why is my side of the family being excluded from the wedding

[webb58]

[webb58]

Whoa, it let me post before I could search if this had been there before!

My daughter's getting married. Her mother and I divorced years ago (her mother is engaged to be married and the partner is all part of the wedding). Because my daughter lives with my ex rather than me, all my ex's side get to be invited to the wedding. None of my side are invited (including me, but that doesn't surprise me). My daughter has told my family they can stand outside the building while the wedding takes place if they want to. None of them has responded in a way you would imagine they would, but obviously they're not going to go and stand outside the building while the wedding takes place inside and without an invitation to the reception afterwards as well!

So apparently it's up to me to ask why. But it's clear to me that my side of my daughter's family isn't welcome at her wedding, so why the hell should I?

Or am I just being OTT?

[dizmouk2009]

Are you allowed to go to the wedding?
I've been down this road before and it has never been repaired, do what you want to do, look after no.1 because in the end your ex's side of the family will do what the hell they like.

[Mamyalynne]

Well obviously none of us know the history to the family breakup, but it strikes me they aare being very immature, at times like these we should all be together even if its a grin and bear it situation, then the parties go their separate ways. All I would say is try to act with dignity and not indignation if you feel the need to question them, you will come out the better person.


Good luck

M

[webb58]

Thanks very much for the replies.

No I'm not allowed to go the wedding as 'it wouldn't go down well with the other side' has been quoted. I can live with that. It upsets me, but I can live with it. Just happy to know it's not me who's being unreasonable in being hacked off about it, that's all.

Yes, it would be great if everyone could behave like 'responsible adults' for one day and let my daughter have a day with no worries. Then again, my daughter made her choice. It's her wedding, not anyone else's - and her decision is that anyone from my wife's side of the family gets to go into the ceremony; anyone from my side gets to 'stand outside' if they want to.

[dizmouk2009]

So basically your daughter does not want you at the wedding?

[webb58]

Yes, my daughter says she would want me there, but that as I wouldn't want to go without my partner, I can't be invited (and bearing in mind the rest of my family are excluded from the ceremony and the reception - unless they want to stand outside like peasants), then she cannot invite me as her mother and grandmother would not like it. Bear in mind her mother is engaged and is marrying her prospective husband the month after my daughter marries (so why should she care anyway?).

[dizmouk2009]

If your daughter wants you there then she should stand it out with her future mother-in-law. If my daughter put me in this position I'd expect her to make a stand. You can't not go to your daughters wedding, just go - make a point of how your partner was not allowed to attend. Your family aren't going to criticise you for going; you are going to 'give your daughter away'?

I really hope you sort it but I personally would not go down without a stand off and I think your daughter should be speaking to the other side of the family.

[cherrychapstick]

is there a reason she does not want your partner there apart from the fact her mother and grandmother would not approve?,seems this is hurting you more than you are letting on ,do you talk to your daughter much i think you should sit her down and tell her how you feel,who is giving your daughter away sorry for being personal

[cassa333]

You have to accept that your doaughter just doesn't want you there enough otherwise you would be. But anyway what made your family think they would get an invite? you didn't so why would they?

You now have choices.

Demand, if that is possible, an invitation.
Send your congratulations with or without a barbed comment.
Fade into the background never to be seen again.

The last is obviously what your ex wifes family want. Why would they be SO anti you? what has happened in the past that makes them act this way?

[webb58]

Very grateful for all this feedback.

No, I'm not asked to give my daughter away. I left her mother 4 years ago and even though I would hope my daughter would stand up to them after all this time, it's not going to happen. Besides which ... even if I myself am not invited - let alone give her away - why aren't the rest of her aunties and uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces, etc, invited? They're as much to do with her as they are with me and have always sent Birthday/Christmas cards/gifts.

My daughter could not say ANYTHING about the situation to my ex-wife's side of the family without being excluded from it, but I do note that she's made her choice. Then again, I'm the one who's moved away and she still has to live with them in her life.

[dizmouk2009]

I've had far to many drinks to give any advice now without telling you something you might regret. Good luck!

[webb58]

Cassa, the thing that made them so anti-me is that I left my wife four years ago. I always stayed in touch with my children (when I could, depending on when I could get to them past my ex), but my daughter is slightly older than my son and she has gradually become embroilled in all the 'crap' they spout about how I abandoned her, etc. At the time I left, my daughter was 20 and my son was 18, by the way!

[webb58]

Hey dizmouk, sometimes the spontaneous ones are the best. But I understand, so, no probs.

[tamborine]

Have you offered the traditional role of father, to pay for the wedding?

[webb58]

Sorry tamborine, I haven't. I earn £206 per week and apart from that, I have only just had this 'reason' from my daughter now, via my sister, as she has refused to answer any of my phone calls/texts since February last year.

Bit of a mess, really.

[cherrychapstick]

well sorry it is her wedding ,she is on 1 hand telling you she wants you to be there and taking that privilege away in the next breathe like dizmouk said if she really wanted you there then she would be inviting you and your partner it is not her mothers wedding it is hers and to say oh but my mums side wouldn't like it well if that was the case she wouldn't invite them!!!!!

sorry this is going to sound bad but if anything happened to your daughter would you be there?or would you just not bother because her mum wouldn't like it ?

ask her if she wants you there again. if she says yes then tell her you want an invite with your partners name or even a +1 her mother family will have to wake up and realize they can't keep you away from this its your daughter too!!!

[webb58]

Cherrychapstick, good answer. No, I would not just not turn up because her mum wouldn't like it. It's my daughter who is using her mum and her sister/grandmother/etc as the excuse, not me. I would be there if it came to that.

So yes, now I have to sit back and ask myself the things you ask. I know what the answer will be, she's already told my sister that I wouldn't be welcome because I have a partner and won't go on my own. Well I guess I'll chew on that for a bit.

[tamborine]

there's your answer webbo - you have to buy your way in.

[Dina73]

If your Daughter does not have the wedding of HER choice and is being railroaded into inviting only those that her Mother wants there, then she will regret it for a long time. Weddings are remembered for years and she will be very unhappy if she has excluded you for the sake of someone else. Build bridges with your Daughter in other ways, and let her know that you have no wish to spoil the big day by causing ructions between the two families.
It's your Daughters day, yes, but she has to look at it from all sides, and I'm sure that she is trying to be diplomatic by not having your side of the family there.
Why not arrange a get together after the wedding, with your Daughter and her new husband and the rest of your family?

[dizmouk2009]

Dizmo's back, for however long I manage to keep concious.

Weddings are actually remembered for life :)