Feel Suffocated

[sooz07]

I am 23 years old and have 2 younger sisters. My parents are strict especially my mum. She is controlling and obsessive and it's getting me and my sisters really down. She controls what we buy � makes us feel guilty about buying things. She hardly lets me or my sisters go out or see our friends. My youngest sister who is 15 went to her friend's birthday sleepover. She now asked if she can go to see her friend again at the weekend, my mum said no because she went to see her last weekend. Is this fair? I feel suffocated, angry especially my mum trying to control me when I am 23! We are Muslims so this may play a part but c'mon � she is being excessive with this. I lost all my friends from high school I wasn't allowed to go out with them � I knew what my mums answer would be so I didn't bother asking to go anywhere with them. I lied to my friends about having other commitments and that I couldn't go to nights out etc because I know what my mum would say. This has happened to both my sisters and it will get worse � they will lose their friends just like I did and my mum hasn't learnt her lesson that if she keeps doing what she did to me then my sisters will end up like me hardly any friends. My mum knows that we don't dare to just walk out and go to a night out even if she said no � she knows we are too scared to do that. I don't want to go out and get drunk and sleep with guys � have respects for myself. I just want to live a normal life, have fun, have friends I don't want to be the outcast. What do I do?

[meltoadhall]

is getting a job and moving out an option? or staying with relatives?

[lorri24601]

your mum is as good as driving you all away she probably does not realise how you all feel, maybe you should try talking to her about it as a group, you could also mention that once your youngest sister is 16 the 3 of you could easily all get jobs move out of home and in together, that may make her have a good long hard think and then maybe the 4 of you could find some ground rules you all agree on and go from there

[sooz07]

We have tried talking to her but its her way or no way. We are only suppose to move out of the house if we get married thats our culture. I have been married and got divorced - that wasn't a happy time for me or anyone in my family. There are a lot of other things that have happened in my family. Family members left my family because they wanted to live their lives happily but my family said they if they leave the family home then they will never be allowed to come back. I have a job but paying rent on my own it too much. There is no talking to her she won't listen. I would have left my family along time ago but if I did I would have not been allowed to see my sisters - I would have been disowned. The only reason I came home was for my sisters - I left during the time of my divorce but had to come back.

[Elizabeth ll]

It sounds to me like your mum is the one who is scared. She is expressing her fears by appearing to suffocate you and your sisters. Talk with her and let her express her fears directly to her, she sounds like she needs some reassurance from you. After a while I think you may find she lightens up a bit. Your culture is one of family closeness and she doesn,t want to lose that. Communication is the key.

[WendyS]

I do understand how difficult it must be in your culture, but at the same time you are an adult and entitled to lead your own life. I suspect that your divorce may have caused you to lose some self-confidence. You don't say much about your father. Would he be able to influence your mother to ease up a little or is he part of the problem too?
I think you need to sit down with your mother and point out that despite your culture, you are a legal adult now and she really can't control your every movement. It may cause a few arguments to begin with, but unless you make a stand now you will turn into a household slave for life. You say that other family members left because they wante to lead their own lives and this has caused problems. Perhaps you should point out to your mother that if she continues like this, she will drive the rest of you away too. Would it be possible for you to go and live with any of your other family members who have already moved away? Meanwhile I suggest you quietly save as much money as you can, away from the control of your family, so that you have some funds to support yourself when you eventually pluck up enough courage to make the move.