Worried about my children

[smitch]

My daughter (9) and my son (11) both seem to be relatively unpopular at school. They are not 'cool' like their contemporaries, and never seem to be in with the in crowd. Neither of them has a particular 'best friend' and neither gets invited to birthday parties etc.
I am very conflicted as to what advice I can give them. On one hand, I'm a strong believer in being yourself, not pretending to be something you're not, but on the other hand, fitting in at school can make the difference between the best and worst days of your life.
Can anyone give me any thoughts, opinions or advice on what I can do to help them, and what I do with my conflict of principles?

[lil75]

Are the children happy in general, if they are then I wouldnt worry too much, my daughter has never fitted in "with the crowd" and to be honest, im glad, the behaviour from some of these girls is appalling....on the other hand my daughter is a well behaved and respected pupil. The best thing to do is to get them to join clubs, such as football or dancing, they will make friends there and learn to be more sociable x

[Nosha123]

Can you speak to your GP or their teacher? It is important they involve themselves in groups and make friends.. Communication is an essential skill for children to learn - and to see them through life. Yes they can be individuals.. but they must learn about people, communication and understanding.. and the more they are exposed to it and all the different types of characters out there the better!
As the parent you absolutely are responsible for encouraging this behaviour... they may be shy... and it is down to you to support them and encourage them to not be so shy and to try to make friends

[lozzylou]

i agree with lil, if they are happy then dont worry too much, my mom used to make sure we all sat down for dinner every night and always asked us if things were ok at school, and if they wasnt we would sit and talk about it.
i dont agreshing them into activities just to make friends as they wont enjoy it.
just offer these things to them quite often and let them choose when they feel ready.

[smitch]

Thank you lil and nosha for your responses. My children are generally happy, although my son is very over sensitive and a terrible worrier. They have both been through beavers and cubs, joining in with all the trips away and weeks away at camp - in this respect they are confident enough and more independent than many others their age. As for being shy - they both seem to 'make friends' relatively easily in the first instance. They don't have a problem with introducing themselves to new people, and joining in with games. It just seems to be that they don't 'fit', and their friends would always rather be with someone else. It would so make my day if one of them came home from school and said that someone had invited them for a sleepover or to a party! I have tried so hard to help them, by inviting their friends from school round for tea, for sleepovers, to parties etc, but my children never seem to get invited back. Is it just these other children (and their parents?) who are behaving ignorantly, or is there some other reason?
I get so fierce when I see my kids being unfairly treated, but I know they have to go through this stuff to grow and develop. But it's so hard to see them suffer and not act.

[Nosha123]

Can you maybe speak to one of the other parents and ask them why their own child does not seem to like yours.. might give you an insight hearing it from the other sides view!

They may have learnt the skills needed to make friends at first but maybe they are lacking the knowledge as to how to sustain a relationship with other children... do they maybe talk about themselves too much or not show an interest in the other child's interests... its a complex issue but there may be a reason in there somewhere.
My sister for example (now 29) is FAMOUS for never listening and NEVER being interested in anyone but herself.. If the topic of conversation is her.. she's fine.. as soon as someone talks about themselves, she switches off.
I know it might sound silly.. but these skills of conversation all stem from what we learn in our early years and how we relate with others.
If you are really worried you could speak to a child psychologist.. or maybe even take a course at home yourself.... I did one and found it fascinating!

[daffy654]

I have an 11 year old son who isn't one of the "in crowd". He is well liked by most though,he just doesn't want to hang out with the ones who get into trouble. He is a very intelligent child(he has Aspergers Syndrome) and is considered a bit of a swot,he also plays football though so I suppose that helps him to fit in a bit.I have always instilled into him that he should never 'dumb down' just to fit in and if the other children say anything to him about it he should just remember that they don't know any better.

Your children will find their niche in school life and if they are unhappy about not having friends then join them up to some after school activities or a local youth club where they will be mixing with like-minded children.

[periwinkle]

i would make sure there are no obvious reasons why the other kids aren't friends with them e.g they dont smell.
also has the 11 year old just started secondary school cos it can take a while to make friends.
clubs are good especially if they are not linked to the school cos then there will be a different crowd of people.
i've never had a particular best friend and i wouldn't consider that an issue

[Sasperilla]

I have an 11 year old son and a 9 year old daughter and have been through similar. My son is mostly confident and in new situations makes friends very easily e.g. on holidays. However, he doesn't enjoy sports very much, and sings in a choir (his choice)so therefore regards himself as being "uncool",but I, like you have always encouraged him to be individual.
My daughter has always been very shy at school and never has a particular best friend. However, she is generally quite happy.
The school they attend operates a couple of very good systems at lunchtime. 1) They have a group of Year 6 children responsible for different games to play in the playground - they work on a rota system and involve as many children as possible. 2) Every day there are 2 older children assigned to "work" at the "friendship stop". This is an area that children at the school who haven't got anyone to play with can go to and the befrienders will play with them. These 2 schemes have been very successful and we very rarely have a child who feels isolated at play times. Perhaps you could suggest something like this be initiated at your childrens school (if they haven't got something already). You could voice your concerns to the teachers, so that your son and daughter could be kept a special eye on at lunchtimes, by the midday supervisors.
As for birthday parties etc., older kids don't seem to have as many parties as the younger ones, so I shouldn't worry. And parents that never invite your kids back to tea when you have had their kids time and again (and there do seem to be a few of these), just don't invite their kid any more.
I think, what action you decide upon must be based on how unhappy your children are. Always go with your gut feeling as their mother and don't be hesitant in speaking to the teachers/ headteacher - they are there to help.
Good luck and I hope everything works out for you and your children.

[smitch]

Thank you so much Sasperilla for your kind words and great advice. Apart from anything else, it is so encouraging to hear that other parents have children in similar situations to mine. Of course I know in my head that all children have some hangup or other, and that none of them really are 'cool' underneath, but it's easy to get sucked into the idea that 'your kids are the only ones...'
I was reminded by your response that my daughter's school actually does have a similar friendship scheme to the one you describe, and I think I need to recognise and address my daughter's responsibility in helping herself. I do know that she can be quite wilful and has always been pretty independent, and that probably has a fair bit to do with things. It's great that she has her own personality, and doesn't just go along with the crowd, but on the other hand she does get upset sometimes when others won't let her join in their games because she hasn't built any relationship with them.
Ah, the joys of parenting! It's SO heartening to know there are other mums (and dads) out there who are trying their best and getting it wrong sometimes, just like me.

[flump2]

nosha you got popular doing one thing....... noshing

[ajrowe]

I know it sounds crass but studies show that good looking children are popular and different looking children are unpopular with their peers. Could they do with improving their appearance, are they overweight for example, or with bad skin conditions?

Or are they really intelligent and get on well with the teachers, from my school days the 'swots' were never popular.

I can vouch for this considering that in the last secondary school that I went to aged 14-17 I was chubby, with frizzy reddish hair, blotchy freckles, glasses,a brace, acne and had a mother who refused to buy me 'cool' clothes. I was also a swot and probably the least popular girl in the year (although it was a small school). However I did survive and went on to loose weight, get laser eye surgery and skin treatments to look good. So perhaps it's not such a big deal at the end of the day.