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access to see my baby
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my husband had kicked me out and we have been separated for over nine weeks now and we have a little one and he is only 10 weeks.
my problem is that my husband hasnt seen him for nine weeks not that i have stopped him, its because he himself has refused to come. i stayed at my mums house and waited three weeks for him to come but he didnt and he just lived round the corner. after waiting i went to london to stay at my grans because i was getting depression. There i contacted him but he said he didnt want to take responsibility and didnt contact me. i stayed there for 6-7 weeks. whilst i was there my mum recieved a letter from the solicitors saying that i had refused him to see his son and that he wants to take the baby every saturday 11-2pm. i came back last week. now i dont want him to take baby to his house because i dont trust him and he has anger issues. he only wants to take him so he can show baby to his family..
he isnt really interested in baby, if he was really bothered he would have gave me some sort of maintenance for baby as i was skint and had no benefits on my name. he had also taken babys 500 surestart maternity grant and when i asked for it he said no. and he would have made some efforts to come to an agreement to see baby or to take us back home but he didnt and never made any attempts for a reconcilliation or showed any interest in baby.
however i dont want to deny him seeing his son..
are there any other ways he can see him but not take him home as i dont want baby to be on his own without me??
my problem is that my husband hasnt seen him for nine weeks not that i have stopped him, its because he himself has refused to come. i stayed at my mums house and waited three weeks for him to come but he didnt and he just lived round the corner. after waiting i went to london to stay at my grans because i was getting depression. There i contacted him but he said he didnt want to take responsibility and didnt contact me. i stayed there for 6-7 weeks. whilst i was there my mum recieved a letter from the solicitors saying that i had refused him to see his son and that he wants to take the baby every saturday 11-2pm. i came back last week. now i dont want him to take baby to his house because i dont trust him and he has anger issues. he only wants to take him so he can show baby to his family..
he isnt really interested in baby, if he was really bothered he would have gave me some sort of maintenance for baby as i was skint and had no benefits on my name. he had also taken babys 500 surestart maternity grant and when i asked for it he said no. and he would have made some efforts to come to an agreement to see baby or to take us back home but he didnt and never made any attempts for a reconcilliation or showed any interest in baby.
however i dont want to deny him seeing his son..
are there any other ways he can see him but not take him home as i dont want baby to be on his own without me??
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You still have not answered the question - why did he kick you out? You are making him look really awful, manipulated by his mother but is that the whole story?
I am not trying to be nasty, just trying to get the full picture. You do not suggest that anything was wrong before the birth - but was there?
I am not trying to be nasty, just trying to get the full picture. You do not suggest that anything was wrong before the birth - but was there?
androcles you want to know the whole story well here it is(its long!!!)....the honest truth is that it was an arranged marriage and i got married back in october 2008 but didnt move in until may the following year. i have never been in a relationship where i have given myself wholly as i always wanted to give it all to my husband to be. so when i got married to him i loved him truelly, but since november the month after we got married he was already arguing with me over petty things like going out with friends or even my sister. he was insecure as his ex's hurt him. so since then every week we argued i even used to slit my arms because i was hurt and i didnt know what to do, i never told my parents as my mum was happy and i thought he was my husband and i have to make it work and if i tell its all going to get messed up. until february 2009, when he started accusing me of things i couldnt take it any more and burst into tears infront of my mum. nobody knew not even me at this time i became pregnant so obviously my hormones were everywhere. or else i wouldnt have told. so my mum went to his mums house and my mum sorted him out. then i told him i was pregnant then he calmed down for a little while.
then when it came closer to the wedding day i had to do my last minute shopping a week before. so i asked him if i was allowed to go as we had too many arguements where he found out i used to go out and didnt tell him. his family always used to tell him that they had seen me here and there wearing this etc. he used to ring me there and then and swear down the phone. so from then i used to ring him to ask for his permission. when i did ask he said no and i tried telling him that its important he started yelling saying im going there to link up with guys and that i want the attention. then things went all out of control and i told my mum. she went down and tried to calm things down but instead of calming down his mum and sisters pumped him up more saying we're not coming to the wedding. he said he isnt coming so then my dad got involved (he never knew i was pregnant and that we used to argue) then things did go ahead but not everyone from his family came.
