Visits to Dad

[HJT40]

My daughters dad only started seeing her when she was 4. He would visit one night a week for a couple of hours, but really only sat on the sofa and didn't really do much with her, probably because it was all new to him and he had missed out on the previous years of her life, while she was becoming a proper little person. Anyhow she is now 12 and he is married with a lilttle baby boy, who is 1 year old. She now goes to stay on a Friday night, which I know she has had difficulties with, but I have persevered hoping that she would be happy there too and I know she loves her little brother. Last week I went to pick her up and he had gone back to bed while the baby was sleeping, leaving her on her own. This week she was left to look after the little one while he went and had a shower etc, knowing that she was being taken out in less than 15 minutes. She then told me when she got home that she had not had any breakfast and that the pj's that had been bought for her last year had disappeared and her dad had given her his t-shirt that he had been wearing all day to wear to bed. I did not say anything when she came home boxing day with lets just say minimum pressies and I have not said anything when I have had to pay over �200 on each school trip she has been on (2!). I do tell him about them, but I guess he chooses to ignore it, assuming that the money he pays each month covers that and her new school uniform etc. Don't get me wrong, I do get on with them and they have been round for dinner, dysfunctional I know, but what can I do or say? I want my daughter to be happy and loved?

[CutiiePiie]

I feel for your daughter.
Shes 12 now huh?
Im 13.
Well i dont think she has a good dad, just like mine.
During a streetparty he fell asleep and locked me out of the house.
I hope you dont mind but if i could i would like to talk to your daughter via msn or yahoo messenger or something else.
Oh well....

[Tiny E. A]

CutiiePiie, people probably won't want to give out their daughters email addresses. No doubt your intentions are very sweet but HJT40 really has no way of knowing if you are who you say you are.

HJT40, I've never been in a situation like this so I'm not sure how valid my opinion is. I think though that if your daughter is unhappy and made to feel awkward when she stays with her father you must mention it to him. Giving her a dirty t shirt to wear is completely thoughtless, you must explain to him that she is still a child herself and must be looked after on visits. If he can't start doing this then why make her go?

[HJT40]

Thank you Tiny, of course your view is valid! It is good to hear someone elses opinion on it after it has gone over in my own head so many times. It is how to tell him that he has to look after her, I know she is looked after when her step mum is there, but I think he leaves it to her and when she is at work the little one is looked after, but not her :-(

And you are also right, I am sorry I can't give out any email address for my daughter, as I don't know who you are - sorry CutiiePiie!

[yummymum]

If I had a 12 year old I would simply ask her what she would like to do and explain that whatever she chooses you will stand by her. If she chooses to keep staying over i would have words with her Dad and explain that if he didnt change and start looking after her properly you will have to stop you daughter going. On the other hand if you daughter says she doesnt want to go I would tell her Dad that its her choice and that she doesnt want to go because of the way he is. If she chooses the latter though I would encourage her to still see him maybe for a couple of hours a week when he can take her out and spend some quality time with her.

I think at 12 year old you should let her choose for her self other wise you run the risk of turning her against you.

Good luck xx

[Tiny E. A]

I'm glad to try and help! I think yummymum has also offered sound advice, ask your daughter what she wants. I'm sure it is awkward approaching the subject with her father because no doubt he loves her and you don't want to suggest otherwise. I suppose you have to be clear, stick to the facts and the actual main problems, hopefully it then wouldn't turn into a slanging match. You'll be able to do it I'm sure because your daughter neds you to do it (if she does still want to stay nights with him).

I wish you good luck too

[Beanmistriss]

If I had a baby and a twelve year old I would expect the 12 year old to be able to look after it whilst I nipped into the shower. Maybe with a baby hes a bit hard up and thats why she got "minimum pressies" and he doesnt fork out more for school trips. Or maybe his idea about the amount kids should get for presents at christmas are just not the same as yours. I think my boyfriend give his kids way too much and if we had kids they wouldn't get the same as he gives his ones. Its easy to look in and think but hes got loads of money, my boyfriends ex thinks that of us but we're constantly skint. I agree that not feeding her is not good but at 12 could she pour herself a bowl of cereal or make some toast?

I'm not saying she should go round there and have to fend for herself but everyone has to learn a bit of responsibility at some time. Have a chat with him, it's good that you have a relationship where you can.

[HJT40]

I suppose I should clarify that they both have nice cars, they are in the process of moving house to a nicer area and they are always buying new stuff for the house and they don't have child care fees when she is working. I work full time to make sure that she has what she needs.

Is it wrong to want her dad to spend time with her and have fun together? She did not get to know him that well before the baby was born, now it seems like he doesn't have the time.

[doorkey]

How about asking your daughter how she feels, then suggest you all meet to discuss. You could point out as your daughter is getting older she has different calls on her time such as homework but you want to ensure she is getting quality time with her Dad and his new family, so what will be the best way to use this time. Also, her Dads new partner may like to know how her baby is being cared for!