I really need some help....

[Goodsoulette]

Im at wits end. It makes me cry and feel like a right crap mum.

I am losing all bond with my toddler. Hes nearly two and he drives me round the bend. I cant wait for him to go to bed. Hes slowly destroying everything in the house and I feel like I get little respite from him. His older brother was such a good, happy, quiet toddler but Evan is just unbearable at times. The thing is, I know its only with me. He doesnt do this for his dad or anyone else.

I cant even get him to stay in one place whilst he eats. He wants to sleep in the day but if I let him he is up till 10 at night, if I dont let him sleep he is unbearable from 3. We go to the park every day, I take him to a toddler group and make him do things that really wear him out now, so that I hopefully have a sane evening without him.

I feel so guilty not wanting him awake 90% of the time. I know hes just doing the normal terrible twos thing but as I never had it with my first I feel like its not going to end.

[annie0000]

You are not a bad mother, I am sure that we have all felt that at times - I think that we all need time in the evenings just to recharge our batteries. He is just testing the boundarys to see how far he can push you and for you still to love him. We always use the phrase "familiarity breeds contempt" in other words the reason he behaves like that with you is because he spends most time with you and knows you best - he doesn't really try it on with other people because he doesn't care for them as much as he cares about you and whether you would reject him. I know that it is hard - just try to hold it together and he will more than likely start to grow out of it. My almost 6 year old still trys from time to time with the "I hate you and don't like you" The best response I have found is to say " well I love and like you very much and that makes me a bit sad" he never has a response to that but it stops the potential argument then and there. When my mum was getting us out of our afternoon naps, she used to stick us in the bath for an hour or so - it kept us occupied, relaxed us without wearing us out - I am the youngest of seven and she never managed to kill any of us and is still remarkably sane - I big success in my book! lol

[auzzie]

This might sound really stupid or even patronising, but what are you feeding him. Do you (like i did) bribe him with goodies and fizzy pop. I know that diet plays a large part in kids hyper activity.
Might be worth reading this, any thing helps, i know
http://www.safekids.co.uk/AllergiesSalicylates Children.html.

But like Annie 0000 says, its probably a phase and testing you out!

[dot.hawkes]

do not let him eat smarties, pastilles, orange juice with beta carratine or any artificial colouring or flavouring, it is classic signs of a hyper intolerence reaction to artificial stuff in his diet, give him grapes, apple slices, tangerines, etc, he will be fine once you control his diet.

[Goodsoulette]

Im a super tight mum about the food. He has nothing and when I say nothing I mean it, with artificial colourings/preservatives/flavourings in it.

He loves his fruit and veg. He sees fruit as a treat and has even at my mums turned down sweets for a box of raisins. Its not his diet..... its his monkeyish ways. I do feel a little less distraught by him as he is asleep and I have managed to finish some glossing.

I know its more than likely a phase its just like he went to bed 6 months ago, this sweet quiet child and woke up a monster.

[dot.hawkes]

come on goodsey, you can do it, i had hell with my eldest, he was so erratic and stayed up til ,late, we sorted him out by music, try that

[annie0000]

Is he eating enough? he will probabaly be going through a growth spurt and will be really foul tempered if he is hungry, but not necessarily understand why. I also think that boys have a couple of testosterone influxes before age 5 - I know that one is at about 4, not sure if this age could be the other - it can make them a bit more rampunctious and loud and violent.

[jno]

is he maybe hyperactive? It may be something medical that can be treated

[aims1202]

You are not a crap mum, i think all mums go through hard times and two can be quite a tricky age. The most important thing is you are trying your best and asking for help when you need it.
My little boy is four and i remember when he was about 2.5 it did get harder. he was such an easy baby it was a shock!
There are things you can do to help the situation, sometimes we don't realise that we create some of the problems. He needs a lot of attention, lots of one to one with no distractions, keep him occupied with different, fun things so he doesnt get bored. the website pbskids.org had loads of ideas.
give him loads of praise even when he just doing nothing in particular, but not doing the things you dont want. loads of love and affection as well. try really hard to ignore the little things that are just annoying or just normal toddler behaviour like making a mess or being noisy. if he empties out your toiletries or draws on walls just say things like never mind lets clear it up together or thats lovely but lets draw on paper instead. its just toddler curiosity.
try to be positive as much as possible, and avoid any negative comments.
you could have certain rules like no hitting anyone or throwing toys etc and for this i think its good to give young ones a chance to stop, if they do it again then you could take the toy away or they have to stop playing etc. if it gets really out if hand then i think its ok to put them out of the room leave the door open and only for 30 secs or so say calmly why you are doing it and then after praise them for staying there. then forget it. i think this should only be done when its really difficult behaviour and they and you need to chill. it should be rare.
continued

[aims1202]

continued
Another thing to remember is to say you are not happy with their behaviour not that they are naughty or bad. if a child feels bad about themselves they are more likely to behave badly. more so for older children i think.
i found a really good way to give little ones (and big) lots of attention is to get them to help you with chores. my boy has always from 18mths helped put the washing on, we sort out the clothes, i put the powder in a pot, he puts it in the machine, then he presses the buttons. he now does this by himself! he has always helped with cooking dinner too and loves making mixtures of herbs and spices next to me while i do the hot bits. he also does hoovering, washing up, loads of things. they think its fun and it teaching them to look after their home and be helpful.
i think what was said about food is true, my son does go hyper when he has sugary food and sweets. i just let him have them very occassionally. i think squash is the worst and have never given it to him, real fruit juice tastes better anyway. at the moment we make smoothie ice lollies all the time, they are a real treat but just fruit!
i hope it gets better for you, i think it will, different ages bring new challenges just remember to have fun with them and try to take a break and relax sometimes. good luck