when i moved in i got to know how the family really worked. in my motherinlaws theres 1 medium and 2 small bedrooms and two small living rooms. the medium sized belonged to my sister inlaw and her two children and the other one my mother inlaw and her grandson. my sister in law has her own house but is living here for the past two years. the mother in law told me not to give the address to doctors or banks etc as she had said she'll living single, she said if u tell anyone that you live here then they going to take her benefits away. so theres a bigger house which they also own which is down the street but has been empty for the 25 yrs- i was told to say im living there.
then they (mother in lw and husband) started to put restrictions on when i go and see my family. my parents live only 3 streets away and they said you can go only once a week on a sunday when my dad will also be at home in the evening. i was only allowed to stay there for 2 hours.
when i moved in i got to know how the family really worked. in my motherinlaws theres 1 medium and 2 small bedrooms and two small living rooms. the medium sized belonged to my sister inlaw and her two children and the other one my mother inlaw and her grandson. my sister in law has her own house but is living here for the past two years. the mother in law told me not to give the address to doctors or banks etc as she had said she'll living single, she said if u tell anyone that you live here then they going to take her benefits away. so theres a bigger house which they also own which is down the street but has been empty for the 25 yrs- i was told to say im living there.
then they (mother in lw and husband) started to put restrictions on when i go and see my family. my parents live only 3 streets away and they said you can go only once a week on a sunday when my dad will also be at home in the evening. i was only allowed to stay there for 2 hours.
i wasnt allowed to go out with my friends and the house phone was one way so that they dont need to pay and my husband never topped my phone up- okay he did just the once but he made a big deal off it. he said no one in his family i.e his sisters went out with their friends. so when i went out i only went with them and that was only to the market. they never took me anywhere. my husband used to take me out for drives and to get something to eat but he never allowed me to get out of the car and eat in the resturaunts as i was going to get looked at.
as i was getting bigger my mum inlaw said i shouldnt go out as its a risk to the baby so i used to stay in 24 hours only went out when my husband took me.
as my husband didnt work we had no money he was on benefits he was getting single jsa, we didnt know that i could be added. so when he had his so called "accident" he went on esa and started to get insurance money aswell as esa- in actual fact he had no accident and wasnt injured at all. When he told me i was shocked as i am completely against fraud. i said to him not to do it but he said we need the money. when his eldest sister told him of all the benefits that are entitled to us once we have baby he shocked me completely he said whats the point of working when you can get the same amount from benefits. i was angry and told him straight he was going to work and at this time my dad did him a favour and took him with him as my dad is a self employed builder but he wasnt really interested and my dad was getting annoyed with him.
as i was getting bigger my mum inlaw said i shouldnt go out as its a risk to the baby so i used to stay in 24 hours only went out when my husband took me.
as my husband didnt work we had no money he was on benefits he was getting single jsa, we didnt know that i could be added. so when he had his so called "accident" he went on esa and started to get insurance money aswell as esa- in actual fact he had no accident and wasnt injured at all. When he told me i was shocked as i am completely against fraud. i said to him not to do it but he said we need the money. when his eldest sister told him of all the benefits that are entitled to us once we have baby he shocked me completely he said whats the point of working when you can get the same amount from benefits. i was angry and told him straight he was going to work and at this time my dad did him a favour and took him with him as my dad is a self employed builder but he wasnt really interested and my dad was getting annoyed with him.
then a whole month my inlaws stopped talking to me for no reason and when i begged and cried infront of my husband to ask them what was my fault they said i dont do enough house work. i was seven months pregnant and also anemic, when i moved in i did everything/.and they expected me to carry on.
my husband told them i was ill but then they changed it saying i dont talk to them and dont socialise with them. and that i stay asleep for long.
i went to my mums as i needed a break and my husband wanted me to stay at home with his mother and sisters so he rang me saying come home now and that he was going out with his mates and was coming home after midnight. i was at my mums and with all the stress i had for a month i cried then my mum couldnt see me like this and kept me for a week as she was scared i might deliver early i was 36 weeks. even then he didnt come to see me or think about the fact that i was in a fragile and emotional state and he shouldnt have hurt me like that but he didnt care he argued and swore.
then when i told my mum i wanted to go back because my husband threathend me by saying you can stay there forever im not coming and you can have baby on your own and when you have it you can give him to me. i felt bad and went back without him appologizing instead i did because i went away from him and made him angry. he said im glad you came back because if you didnt i would have ended it the relationship.
my husband told them i was ill but then they changed it saying i dont talk to them and dont socialise with them. and that i stay asleep for long.
