Any advice?

[CAJ1]

I have recently started talking to my Dad via email after 10 years of not speaking to him. He is a bit of an idiot and I don't really want anything to do with him, I've given him a few chances and he's screwed it up every time.

How do I tell him that I don't want a relationship with him? I'm one of those people who if I tell him, I know I will feel bad and guilty. He's really not good for my health though and I need him out of my life with minimal fuss!

Any advice?

[237SJ]

Why have you started talking to him if you don`t want a relationship with him? What would be the point of that? Could you just have a relationship with him on your terms? (ie. minimal contact but just enough contact to make sure he`s ok)

[CAJ1]

I thought I could forgive him for things that happened in the past 237SJ, he found me via facebook and I added him on there after much consideration. I thought maybe we could work things out but I don't think we can.

Trouble is, he thinks every thing is hunky dory whereas I can't believe some of the stuff he says to me. Examples being not knowing my birth date, and upon being told forgetting about a month later when it was my birthday. Telling me I was to blame for things that happened when I was a child. Telling me that my Mum doesn't want to know me and didn't take any photos of me when she left (did I really need to know that?). The latest is that he's marrying a woman from the Phillipines who he has never met and will be flying her and her 4 daughters over for their wedding yet he's not offered me any assistance for my wedding. This is only a handful of things from a big list.

To be honest, I don't really want to hear from him at all because all he does is send me emails that far from make me happy.

[CAJ1]

Thats a good point onetoomany, maybe I do care about him because he is my Dad and I'm meant to but feel I would be better not having him in my life. I think your suggestion is a good one, it puts the responsibility on him and if he doesn't shape up its his own fault

[weas]

tell him, for your own self, you must emotionally protect yourself,so you will do things on your terms, when you feel able.
that will stall him
take care

[237SJ]

Your story reminds me of the relationship between my oldest friend and her parents. Her mum is dead now but her parents were so horrible to her and she tried to help them. Her mother was an alcoholic (which eventually killed her) and my friend was an only child. My mum used to say her parents never wanted her but I don`t know how true that was. When she was older and could understand her parents` issues she fell out with them. Eighteen months later she bumped into them and they got talking. My friend saw them again but made it absolutely clear it would be on her terms and she wouldn`t take any nonsense from them. That seemed to work for them and they had a good relationship until her mum died. Maybe you could work something out with your dad. He doesn`t sound half as hard as my friend`s dad was.

[CAJ1]

Thanks weas, I think that would be worth a try. The worst bit about this is that I feel bad about doing this but I think once I do it he'll just say something along the lines of thats fine, have a nice life. Why do I worry about him when I'm 95% certain that is what he'll do?

[CAJ1]

I wonder why we feel inclined to help them/have a relationship with them when they treat us badly 237SJ. I think the only was forward other than leaving him out of my life is to put my foot down. Not sure if I feel bad because last time I saw him I was a child and the ball is now on the other foot and I can now tell him I'm an adult and won't put up with his behaviour

[237SJ]

I don`t know CAJ1. I suppose my friend`s situation is that she had always had her parents in her life. I`m not trying to judge but I think you just have to do what you think is right to help them. Beyond that you have no reason to feel guilty because you have done everything you could for them/him.

[CAJ1]

Its just knowing how much to try and help them and when to draw the line and say enough is enough. I think I might tell him to wise up or otherwise we can't have a relationship because I'm not getting anything beneficial from it. You're right, I don't have anything to feel guilty about :)

[JonnyBoy12]

You do not have to tell him this, as it would hurt his feelings a lot. You do not still live at home any more, so you could just write or email every so often. After children have left home then they do not have much contact anyway so you could just be distantly polite.

I would not say you want him out of your life all together. If it were not for him then you would not exist at all! Have you ever heard that one before?

[CAJ1]

I don't know that it would JonnyBoy, he gave me up when I was younger and I was fostered...he seemed to find that easy enough and didn't think of my feelings. You might have commented on one of my posts before I think.

I have heard that one before and its very true!

[CAJ1]

Thanks for the advice last night. I've not decided fully what to do yet but your suggestions were very helpful :)

[chelle7272]

CAJ, perhaps you fel bad and guilty becuase you would really like and want o have a relationship with him but his behaviour prohibits that.
Telling him you don't want anything to do with him may be painful, but you are being hurt now everytime he lets you down, says hurtful things or just isn't who you would wish him to be.
Weas advise is good I think, perhaps just tell him to back off until you are mroe sure about how you want to take things forward.
best wishes with what you decide.

[annie0000]

I think that the key to this is that he thinks everything is hunky dory and you don't. I genuinley think that he is not aware that what he is doing upsets you. You haven't been in his life for a long time and I don't think he actually knows how to be a parent. It may be difficult for that to kick in when actually what he has is not a daughter but a grown up friend. It's a bit like meeting a new friend and not remembering that it was their birthday.He probably doesn't see that as a big deal and unless you tell him, he never will.

I think a bit of honest dialog is what is called for if you want to remain in touch with him. I would point out to him the things that upset you, but not in a nasty way and not in a blaming way either, be honest about what you would like your relationship to look like and give him the opportunity to agree, to try or not as the case may be. It looks like he took the first step so it may be that he does want to have a relationship but needs some guidance from you on what that relationship will be.

[CAJ1]

Thanks chelle & annie, you both give great advice.

I was having a think and I think I feel bad because he has told me so much bad stuff that I feel sorry for him (like his mum has had 4 ops and is on her death bed, his dad has had a stroke and is in a home, he feels like there's nothing more in life for him, he's so sad that my mum left etc). I think I feel like I am the one thing in his life and feel bad for taking that away.

Also...does anyone else find it weird that he is marrying a woman he has never met before and only talked to online?

[chelle7272]

Yes I do find it weird but a lot of people do it, particularly when they get older and are lonely. My cousin did the same and is regretting it now as she gambles all his money and leaves him to look after her sons who are fast becoming criminals!

While you may find it strange it's probably best not to day that to him.
Only you can decide of course, but feeling sorry for him is not in my opinion a good reason to carry on being hurt yourself (been there, done that, didn't get any better)

You do have to think of yourself first. perhaps you could talk to him as annie suggested, great advice there.

[Jemisa]

I sugest you copy & paste your post & send it to him. - Job done.

Jem

[CAJ1]

I suppose its not my place to comment on his love life chelle, its just frustrating that he never bothered with me but will put in so much effort with strangers! My other half says the same as you and says there is no point in feeling sorry for him and putting up with being hurt. He actually thinks my dad has made me feel sorry for him on purpose.

Thats not a bad idea Jem!

[chelle7272]

CAJ I think your other half may be right, some people will always play the victim and therefore avoid taking responsibility for anything. Most of us have had some some crap in our lives but we can't keep blaming everone and everything else.

perhaps jem's idea of writing to him is a good way to go?