choosing unhealthy relationships.
On the first hand I did not know he was abusive when we met. I fell deeply in love with him as he was.
On the second hand when he abused me I did not leave immediately, I still clung on, waiting for it to get better. But left 2 years later, with a heavy, heavy heart.
Any opinions?

[Goodsoulette]

I have been an abusive relationship for nearly 5 yrs and it has taken this long for me to even pluck up the courage to leave. I have never asked for any of it. Its all very well saying its easy to leave but when you have financial ties and children together its just not that simple. I have myself for anyone who is in a similar situation been helped greatly by the domestic violence helpline and have set a date to leave and have slowly been cutting ties and arranging a new life for me and my children.

It is never someone elses fault that their partner abuses them but obviously I have felt very differntly at times in my relationship.

[Englishbird]

I think the phrase is ... 'it's complicated'

First and foremost it is always the abusers fault that they behave like that. no-one makes him or her hit, manipulate and treat people like sh*t. You are never responsible for someone else's abusive actions.

What you are responsible for is your own actions. i.e. ensuring you are safe and that your children are safe. However awful heatbreak is, it's preferable to death! You are responsible for your own choices. to a certain extent we are treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated, e g the person who walks out after being hit once will never suffer long term abuse.

However, life is a learning curve, and we don't always get everything right, it's very easy to look back and say 'why on earth did I put up with that!!' Although I was never hit, I know how hard it is to leave a harmful relationship, and I am an intelligent strong minded and strong willed woman.

Some of us want everything to be 'ok' and constantly put our faith in the hope that 'things will get better'. Of course many times they do not, and one day the penny drops and we get out.... and we are the lucky ones. In my experience most people who end up in abusive relationships have low self esteem.

If you're still hurting from this jedi, I can promise you it gets better. initially it's such a relief not to have the abuse hanging over your head all the time, and to lose the fear of doing something wrong. And then over time you start liking yourself again, and having respect for yourself and you start seeing the abuser for the sad pathetic creature he / she is.

Good luck, and you're on the right road now, now you give yourself the chance to fall in love with someone who doesn't hurt you, which is what everyone deserves x

[jno]

it's not your fault. The victim shouldn't be blamed. But if you can figure out just why you liked him, the mental and emotional process you went through in falling for him and then in staying with him, it may help you to avoid the same thing happening again. You probably won't want to be doing this for a while, as the scars will still be raw, but in the long run, as Englishbird rightly says, you can only control your own actions, so it's best to plan to do anything you can to stop a repeat.

[jedimistress]

Good Soulette,

Good luck for you future. I prepared for a few months before I finally left. I felt elated for the first few days of leaving, but it hurts now.

But I decided better to grieve, hurt and cry for a few months, than hurt & cry forever if I stay with him.

xxxx

[Englishbird]

You're allowed to grieve the good bits. And there are always good bits, otherwise we wouldn't be there in the first place. It's weird I went through very different stages, at one time I couldn't remember any good bits, then all I could remember were good bits. I have a balance now.

There's the injustice, fear of the unknown future, and a big sense of loss, which all need to be acknowledged and adjusted to. I felt very empty for a long time.

It'll get better hon, I promise, it's the worst bit, but it has to be gone through, and you feel like you want to be all better tomorrow, but again it will come.

Be kind to yourself jedimistress. x

[gammaray]

You were not and are not to blame for the actions of an abusive partner.