i went to my mums as i needed a break and my husband wanted me to stay at home with his mother and sisters so he rang me saying come home now and that he was going out with his mates and was coming home after midnight. i was at my mums and with all the stress i had for a month i cried then my mum couldnt see me like this and kept me for a week as she was scared i might deliver early i was 36 weeks. even then he didnt come to see me or think about the fact that i was in a fragile and emotional state and he shouldnt have hurt me like that but he didnt care he argued and swore.
then when i told my mum i wanted to go back because my husband threathend me by saying you can stay there forever im not coming and you can have baby on your own and when you have it you can give him to me. i felt bad and went back without him appologizing instead i did because i went away from him and made him angry. he said im glad you came back because if you didnt i would have ended it the relationship.
then before i went back my mum asked me whether i wanted to stay at hers after i had the baby as its my sides first g.son and that she wanted to take good care of me. we made it clear with my inlaws that i wanted that- nobody objected. it was initially set for 40 days then two weeks then a week. i went over my due date and the cheek of my mother in law she said to me i should move around more do more of the house work. she made me do double the work and i used to be so tired that i used to collapse when i hit the bed.but i stayed quiet and did whatever she said. she also started saying that you shouldnt go to your mums after having baby as everyone is coming here to see the baby, and that if people found out you are at your mums they gonna think you had an arguement. i used to stay quiet but i made it clear to my husband that i was going and he was okay with it. when she found out i wasnt listening and neither was my husband she started saying it regular and saying esp to my husband that you will need to bond with baby, that shes taking him away from you. then my husband started changing his mind.
after i gave birth my dad rang him saying is it okay if they could take me home and he said yeah she can stay where ever she wants. then in hospital when his mum used to come she would say it again and again and then my husband said that instead of going straight to youre mums after the hospital come home for a week and then you can go and stay for how ever long you want. he said he wanted his aunties to come and see the baby in that week. but then i said what if they dont come that he replied by saying then theyre taking the p**s. so i rang my mum in the hospital toilets and she was upset and said what if they dont let you come- i reassured her that he made a promise and i was allowed.
i had a cesarian and i needed bedrest i was also breastfeeding. when i got there i was told to stay downstairs and to sit on the settee and those setties had broken springs. i couldnt lie down properly as it was very awkward. and i had to breastfeed infront of everyone. the whole of her daughters and their husbands and thier kids and all the sons their wifes and kids used to come and stay there the whole day. there was no room as everyone sat on the 3 small settees and there was so much noise. i could relax and i wasnt lying down i was sat up and i was squashed and really sore. the noise was so much that i couldnt hear the person next to me. i used to look helplessly at my husband and he tried to quiten them but after a few seconds it would start again, then when i did try and sleep upstairs or rest in bed my muminlaw used to complain that i should come down and sit with everyone but i found it difficult. i could not comfortably breastfeed because all her sons and son in laws were there and they never even left the room. so i had no privacy. i used to go upstairs with such difficulty and come down. i used to do this everyday about 6-7 times. i felt bad asking them to help me as they always had a face on.
i had a cesarian and i needed bedrest i was also breastfeeding. when i got there i was told to stay downstairs and to sit on the settee and those setties had broken springs. i couldnt lie down properly as it was very awkward. and i had to breastfeed infront of everyone. the whole of her daughters and their husbands and thier kids and all the sons their wifes and kids used to come and stay there the whole day. there was no room as everyone sat on the 3 small settees and there was so much noise. i could relax and i wasnt lying down i was sat up and i was squashed and really sore. the noise was so much that i couldnt hear the person next to me. i used to look helplessly at my husband and he tried to quiten them but after a few seconds it would start again, then when i did try and sleep upstairs or rest in bed my muminlaw used to complain that i should come down and sit with everyone but i found it difficult. i could not comfortably breastfeed because all her sons and son in laws were there and they never even left the room. so i had no privacy. i used to go upstairs with such difficulty and come down. i used to do this everyday about 6-7 times. i felt bad asking them to help me as they always had a face on.