[sleepy1]

oh poor you i know how you feel my son was a night mare from the age of 1 years old he was in to everything had no fear .........we always knew he was more than just naughty at the age off 4 i asked the health vaster about adhd she said no he has not got it coz he sleeps well at night .so i was just hoping he would calm down as he got older i watch what he was eating and drinking . when he started a new school at 11 the teachers said they think he might have adhd ........... had him tested yes he has really bad adhd .he is better now coz he has tablets to take . i felt like a really bad mother when he was being naughty , even people use to tell me i need to sort him out .........but i have a older boy of 16 nearly i have never had no problems with him what so ever he is well behaved ,,,, so after all them years it was a relief to know it was not my fault he was naughty . good luck xx

[mycats]

You're nnot a bad mum Goods, we've all beenthere. I love my boy more than life itself but remember sitting crying one night once he had gone to bed because the ONLY thing we had done the whole day was fight. I had shouted at him all day, it was horrible. This will pass honest x x

[Goodsoulette]

Thanks guys. We actually had a really good day today.

Sleepy, my aunt is going through exactly the same thing and was told by her social worker he cant have adhd because he sleeps. Its utter ******** cause if ever I have seen hyperactivity in a kid, its in him. Good luck now you got a diagnosis though.

[1rovert]

There is a remedy to your child�s behaviour, used in pre Egyptian times.
1. Take child, pull down pants/ dress.
2. Place child across knees.
3. Give sharp smack on each cheek.

If problem still occurs, repeat moves 1 � 3.

Now! Before any one screams brutality, I�m not suggesting beat seven bells out of the child, Just a couple of smacks will do.
Take a tip from animals. A cat/lion/Tiger will cuff their kittens/cubs. A dog will give its pups a nip, and a bird will peck its offspring�s, contrary to belief, It is not wrong to punish your child for misbehaving.

Unless you want it to grow up wrecking your home, and driving you into a nut house.

[jno]

not quite sure where 1rovert got such knowledge about pre-Egyptian times. Anyway, what it teaches is that big people should hit little people if they don't like what they're doing, which is generally not a helpful lesson.

Goodsoulette, have you asked your GP about this? Mine actually suggested without being asked that my son was hyperactive and I said no he isn't, he's just a busy boy (which he was); so anyway doctors aren't going to laugh at you, they take it seriously. This sort of thing takes its toll on mums, which is another reason to see if there's actually a medical diagnosis. (Is your man sharing the load here?) You're not a crap mum - crap mums don't come here asking for advice, they just slip more gin into the Milupa - but you must be a very tired one. So don't be afraid to ask a doctor. Maybe there's nothing medically to be done, but it's worth inquiring.

[Goodsoulette]

Hey JNO, my partner and I split and he lives the other end 150 miles away now, which is possibly why I feel so trapped. As much as I didnt like seeing their dad at least he could pop round for an hour and help me out.

I have thought about asking my doctor but I'm sure its just a terrible twos thing.

[jno]

even if your boy isn't clinically ill, you're going to be ill if this goes on indefinitely. Do ask for help - your taxes pay for the NHS, you're entitled!

[aims1202]

It is true that some children are more hyperactive than others and as a result are more hard work. this is especially true with boys. there are children with ADHD but this is not as common as we think ,the majority of children who behave like this, some who are diagnosed, are not actually ADHD they are just parented in the wrong way for them. has anyone read any of Steve Biddolphs books like Raisng Boys or Secrect of happy children?
one of the things he says in Raising Boys is that what seems like ADHD can actually sometimes be that they are underfathered, meaning a boy that does not have a dad around or close to him being kind, caring but firm. this is difficult for single mums, i am one myself, it is impossible to be both mum and dad. he does say that other men in the childs life can be just as good at this. but us single mums just have to do the best we can.
the other reasons for behavior like this is always seeing the bad and expecting them to behave badly. also always telling them not to do this not to do that when it really can be ignored. if a child is told they are a naughty boy all the time then they will be naughty, they will have low self esteem and feel bad about themselves and so will behave bad. this happens in schools all the time. they get the label and it stays with them. what these chidren need is the opposite too be told they are clever, gorgeous, good company etc. its the behaviour that you tell them you dont like and must stop.
cont

[aims1202]

cont.
Also setting clear rules and being firm and sticking to what you say. there has to be consequences for really unacceptable behaviour according to their age. but the majority of the day should be about what they do that is good.
behaving badly is also to get attention so although its hard work they need to be played with a lot.
we dont need to blame parents for their kids bad behaviour most are trying their best and only doing what they think is right. some have a lot of their own problems and need help. no-one knows all the answers but trying new ways when something isnt working is part of it.
all children have different needs some need more praise, more affection, more attention thats why brothers and sisters behave differently.

[sophie_1003]

jno, i was smacked as a child (well, tapped rather than smacked) and it in no way has taught me that "big people can hit little people". I can actually only remember one time that I was smacked and that was when my brother was about to sit down and I pulled the chair out from under him, I still believe I deserved it! Smacking is sometimes appropriate as long as it doesn't get out of hand!

[Becky-Lou]

This might sound silly, but have you seen 'Supernanny?' if not its on channel 4 at around 5 or 9ish I think, but don't take that for definite. I think using the 'naughty chair' idea and for bedtime the three steps (1. First time child leaves bedroom, say: 'its bedtime, time to sleep. 2. Second time, say: 'its bedtime.' 3. Third time, say NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
Hope this helps. It does on TV ;)