Is A Good Education Enough?

[chrissa1]

We have given both our children the best education we could afford. Our son went to the best Prep School in our area and got into one of the best fee paying schools also. He had ability but didn't apply himself and therefore didn't get very good GCSE's.
We had our own business and gave him a job in it with the intention of him taking over from my husband when he retired. This didn't work either.
Sadly we lost our business some years ago and things have been tough. My son now has a little girl and a fairly good job, but himself admits that he "mucked up" his life. My husband is in line to win some large orders and so we will be making money again. My son is expecting us to hand over a fairly hefty sum to get rid of his debts.
Does anyone think that we have done enough for him? I'd appreciate your thoughts.

[craft1948]

If your son is grown up with a family of his own he should sort himself out. You and your husband must be of an age where you have to start looking at finances for your retirement.

[sandyRoe]

I can't see how you both could have done more for your son.
These debts, why should he think you would pay them for him? It's about time he grew up.

[Greedyfly]

I think you did what most parents would do. I personally wouldn't bail him out unless the debts he has have come from unfortunate events that he could not control. Even then I would expect the money back when he got sorted.

He had a better education than I did by the sounds of it, if he didn't apply himself then he has only himself to blame.

[ttfn]

generally speaking my answer is yes chrissa. You say he has a fairly good job. As a family man it is time he woke up and put his finances into order. Don't mean to sound blunt or harsh but he won't always have you to look out for him. Now is the time for you and your husband to enjoy your grandchild without having to pay any more of your son's debts.

[bednobs]

hi chrissa, have read your posts before. You had the bailiffs repossess things, yet he expects you to pay his debts? selfish i would say

[society]

"Is A Good Education Enough?" - No, one would still need common sense.


I agree with each of the above comments.

Your husband and you should enjoy what years you both have left, nor spend it taking care of your grown family.

[jno]

you're under no obligation to pay off his debts. It sounds as if you've behaved like good parents; but at some point children grow up and take control of their own lives. You don't say how old he is, but if he has a family of his own, he's responsible for it, not you. You can bequeath it all to him when you die if you want, but till then it's yours, you've earned it, and you should enjoy it.

[Mamyalynne]

I agree with Society about your title question, there are many graduates in the dole queue, you often need contacts and inside knowledge. You offered him both and he went his own way, be glad he's in work and don't bail him out. It's called the school of hard knocks.

[Chaffinch]

A good education is NOT enough. I gave both of my children the best education I could afford. One left Uni (Cambridge) after a year bummed around now has two kids (ok she's 29) and works part time in a call centre!! The other is in her 4th year at Uni studing Vet Med. Hey its there lives, you only do your best!!!!!!!!!!! But their debts are theirs, not yours

[Greedyfly]

The best education I got/still getting is life. I left home at 18 years old, never really did college, left school too early - I made mistakes, which I will rectify soon (uni hopefully). I learned by my mistakes, I am sure one day your son will also.

[Chaffinch]

Studing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is'nt that someting to do with walls???

[Mosaic]

The quality of a person and their life is not just about the money they possess or have spent on them. This is a tenet of most world religions but was also demonstrated empirically in research - summarised in 'The Spirit Level': http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0141032367
?ie=UTF8&tag=theequtru-21&linkCode=as2&camp=1
634&creative=19450&creativeASIN=0141032367">T
he
Spirit Level: Why Equality Is Better For Everyone
Start to talk more with your son about life, the world, what you need vs what you want, what life is for, etc.

[chrissa1]

Thank you all for your replies. My son is 31 this year. I talked to him about Further Education but he said he had to earn money so he couldn't. I then said he could go to college in the evenings and he said that he would never see his little girl doing this.

I agree with you all that he is selfish. He seems to forget the fact that we have to have money to live on for another 20 years or so, (God willing) and that my husband has to work hard to fulfill these orders which will entail him going out to "not very safe parts of the world). The profit in them is to look after us for the future. If we had won £6 million on the Lottery it would be a different matter, but it seems he is just thinking, oh, Mum and Dad have got money again, whoopee.
No, we won't be giving him anything. We "leant" him £900.00 to help him rent his house but when I asked him a few months ago if he could pay us a little of it back, I was told by text that that was a "terible thing to do" as he had a family to look after.
I love him dearly but I think enough is enough.

[looby1914]

He sounds to me very selfish and with a spoilt child attitude

[brenda]

If I had a son like that I think I would shoot myself (only kidding).You and your hubby deserve all the money you are able to earn in these hard financial times (going to get harder by the way). You have done so much for him ,so tell him "no can do", toughen up,and get on with your lives.Just watch out he doesn't grease the stairs-the selfish parasite.

[boxtops]

I think you have to be strong, chrissa, and tell him he's old enough to stand on his own two feet, he has his own responsibilities now. If you lent him the £900 but it's terrible you are asking for it back, then perhaps it's wasnt written down as a loan and repayment agreed - he may be family but you have to be business like about this, particularly as you are self-employed in your own business. Say no - you and your husband have gone without over the years, if you are getting successful now then you would surely be wanting to invest any profits in your own futures /pensions etc (it doesn't sound as if you'll be able to rely on him to help YOU out in your old age). He needs to get real - this sort of "take it at all costs" attitude really sounds selfish.

[tillyh345]

I also agree with everyone else in that I believe the more you gve your children the less they apreciate you as their parent and just see you as bank of mum and dad. We have had the same with our boys, given them everything, one has done very well and is definitely very independent, and the other one has a very immature attitude and we really only see him if he has no money and sometimes no food, and hes 28, thank goodness he doesnt have a family. Still waiting for him to wake up and smell the coffee if you know what I mean....it is very upsetting when we see others that hasnt had half the help he has and they seem to be doing very well without any cash handouts from their parents. You definitely as we have done enough. x

[chrissa1]

Thank you all very much for your input. I shall take your advice.

[clipclop1]

Why does he have such a big chip on his shoulder after the things you have done for him? Very ungrateful! I am 26, didn't do well either on my GCSE's, so I went to college and qualified as a nursery nurse, after a few years I managed to get around the world with this qualification travelling on cruise ships and am now a manager working at home. I also just finished a A-level college course (paid for myself by working two jobs) and am hoping to go to uni next year to do pediatric nursing, aka, making things happen for myself off my own back like he should be doing, yes, help is always nice, but your son needs to wake up and realise that he can't just sit about and wait for something to come YOUR way just so he can benefit out of it (mind you, if he is like this at 31... chances are he is set in his ways and wont realise this and will continue to act like a tortured soul and a victim). Its not fair on you, it sounds like he is making you feel a bit guilty about the situation he has found himself in and YOU SHOULDN'T. He made his own choices and threw things out of the window (and decided to bring a child into the equation before having a semi decent job to provide for this child), yes, because of the way you brought him up, you have probably made him behave in this manner... but still, from very young I was given a lot of things and provided for but i was always aware and VERY appreciative of what my parents did for me and realised MYSELF what I needed to do to be able to live a comfortable life and buy myself a nice house etc in the future...
Try not to feel guilty, you shouldn't, its just a shame that your son is probably going to learn this important lesson at a very late stage in life when he could be doing things NOW to make sure he and his family are comfortable in the future... If he ever asks again, just calmly say no and keep away from specifics as this will probably ignite an argument which wont do either of you any good.

[chrissa1]

Thank you clipclop and good for you, taking control of your own life and obviously working hard to achieve your goals finally. Yes, my son is going to have to stand on his own two feet now I think. As I said before, enough is enough. Cheers.