What to do about my daughter

[Im a BusyBee]

i really dont know what to do about my daughter.........her partner left her and my grandson 18 months ago (he's nearly 3 now) in lots of debt and he continues to cause us all lots of grief but thats another story! my problem is that ever since hes been gone she spends ALL her time at ours. i work fulltime and she is always there when i get home, she brings her washing for me to do,i get all the shoppping for her and us (she eats very little at hers as always here) i prepare and cook 99% of meals.she does empty and just about refil dishwasher everyday but just puts things anyhow in my cupboard so they are all very untidy.if i run out of bread or milk she doesnt walk to the shop to get more but me or her dad has to go when we get home. she doesnt havre much confidence in herself. but my husband and i NEVER get 5 mins to ourselves. im alone now with my grandson cos they have gone driving (she has her test soon).she goes home at bedtime each day and comes back at around lunchtime.even her dog is fed here each day.if my husband and i go out she seems to have the ability to make me feel guilty at leaving her at home alone. i could go on but think you will understand where im coming from.something needs sorting out as i am getting so stressed arguments are starting and im afraid we will fall out.

[Pam29]

Sounds like she's got major confidence problems. Could you contact some of her friends and ask them to arrange for her to go out for the day or evening. Offer to babysit once a week whilst she goes out. It may seem like you are giving her even more but if in the long term it gets her back into normal life again it will be worth it.
Also what about encouraging her to do a course or get a part time job and put the child in nursery once or twice a week. You could get her details of local mum and tots group etc etc.

[jodie73]

Your daughter seems to be lonely living on her own and can't face being at home alone with her son. She's looking for the stability you gave her when she was a child, like a comfort thing.

[Im a BusyBee]

thanks for your replies, i think along same lines, i do babysit for her but i had hoped things would change over time, but 18 months down the line and everythings the same (if not worse!) she seems to have got into a rut, routine call it what you like but i cant cope with it for much longer.at weekends for instance she is there on a friday pm and doesnt go home til bedtime sunday.im afraid to give a bedroom here as i think it would make her even more comfortable and she would be here permantantly so she has a blow up mattress downstairs. As she doesnt have a room of her own she is constantly 'in my face' (i dont like that saying but unfortunately thats how it is.when i went into dining room this morning she hadnt even cleaned/wiped highchair from dinner last night and dirty dish still on it (as usual) AAARRRGGGHHH!!

[sarnieken]

It does sound like she's craving the care she had when she was younger although it also sounds like she's starting to take a few liberties.

You don't say how old she is but she does need to try and act her age and live up to the responsibility that having a chlid brings.

Unfortunately she has to be told that, although you love having her around and that you want to be there for her, you have raised your family and you want to have your life back.
Obviously there are probably better ways of saying that kind of thingbut you get my picture.

As for the highchair, she should be cleaining it whether she is at your house or her own. Personally, I would not clean it for her. When she asks why you haven't then you should tell her that it is her responsibility.

recently, my g/f and I had our flat flooded out by the flat upstairs. As a result, we are staying at her parents' house. The first thing we did was to agree on the ground rules. After all, we were in ther place and we should respect their space.

[jodie73]

I think you should tell her how you feel in a nice way. Explain that you need your space and she must need hers! Tell her you don't mind her visiting a couple of times a week but for a couple of hours. Have her round for dinner once a week. Good luck.xx

[WoWo]

As often is the case with these situations you know exactly what you need to do but are unable to do it.

You need to tell her that coming round all the time is no longer acceptable, she is an adult she needs to accept her situation and deal with it.

[Im a BusyBee]

i do try in a round about way vitually everyday but its like water off a ducks back, i do fear there will be cross words and upset before long but i really dont know how to handle it apart from being blunt. And yes you're all right and i am fully aware of everything youve all said. i am so close to the end of my teather now - by the way its her 21st next week and as a surprise to her i have a limo taking her and her friends out for a meal with their partners being driven by my husband (18 of us in all), i do like to make sure she doesnt miss out even though she struggles day to day. it is very difficult.

[miacat]

Hi BusyBee - I found myself in exactly the same situation except I was in your daughter's position! I never meant to but when my husband was away working and I had a small son I spent pretty much every day and evening at my mum and dad's. It honestly never occurred to me that they might be fed up with it - I didn't think they liked having me there because I just DIDN'T THINK ABOUT IT I know that souds terribly selfish but it was my mum and dad's house - I treated like home and that's what your daughter is doing. My guess is she'd be mortified if she knew how you felt. I found out when I overheard my mum and dad talking about it - I cried for days and felt unwanted then realised that, of course, they had their own life. I never told them I'd heard and they never mentioned the fact that i only visited a couple of times a week for a few hours instead of every day. This may be the best way for her to find out how you and dad are feeling. Hope this is helpful - she probably just likes being at home which just shows what a great mum you are!

[marabout]

say it all in a letter......start by telling her of her good points...maybe suggest she lives a little nearer?...and NO front door key...go out with hubby on a saturday...babysit on a sat night..roast on sunday...home by 5pm...the little one must have a routine?...creche facilities? job? uni?...you gonna have to be cruel to be kind kiddo!...good luck!