son at home

[WHOSAIDIT]

how can i convince my son who is now 24 yrs old to leave home and find a place of his own he as a good job but is content to stay here as long as someone cooks and cleans for him should we stop cooking and cleaning for him in the hope that he gets the message?

[redcrx]

if hes content there then why will he choose to leave? Its very expensive to move into your own place.

My mum told my brother that once he got to 24 he would have to find his own home. He did, but 8 years ago, house prices were much lower.

I know a 38 year old who is still living with his parents purely because he has it easy there, he doesnt even pay rent!

[Ethel]

Add up all the household bills - mortgage payments, council tax, gas, electricity, water rates, television license, extra tv you may have, phone, household insurance - everything.

Divide by three. Tell him you want him to pay his share, plus food.
Tell him he must also do his own cleaning and laundry, and help with the general chores such as mowing the lawn.

He is an adult, and should start being responsible for himself.

And tell him it is time for him to look for his own home. Start wondering around the house naked - that may help convince him.

[shaneystar2]

I have a son who is still at home ..he is 27 this year.I cannot see how, on his wage, he is ever going to be able to afford a place of his own unless he wins the lottery ! He couldn't even afford to rent somewhere.
I don't mind him being at home .He does pay his way and is very helpful round the house ...does odd jobs etc and ferries me around to the supermarket etc as I can't drive.So in that the respect the washing and cooking doesn't make much odds to me.I may as well cook for three as for two.And wash for three instead of two.He keeps his own room clean .
It is difficult for young people to get a foot on the housing ladder these days ..but if your son is not pulling his weight at all then you have to set some rules ! It's all about give and take .But ..on the other hand if you son can afford to buy his own place then encourage him to do so!

[redhead23]

why are u in such a rush to be rid of him , im 23 my parents adore me i cant blame them , they would never kick me out shame on you

[sense4all]

I have a foot in both camps. If you feel he is abusing your goodwill, have a word sharpish. If he cannot afford it you have to be realistic ... bung him dosh to encourage him (if you can) if he drags his feet it may not be long before he can't afford it anyway.

[Mammar]

Does he pay his way?
I presume so as you say he has a good job - if not, I can understand why you get rid of him!
I suppose my question would be why do you so desperately want to get rid of him?
I'd be delighted if one of my daughters wanted to come back and live with me.

[pastafreak]

I certainly don't think WHOSAIDIT wants to "get rid of" his son as redhead23 and mammar both seem to think. But at 24 it is certainly time for him to be standing on his own 2 feet and becoming independent. If he has a few mates he is close to surely they could find a house or flat to share together...then it may even be cheaper than going 3 ways with mum and dad! He is an adult, and from the parents point of view part of their job is to prepare their young for leaving the nest....it is not mean...it is part of the cycle of life.Any parent would feel pride when their child is finding their own path.

[Kassee]

Get him to cook for you some evenings, that way you can have a break, I wouldnt clean up after him either, but would expect him to leave things as he finds them, ie bathroom. If he pays you a relistic amount for his keep, you could save it for him, that way he will eventually have a deposit for his own property one day. Life has changed, it is difficult for young people to buy their own place these days. house prices have gone through the roof. A boy on his own isnt gonna get council accommodation, privately rented places - ugh I'd rather be at home. I have four children, eldest (30)has brought his own place, daughter (26) backpacking abroad, has left home and returned a number of times, one at Uni (20) and he may well come back home to live after he finishes, I dont know. One son (28) is currently living at home, he moved out into rented acoommodation when he was 21 for a number of years, but then asked to move back when he split with his girlfiend. I dont mind,
I got married at 20 and left home, and never returned but I think times have changed.

[redhead23]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spinster

[samsonadeyem]

I think the best option is to strictly let him know that one day either he chooses to have his family or not, he still has to take responsibility for himself. Before you know it, he may still be in your house at the age of 30 or more. That is absolutely incorrect. He needs to start becoming responsible and also he needs to start learning how to live independently. I think twenty four years of him living with you is a whole lot of time. He needs to think of the future and learn how to make himself of help and advantage to other people in the society. He may come to visit you once in a while. That, I think is fine. The more you let him know this, the better for yourself and him. Thank you.

[samsonadeyem]

I think you should definitely stop cooking and cleaning for him. That is the best opton. Let him begin to learn how to do these things by himself. If he cannot , then teach him. Let him learn how to do it so he can do it when he leaves your house.
Thanks.

[Mistopheles]

I left home at 18 (even though I'm close to my parents), but I have a friend who is 35 and still lives at home which I find very odd. I was nearly put off going out with my now-fiance as he was still living at home aged 23 when we met.

Anyway, to the question...
Certainly ask him to pay his way if he isn't already. Try and help him - suggest you help him look for somewhere, and talk through different options with him - buy, rent, shared flat etc. If you can get the fine line between encouraging him to be independent and forcing him out, that's what you're aiming for.

Talk to him - has he show any inclination to leave? Is he scared of living alone / handling finances etc, or is he just happy being waited on??? If you are able to offer financial support (e.g. pay deposit on a flat - rental or otherwise) great, and this might help him see that you want what's best for him, rather than you want to get rid of him!

Above all, don't feel in the slightest bit guilty. You have raised a child that obviously loves you, as he is still at home. It's not wrong to want him to be more independent, and it's also not wrong to want a bit of time to yourself now.

The best advice I can give is talk to him - you might find it's something silly like he thinks you'll be upset if he leaves! Good luck - and let us know how it goes.