I'm 42 years old.. why do I allow my mother to make me feel worthless?

[tequilamock]

I always had an incredibly close relationship with my Mum. I'm an only child and we were more like friends. However, since giving birth to my little girl 2 years ago, my Mum is starting to have a detrimental effect on me...

She used to always tell me how proud she was of me. My husband & I ran a successful business for many years, then, with the recession, that hit a rough time... We had a very bad year, and, towards the end of that year (when my little girl was about 1), my Mum had a huge 'blow out'. She said my husband was a 'sorry excuse of a man' and that I 'disgusted her', amongst other really nasty, hurtful things. Although she did say sorry (by email..), she doesn't want to talk about it and the whole thing was brushed under the carpet... But I still think about it every day...

My husband got a great job, and I started working part time also. However, we still need her help and she gladly comes every week (she lives 50 miles away) and looks after our daughter. She loves this and my daughter adores her.

I am overweight and, although she doesn't moan about it, she does make comments about it. She also called me 'narky' last night.

I suppose it's just a bit of a shock to me to think the woman who I always held in such high esteem isn't 'perfect'. She actually has quite a nasty streak to her...

She 'raises her eyes heavenwards' in incredulity, and just has an 'air' of 'I''m not impressed' about her a lot of the time.

She won't speak about feelings and finds it hard to give compliments. In fact, when I gave her a compliment last week, she turned on me and said I'd had too much to drink!

I also wondered if relationships change after a daughter has a child...

I'm a good Mum, and I always try to be a kind, honest person. I find it really hard, and quite depressing, that the one person I always thought I could rely on to make me feel

[Eve]

I've found i've been a lot more upfront about things lately and it's been a really nice change and has made me see a different and more emotional side of my mum.

I remember when my nan (mum's mum) died. Just after she'd gone, I was outside with one of my aunts who said I should have heard my mum talking about me and that she had said that I'm her best friend.

That really surprised me and is something that,despite everything, I really hold on to.

I hope this helps in some way x

[Whoever]

I don't think any of us realise how our relationships and feelings can change about parents. When we're young, they're a fount of wisdom and support and know it all. Then as we grow up and accumulate experiences of our own, it becomes easier to judge by a different set of criteria. Also, we tend to see our mother and father as our parents and are never really able to judge them dispationately as individuals in their own right, as perhaps, we would judge a neighbour from across the road or a work colleague. If your mother simply won't discuss the trigger points for your blow out, there's not much you can do. Perhaps she felt your husband "let you down" when your business hit a rough period, but the important thing is that you and he have pulled through together, and perhaps she's a little envious of your strong reltionship together.
Are you sure that it's not your being overweight that is really the issue that is bugging you and making you feel unkind about yourself. Try and be honest with yourself about this, and if it is damaging your self-esteem, make some determined efforts to try and deal with it. Perhaps your mother is also going through the Change, which is making her ratty, and also making her feel that some of the best parts of her life and now behind her. Knowing that you're growing older and less attractive isn't much fun, so perhaps it's better if you just focus on the good points of your relationship with your husband and daughter, and leave her to work her own way out of her miseries.

[Whoever]

I don't think any of us realise how our relationships and feelings can change about parents. When we're young, they're a fount of wisdom and support and know it all. Then as we grow up and accumulate experiences of our own, it becomes easier to judge by a different set of criteria. Also, we tend to see our mother and father as our parents and are never really able to judge them dispationately as individuals in their own right, as perhaps, we would judge a neighbour from across the road or a work colleague. If your mother simply won't discuss the trigger points for your blow out, there's not much you can do. Perhaps she felt your husband "let you down" when your business hit a rough period, but the important thing is that you and he have pulled through together, and perhaps she's a little envious of your strong reltionship together.
Are you sure that it's not your being overweight that is really the issue that is bugging you and making you feel unkind about yourself. Try and be honest with yourself about this, and if it is damaging your self-esteem, make some determined efforts to try and deal with it. Perhaps your mother is also going through the Change, which is making her ratty, and also making her feel that some of the best parts of her life are now behind her. Knowing that you're growing older and less attractive isn't much fun, so perhaps it's better if you just focus on the good points of your relationship with your husband and daughter, and leave her to work her own way out of her miseries.

[NoMercy]

Is it possible that your mother feels insecure? She must realise that now you have a child of your own, she is no longer Number one in your life. I don't have children, but my mother has had a tendancy in the past to get a bit jealous when I spend a lot of time with my friends. I'm 32, but you'd think I was still about 12 the way she complains that I don't spend enough time with her...