grandparents rights

[sad nan]

my daughter-in-law, has suddenly stopped all access even by telephone to my 5 yr old gradaughter, with whom i have a very close relationship, she used to ring me 4/5 times a day. this is making me ill, and i am very concerned about the affect it is having on my grandaughter. can i do anything?

[dot.hawkes]

You can't do much until your daughter-in-law grows up and realising she is probably being abit selfish, obviously she is abit annoyed about something, what does your son say about it?

[sad nan]

for the 2nd time in 8 yrs, she has made him choose between his family and her. we had no contact for 3 yrs, but when the baby was born, he stood up to her, and everything was fine, until a couple of months ago, when i dared to ask for SOME of the money they had borrowed 3 yrs ago, ( for a month) and all hell broke loose. he is not allowed contact with any of his brothers and sisters either, they used to be so close.

[tiny e.a]

she sounds like a bit of a nightmare, your son should stand up to her more often.

As far as the phone calls go, perhaps she was annoyed by how frequent they were. You could try speaking to her, explaining how important your grandaughter is to you and agreeing to speaking to her on the phone perhaps only 3 times a week rather than 4/5 times a day. It's not perfect but perhaps you could make sacrifices for the sake of staying in touch with your grandaughter on some level?

[sad nan]

thank you for taking the time to reply, i have tried everything, she is 20 yrs older than my son, and already had 5 children, grown up when they married. she is an only child and very spoilt, she tried ruling her own children, until they got into relationships and broke free. i know it is useless, but i can't give up on my grandaughter, until i have explored all avenues. have thought of speaking to her head mistress, as i am well known at her school, as i normally pick her up from school.thought she might be able to tell me if the little one is ok....
i am not pushy, and have always bit my tongue, when i could have said something.

[earsugar]

Sad nan, the rights here belong to your grand daughter, she has the right to see you, legally the mother cannot stop this. Of course it will take time if it has to go through the court.

You keep your chin up, take whatever access you get and continue to build that bond.

I empathise, good luck, get some legal advice, get your son involved.

[sad nan]

dear earsugar. thanks for that, i dont have the 1st idea how to go about getting a solicitor. my husband has been seriously ill with cancer, and i had a t i a last month, brought on i think with the worry over my grandaughter. do you know if i could do this on legal aid? more than anything else, i want to know she is ok. and doesnt think i have deserted her.

[Goodsoulette]

When I Was a similar age, I didn't see my dads mum for a while, a few years I think. It didn't bother me to be honest. You can apply to the court for a contact order, if you go to your court you can get the forms yourself and ask CAB to help you out.

As a mum, 4 to 5 phone calls a day would p1ss me off from my own mum let alone my partners. If you go via court order then phone calls will be restricted too. They wont deem it necessary to speak to her daily.

I would suggest you back off for a good month and do nothing. You sound very bitter towards this woman and it is her daughter. Its not that I dont sympathise with you but it sounds like you are making a rod for your own back.

Whatever you do never talk badly of your sons woman in front of the little girl. Dont patronise her and dont tell her how to be a mum. None of this will work in your favour. Fathers are often only wntitles to every other weekend so you arent going to be entitled to this much. Taking her to court will get you nowehre near the amount you want to se or speak to her.

#Give her time to cool off and try and work it out outside of the courtroom.

[Goodsoulette]

Also just thinking, that if after a month you still cant get her to communicate with you. Get an unbiased mediator involved. . . . you could both write down what you want, maybe the mediator could talk to the grandaughter as well and come to some conclusion. Someone needs to tactfully point out to the daughter in law that although she has the decision on who she sees and doesnt see, a relationship with the grandmother is beneficial.

[sad nan]

hi good soulette.
i don't think i have made myself clear. i wasn't doing the phoning, the little one used to phone me, and leave me messages, if i was at the hospital, (i sti;; have them on answerphone, to listen to her) Yes i suppose you are right, i am bitter, that this person can hurt so many people . and have no conscience. but i have never patronised her, i have 7 children and have NEVER interfered, but always been there if and when needed. my son has changed from a loving easy going young man, to a hard cold individual. sorry i seem to be pouring everything out here, i just want to know if i should explore further options to try to have contact with my grandaughter, or at least to be kept up to date with how she is, and to let her know i have not deserted her. i know you are only hearing my side of the situation.

[Goodsoulette]

You take them to court as a very last option. She will get only more against you if she's dragged through court. Earsugar is wrong, the rights are with the parents and if she makes the decision for you to not see or speak to her you have to take her to court.