then on the following saturday my family came and my dad asked again nicely isit okay for us to take our daughter home tomorrow. my m.i.l said yeah u can its up to you. but she said it with a right bitter face everyone was witness to that. my mum said ok we'll take her. so that night they sent my sister inlaw who my m.in.l talks so bad about behind her back to try and convince me to stay but i told her straight that i was made a promise and besides i want to go and i need my rest. she came up with all sorts of sh!t saying the father needs to bond with baby at this time, what will people say, you should go during the day when you are better etc. when she left i bursted into tears and my husband said i could go and not to worry. i told him to promise me that he wont change his attitude towards me when i go he promised. but the next day his mum made a p[lay of having a migrane and went to hospital and they sent her back saying theres nothing wrong with her, she was upstairs in her bedroom all day. then after when she did come back my husband realised i was still going to my mums even after his mum going hospital started getting really awkward and sarcastic. his mood upset me and hurt me so bad that i startd to cry. when i was ready to go he was being really rude to me infront of his family and mine and also at that time we had visitors. i was trying hard to stop crying but could not help it. he completely stopped talking to me and it was killing me. just so that he could cheer up a bit i said ill come back within 4 days, he told me to take the breast pump as he was going to come the next day to take baby home.and that he wasnt going to come inside to my mums house. i quietly did as i was told.
the next day he rang me in the morning at 11 saying if i have the milk ready. i was finding it hard taking the milk out as it was taking forever to express and hardly anything came out. i got baby ready and managed to express 4ounces of milk.
when he came at 3.20 he had a right face on and was still being rude. at this time i was homealone as my mum just rushed off to pick the kids from school. i tried talking to him but he was either nodding his head or giving me one or two worded answer. he didnt even sit downor ask me if i was okay, if baby had been fine etc. instead he told me to hurry up as he was getting late. i told him to bring the baby back home quick as he will need feeding. he said ill bring him when i want.
then when he did leave with baby i cried and cried and cried.
one because he took baby away from me since the day i was pregnant he was never away from me and i really hated the fact he took him. second that he was being really mean to me and all i wanted was his support and affection.
when my mum came back she saw i was in a state and rang my dad to tell him to bring the baby back. i said no let him keep him for a while he'll bring him back soon. by 8 oclock i was feeling sick thinking how baby is and how come he isnt bringing him home, has he finished his milk and if so is he hungry what if they feed him formula milk- my inlaws had formula milk at home as my brother inlaw's mrs also had a baby near my date and she allowed her newborn to stay at her inlaws for hours upon hours. and they wanted to do the same with my baby, but they didnt realise i wasnt like her.
when he came at 3.20 he had a right face on and was still being rude. at this time i was homealone as my mum just rushed off to pick the kids from school. i tried talking to him but he was either nodding his head or giving me one or two worded answer. he didnt even sit downor ask me if i was okay, if baby had been fine etc. instead he told me to hurry up as he was getting late. i told him to bring the baby back home quick as he will need feeding. he said ill bring him when i want.
then when he did leave with baby i cried and cried and cried.
one because he took baby away from me since the day i was pregnant he was never away from me and i really hated the fact he took him. second that he was being really mean to me and all i wanted was his support and affection.
when my mum came back she saw i was in a state and rang my dad to tell him to bring the baby back. i said no let him keep him for a while he'll bring him back soon. by 8 oclock i was feeling sick thinking how baby is and how come he isnt bringing him home, has he finished his milk and if so is he hungry what if they feed him formula milk- my inlaws had formula milk at home as my brother inlaw's mrs also had a baby near my date and she allowed her newborn to stay at her inlaws for hours upon hours. and they wanted to do the same with my baby, but they didnt realise i wasnt like her.
so my dad saw that he was taking his time, he rang him but he wouldnt pick up his phone. then he rang the home phone and his sister picked up. she said that my hubsnad was asleep upstairs. then she woke him up and my dad told him to bring baby now. we waited another hour and a half. my dad was fuming at this point and he took my sister and went to get the baby.
i was panicky as i didnt want another argument or that my husband to start shouting at me through the phone. because the day i was coming to my parents i was crying as he was being really harsh with me,. i told him not to do it and in turn he said dont make a scene when you get there. so i really didnt want him to think i made a scene on purpose.
my dad came back and he was really angry. he said my husbands sister had him and she was feeding him milk and it was my milk. and i started feeling bad because the four ounces lasted 7 hours. my dad said that my husband was upstairs sleeping. (some bonding!!!)
so they did have the argument and my husband said alot of horrible thing to my dad and my dad (i dont know how~) managed to keep his cool, when hes normally quite hot tempered when people start showing him attitude.
