When is it abusive?

[CJ242]

I love my husband.
In so many ways he is the perfect father but lately, I'm getting worried!!
We have two young children who can, obviously, be naughty a lot of the time.
He is a large man and he grabs them by the arm, leaving clear fingerprint bruises. I yelled at him for this and he swore he didn't mean to do it so hard.
I could believe that, but, he has started smacking them , sometimes hard enough for me to hear it when I'm on another floor of the house.
I brought this up and was told (and I quote) "I should be able to discipline my children as I see fit!")
Every morning my kids sob because he has hurt them in one way or another. Most of the time because they have just messed about in the bathroom.
Despite this, they still love him so if I leave him they will be devastated!!!
Any advice would be appreciated.

[dothawkes31]

it is abuse. He is treating them the way he was treated as a child and he needs re-training as a father.

[sophie_1003]

I would say if it's making you ask the question on here he's being too rough. If I were you I'd get out of there for a while and see what his reaction is. Give him another chance if you think he deserves it but let that be his last chance.

[suzie1]

is he depressed!!! u should not tolerate him hitting your children or grabbing them by the arm so hard, they are such small delicate little darlings and they would be in pain, so what if they are naughty, put them on the naughty step/corner, take away a favourite toy for half a day until they behave, but hitting them is against the law, and even if it wasnt against the law, it should never happen, u as a parent should protect your children and not let anyone, even the dad, hit them. does he see fit to hit the kids, was he hit as a child, he seriously needs help, and of course the kids will love him, thats all they know, coz he his their father.but bruises could lead to you losing your kids! and you should talk to him and tell him if it happens again you will leave him, or better still throw him out, ur kids should come first

[CJ242]

When I think about it, you are so right Dot!
He told me his dad used to use smacking as discipline.
I have tried to tell him that it isn't the only way but he doesn't listen!
I actually told him tonight that if he touches the kids again we would be leaving.
He put his football kit on, went to meet his mates and said "whatever"

[CJ242]

Suzie, that is EXACTLY my point!!!!

[suzie1]

lock him out, u have every right to, if the law was involved he would get into trouble for abuse and you would get into trouble for allowing it, remember poor little baby P, bless his soul, i know its not to that extreme, but one thing leads to another, im not trying to blame you, im just trying to help you see it from my point of view, hope i dont offend you

[dothawkes31]

i think this is a time when you need to bring the big guns in on your side, is his mother still alive/ If she is, ask her to come in and tell him how miserable and helpless she felt when his dad was knocking her kids about, she'll be the best one to put him straight, Mother-in-laws can be a useful resource.

[CJ242]

One of my kids already cried to a teacher saying "Daddy hurt me" so losing my kids is my biggest fear!!!!!!!!!!
I love him but I won't lose my kids for him!
I've told his parents (who agreed with me) and his dad took him for a round of golf and a 'chat' but it doesn't seem to have helped.

[Ankou]

is this the same 'vicious and nasty' husband that left you in march ?
at the time you said he got laid off. mybe he is dpressed and heading for a breakdown.

he needs sorting out.

[CJ242]

Suzie you are not offending me! Just telling me what I really already know.
I have cried to my family and his family and nobody seems to get through to him. He is so sure he is right!

[yogi-bear]

Hi CJ242

Get it sorted, my love......it IS abuse and no parent should ever be like that with their children.....you know it's wrong.
Have a word with him and tell him either he changes his ways with them or time for him to go.....it's the only way, as he seems intent on doing it repeatedly. And the patterns may get worse.

If he needs professional help, get him some, as maybe depressed, as mentioned here already, and just needs to know that what he's doing to his kids is harming them and completely wrong.

Good Luck to you.

yogi x

[CJ242]

Ankou, yes, the same man. He begged his way back
He got a new job recently that he likes so it is not about that!
I'm starting to wonder if it's just me that makes him crazy!

[Ankou]

well then get out and take the kids with you.
if it 'accidentally' went too far you'd never forgive yourself.

[CJ242]

I know you are all right!
How do I tell my children????
Despite what he does, they love him.
I tried to leave once before and they were inconsolable!!

ROCK AND A HARD PLACE!!!!!

[yogi-bear]

Dont think like that, CJ242.

Your husband sounds like he gets annoyed with most likely anything at the moment, so it's not isolated to you.
Get him the help he needs. Do you know one of his friends you can ask to have a word with him about it....show him it's wrong or get his Dad to try again to persuade him that this just is'nt right.

Take care and best wishes for you and you're family

[Ankou]

children are number 1 keep them safe.

[sara3]

I don't know what you're waiting for. he may love them and they obviously love him, but are you waiting for a fractured or broken bone? or worse?

[k8bailey]

You all need some help, one of he other posters mentioned re-training and that kind of thing is available. Afriend of mine has a child, her partner got v.drunk one night, pushed myfriend, he was arrested for assaulting her, because there is a young child involved Social Services were informed. They didn't split the family up, but instead offered help, like anger management classes, parenting clases etc, not sure how you could find out about these in your area, maybe through your GP or HV but they may be worth looking into.

I wouldn't stand for anyone hurting my child like that, just imagine that it was a teacher at school, you wouldn't think twice about putting a stop to it. Just because he's their dad, doesn't mean he should be allowed to get away with it. It will have a lasting effect on your kids, believe me I speak from personal experience!

Good luck.x

[yogi-bear]

Ankou is correct.