Give them 4 weeks then invite them round for dinner or something. Can you Send your granddaughter a nice pencil case when she goes back to school? Dont they ever want to go out and need a babysitter?

[earsugar]

Let me explain myself better, the child has the right to see you, as it is a child it cannot exercise this right, the court will grant you access as its the childs right to see her grandparents, this is time consuming, costly and emotionally draining. Follow goods advice, the first thing any court appointed officer will tell you is to try mediation.

Don't let this consume you, kids are resiliant.

[sad nan]

thanks to everybody who took the time to post a reply. guess i'll have to play it by ear. bye

[pingping]

have you thought about writing a letter to your DIL to let her know how you are feeling? I don't if this would work, but sometimes it's easier to express in writing what we feel than it it to say things in the heat of the moment.

good luck though

[sad nan]

thank you. but nothing was said or done in the heat of the moment, (by me) it is now 6 weeks since i have even spoken to my grandaughter. my dil has told me not to ring her no.: SHE KNOWS WHERE IT HURTS MOST

[treborrobert]

for god sake ! get your coat on and go round there ! if you love your grandaughter stand by her and stop acting like a child ! ... i am a granfather and i see my granson on my days off from work nobody stops me ! you are a strong part of that childs life TELL HER ! and tell her to put the past behind and start again ... forget the money after all its only money and tell your son to grow up !. face to face she will liston to u by a 3 party or phone is no good ...stand up for yourself women ..

[treborrobert]

well r u going to go round or are you going to sit there and wonder were everything went wrong ! go round and see her and talk to her face to face ... when you asked for some money back they probly was going threw bad times with money and you was asking at the wrong time... forget the money if its not a great deal ... my daughters a one parent and i give her money from time to time to help her out ... GO ROUND AND SEE HER.....OR DO U WANT IT TO GO ON FOR LONGER ?

[treborrobert]

AND DONT DO ANYTHING BEHIND HER BACK AS YOU SAID YOU MIGHT GO TO THE SCHOOL THAT WILL MAKE THING WERSE ! . SHE WOULD JUST SAY. WHO THE HELL SHE THINK SHE IS GOING TO THE SCHOOL !.... think of this ok ... your grandaughter has been ringin you up loads of times .. and she probly been talkin about you loads ... well phone bill ? and a bit of jelusy ?.. comes to mind and then you asked for money .... its not rocket science is it to work out...SO GO ROUND AND TALK TO HER ... YOUR NOT ALOUD TO TALK TO THE CHILD NOBODY SAID YOU ARE NOT ALOUD TO TALK TO HER GRIT YOUR TEETH AND GET ON WITH IT ......... GO ROUND AND SPEAK TO HER... PLEASE LET US KNOW HOW YOU WENT ON ! doing nothing will get you noware will it ?

[sad nan]

well!!! treborrowbert, you sound like a force to be reckoned with. wish i had your strength, but as i said earlier, my husband has cancer, and i had a mild stroke a month ago.they have had thousands off us in the past 4 years,, given willingly, and with love, but they also BORROWED � 500. neither my husband nor i can work now, (i am my husband's carer) so money is very limited, and i only asked for some of what they had borrowed, because they have money now.
call me a wimp, i probably am, but i know if i go round she will be aggressive, and i don't want my grandaughter to be subjected to this.
i have made my mind up to have an informal chat with a solicitor next week, to see what my options are.
the phone calls were free, so that wasn't an issue, but you could be right about her being jealous. thanks for taking the time to right.
by the way i have 27 grandchildren, and have a special bond with all of them, 1 great grandson, and another due any day.
enjoy your grandson

[treborrobert]

then its your sons loss if he is stupid enought to let her control him then he is a fool.. bet u stick up for your son lol
as a mother would. am not to sure going to a 3rd party is going to help... she will probly never forgive you and no court in the land is going to help you without her say so ... do this for me ok ... just ring her and ask can u 2 meet up and talk dont be put off just try... then if u get nowere then go to a 3rd party for help... think off this .... you have not spoken since the fallout... so you dont realy now do u ? make the call and try... if she shouts at you just put the phone down ... then go to a 3rd party for help... then you can say you have tryed......you know i am right dont u ?

[sad nan]

hi. yes. i e mailed this morning. but NOTHING. thanks for your advice.
8 yrs ago my son came round to our house, collected 3 black bags of christmas presents, for him and her and all her children, he left saying see you next week mum, and we heard nothing more for over 3 years, when he turned up to tell us he had a little girl. this ( not being in contact )almost killed me, it was worse than a bereavement. and i swore i would never let her do this to me again. the pain is unbearable, and i am crying as i write this. i have to cope the only way i can, for my sanity.