should I let my son go?

[sliver]

I am divorced and my son is 13. He lives half at my house and half at his dad's. He now says he wants to live mostly at his dad's. The reason for this is that he gets an easier time there. He isn't expected to do anything around the house, and just does what he likes. When he is at my house I expect him to behave like part of the family and talk to me with some respect, but he doesn't.

He gets into trouble at school for stupid things, and makes excuses for not doing his homework.

I work full time (his dad doesn't as he is disabled), and I don't want to lose him, but he seems to hate being here. It's constant arguments, which makes him want to go all the more. Any advice please?

[Androcles]

I'm no expert on situations such as this, but it strikes me, from a common sense point of view, that you and his dad need to talk to each otherabout how he is being brought up and try to reach some compromise in your son's own interest about how this develops.

[sliver]

Thank you Androcles. I have spoken to his dad on the phone but he doesn't really see the problem as I do. He should probably tell our son to show me some respect, but he doesn't.

[Androcles]

Do you have a third party, such as one of your or your ex's parenst, sisters, brothers, or good family friend who can talk to both of you about your son acting as a friend. You may need to pull some evidence together to get your ex's attentions such as school reports. It strikes me that this may demand a face to face meeting as well - a telephone conversation seems to be a bit too casual if the situation is potentially going to lose you your son.....

[sliver]

We see each other most days, but there isn't anyone who isn't biased to play mediator. My ex would also not be happy with someone else being involved. He knows about the school issues.

When I say "lose" my son, I would still see him but it wouldn't be the same as him staying here. I would be devastated, and I fear my son's behaviour would get worse.

Thank you for your good advice, Androcles x

[dothawkes31]

at 13 your son is having to cope with his own emotional and physical development as well as the difficult home situation, at his age he needs clarity over what is acceptable behavior in any situation and also he needs to know that his parents have his own future as his priority. You have two choices, let him do as he chooses and so have the dominant role over you now, or you and his father make a decision and explain to him that you both have standards and house rules and he should comply or there will be loss of priveledges and a tougher time ahead.

[Bbbananas]

You wouldn't be losing him sliver...
Believe you me, you can bet he'll be wanting to come back before long.

I had a similar situation, but reversed, with two stepsons. They rebelled against their mother around the same age and wanted to come & live with their dad and me. It worked out very well - one went back to his mum eventually, the other never did - but both have a good relationship with all of us now they're grown up.

You'll miss him, he'll miss you - but I think you have to give it a chance. My bet is, he will be back within a year!

[ummmm]

Let him go. He thinks the grass is greener.

I let my son go and live with my Mum...long story but we all had a very hard year. He lasted 6 months and now appreciates me much more than he ever did.

If you don't let him he'll resent you and probably throw it back in your face....just let him know that you'd like him to stay, you love him and he's welcome back at any time.

[Bbbananas]

... enjoy your freedom in the meantime.
but everyone's right - his father does need to set standards and boundaries - and I bet you anything you like he'll be stricter once your son is actually living with him all the time.

[sliver]

Thank you to all. I feel really torn, and I agree with all of you. I think the biggest problem is that my son wants to stay where he likes, when he likes but it's very disruptive.

I suppose I could allow a trial period and see how his behaviour and school work go, then review it in a month or so.

Thanks again for your advice and sharing your experiences x

[zzxxee]

what about letting him go for all the school holidays?
a longer stint away from you may make him see its not always greener then at least if he stays with you when hes in school you can supervise homework ect