wedding etiquette ,who pays ?

[boxingbig]

My son and my future daughter in law and her family are arranging a wedding costing about �30,000 ,which to me is obscene,they are now asking if I would like to met them re any input I would like to make ? I trust this means how much would I like to contribute.
I want to do what is correct ,what is right .
any advice please.
When my daughter married we had a wonderful day and it cost about �2000

[xhxmxsx]

i am currently planning a wedding but i'm paying for it myself , check out www.confetti.co.uk it will tell you loads of info on there , it will also have what the parents of the groom traditionally have to pay for!

[fine,thanks]

buy them a microwave, 30000 pounds please,.

[tiny e.a]

Don't feel pressured into contributing amounts of money that you can't afford, your son shouldn't (and probably doesn't) expect it of you. If I got married I would expect to be paying for it myself, if my mum and dad had money saved that they wanted to give towards it then I would accept it maybe, but I wouldn't plan my wedding with the expectation that they will be paying, I would only organise what I could afford myself. I would speak to your son about it before actually meeting up with the inlaws, see what he actually wants/expects.

[moonshadow]

Offer the same amount you spent on your daughters wedding.I have always found it's best not to give one more than the other and it's a good excuse not to join in this'obscene' madness.

[boxingbig]

many thanks to you all for your help. I feel better now I am not alone.
boxingbig

[yummymum]

30k...where the hell are they having it!omg tell them u will bake the cake!

[annierak]

my daughter tried that one on me, saying it was my place as the brides mother(father not on the scene), to buy her wedding dress and cake. expecting me to say 'yes and here is a blank cheque'.

i said she could have a wedding dress from a charity shop(you get some really nice ones there, only worn once!!) and a swiss roll.

[Reverandfunk]

I dj at weddings and see a lot of stuff first hand like people coming who the bride and groom don't know, loads of food been thrown away wasted, relatives fighting etc etc.

Personally speaking I think it is the biggest waste of money imaginable.

[Beanmistriss]

In my opinion that is a huge waste of money, unless they are pretty minted. In which case they should be able to afford to pay it themselves. I think moonshadows idea of giving the same as you did towards your daughters is good. Don't feel like you need to give more and don't feel pressured if her family are giving more. I also think that is a little bit cheeky of them in that if you wanted to contribute then you would offer and not have to be asked. I also think that what is "traditional" doesn't really mean much to most people these days. My boyfriends daughter told us the other week she wanted a car as it "is tradition for the Dad to buy a car for the kid". "My a*se!" was our respones :)

[Lily_b]

My parents helped each of us with our wedding costs. However, we were not told they were going to help until closer to the date after the deposits were paid, so we had already budgeted for what we could afford.

It was a nice surprise and each of us received money not too far different in amount to each other. It gave leeway so we could afford some little extra touches.

[Pippa68]

30 grand for one day? that is totally outrageous!!

We spent about �2,000 on ours and I thought that was a lot ;o)

If they want a wedding that huge they should budget for it themselves. It is what they want, after all.

[sense4all]

I have never been shy about the fact that we are pretty well off at the moment. I have to admit - I though 30 k ... jog on !!!that is a house deposit, much more useful ... why so much ,are there some special circumstances we don't know about. ? If you can afford to match what you did for your daughter then feel free to offer ... if not just say no. They might just want to make sure you don't feel pushed out by the scale of the arrangements. Perhaps the 2k could pay for the honeymoon, unless that is off the scale too! ( If you are able, and wish to of course) My other half went spare when I told our eldest she would have to think about what she can afford herself ,if she wants to get hitched, we will pay for it but I don't want her to have a blank cheque mentality about it!

[gina32]

my daughter is getting married next year and they are paying for it themselves. they have said if people want to give money as presents then it will go towards a honeymoon. on the other hand my nephew is getting married in august and the parents are sharing costs at 8k each, 16k is also disgusting they are young and lived in a private rent flat if it were me id rather have the money for a deposit why should people fork out out to feed and entertain people they havent seen in years and probably wont for the same amount. the house wine is �18 a bottle, pathetic!

[ethandron]

we have two sons, and although we've not yet had this situation, we have talked about what we would do, if and when. the conclusion we've come to is that we will give the happy couple an amount of money that we can afford, and tell them they can do what they like with it, use it towards the wedding, a honeymoon, a deposit, stuff for the house, whatever.
we don't feel we want to get into who pays for what, but would want our new in-laws to know what we have done so that they would know we have contributed, but in our own way.
we feel the huge sums spent on weddings are ridiculous, and that sometimes it seems to be more about 'the day' than the committment.
i think in your case boxingbig, �2000 (plus a bit for inflation if it was a while ago) seems very fair.

[honky-tonk]

try for a dowry off the future daughter in laws parents lol �30,000 what a waste.

[daff55odil]

I and my husband paid for our own wedding, �30.000 is obscene, especially as marriages don`t seem to last.

Be firm and offer to pay a little towards the wedding, but nothing more.