so the next day my hubby rang again saying he wanted the baby but i said no. then we got in to a huge argument and he threatend me saying wait till you come home im going to put my foot down and show you what a dick i can be just you watch. then a little while after all the threatening and swearing he asked when i was coming home i said after a week now as he scared me and i didnt want to go back. then he said to me not to come back and if i was to even step foot in his house he was going to break my legs.
i was panicky as i didnt want another argument or that my husband to start shouting at me through the phone. because the day i was coming to my parents i was crying as he was being really harsh with me,. i told him not to do it and in turn he said dont make a scene when you get there. so i really didnt want him to think i made a scene on purpose.
my dad came back and he was really angry. he said my husbands sister had him and she was feeding him milk and it was my milk. and i started feeling bad because the four ounces lasted 7 hours. my dad said that my husband was upstairs sleeping. (some bonding!!!)
so they did have the argument and my husband said alot of horrible thing to my dad and my dad (i dont know how~) managed to keep his cool, when hes normally quite hot tempered when people start showing him attitude.
so the next day my hubby rang again saying he wanted the baby but i said no. then we got in to a huge argument and he threatend me saying wait till you come home im going to put my foot down and show you what a dick i can be just you watch. then a little while after all the threatening and swearing he asked when i was coming home i said after a week now as he scared me and i didnt want to go back. then he said to me not to come back and if i was to even step foot in his house he was going to break my legs.
so basically he yelled at me and i honestly had no energy to argue. then after a couple of weeks of waiting my grandad came from london to help with the matter. he told my husband to apologise and everything will be ok but him and his mum said no why should he he didnt do anything wrong. so my mum asked for the rest of my clothes and passport etc and they brought all the things i got as gifts which where in my sister in laws room and kept my gold , he didnt even give me my clothes or anything.
so that evening i took some of my sisters clothes and went london. that night when i got there i txted him saying i missed him and i loved him but iwant to know if he loved me and that im here for a break. he rang back saying i brought this all upon us, i was the cause of it. and then he rang me in the morining saying ive been thinking and i had a long time to think about it. your attitude hasnt changed and we've had fights before but they werent as bad as this one so you know what were not going to work out. its over! he never contacted me after that.
i tried asking for some maintenance and he said he wasnt taking any responsibility and that because i brought this upon my self i had to look after myself and baby.
so then 7 weeks later i get a call from my mum saying that the solicitors have contacted claiming that i was refusing to let my husband see baby. if he was bothered to see the baby he would have contacted me in all those weeks i stayed in london waiting for him to ring and say sorry but he didnt. so i came back last saturday and i only did this so that he can see baby as im not going to deny him the right but i dont want baby going to that house. as he's only going to take baby to show his mum and sisters because obviously all the kids, auntys and relatives and friends that come want to see the baby ask him about it so i believe he;s only doing this because hes under pressure.
so that evening i took some of my sisters clothes and went london. that night when i got there i txted him saying i missed him and i loved him but iwant to know if he loved me and that im here for a break. he rang back saying i brought this all upon us, i was the cause of it. and then he rang me in the morining saying ive been thinking and i had a long time to think about it. your attitude hasnt changed and we've had fights before but they werent as bad as this one so you know what were not going to work out. its over! he never contacted me after that.
i tried asking for some maintenance and he said he wasnt taking any responsibility and that because i brought this upon my self i had to look after myself and baby.
so then 7 weeks later i get a call from my mum saying that the solicitors have contacted claiming that i was refusing to let my husband see baby. if he was bothered to see the baby he would have contacted me in all those weeks i stayed in london waiting for him to ring and say sorry but he didnt. so i came back last saturday and i only did this so that he can see baby as im not going to deny him the right but i dont want baby going to that house. as he's only going to take baby to show his mum and sisters because obviously all the kids, auntys and relatives and friends that come want to see the baby ask him about it so i believe he;s only doing this because hes under pressure.
so thats my story oh yeh the aunties did not even come that week no body did only his brothers and sisters and their partners and kids.and they just live near my mother inlaw.
now thats what happened. obviously there were other details which i have not included but what i have said is all true whether you believe it or not...x
now thats what happened. obviously there were other details which i have not included but what i have said is all true whether you believe it or not...x
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yummy_mummy, It sounds like you have been through an awful lot. I hope that you have somewhere warm and reliable to stay. Make sure you get all the help you can so you can detach yourself from him. If he insists, once you have seen a lawyer, on seeing said kid make sure it is a supervised visit with someone neutral and somewhere neutral! All the best hun, keep strong because your child needs you more than you think.
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