Giving up all hope :(

[lorla]

Hubbie and I have now been trying for a baby for 20 months with no success. We have both been 'tested' and there is nothing wrong with either so it's very odd. I have managed to remain positive for the most part but really feel like I can't go on for much longer, my patience is wearing thin and I feel like giving up. My dilema is this - I am a firm believer in positive thinking, it's what's got me through this horrible ordeal but after month and months of disappointing I have realised that actually the worst part is feeling so positive is that I manage to convince myself every single month that we have done it, that I'm pregnant....and then when I'm not, the come down is horrific and I fall to pieces. I feel now that if I didn't feel so positive each month, I wouldn't feel so awful when it's yet another 'no'. I feel lost, if I haven't got my positive thinking, what have I got?

[andy-hughes]

I feel so much for you lorla.

The sheer injustice of a world in which people like you are desparate for a baby, and unable to conceive, surrounded by people who become pregnant unwillingly, with no apparent effort at all.

I can only hope that nature will take its course, and that your continued sadness will not prevent you from carrying trying.

Children are a gift, and they are not given to everyone, which is a very hard fact to accept when you are not able to receive that gift yourself.

I hope that you can learn to see yourself as a wonderful kind sensitive valuable woman, and not in terms of any perceived 'failure' to conceive a child.

Please stay positive about yourself for yourself, and not simply because it gets you through this terrible hard time.

[woofgang]

This is going to sound harsh but don't you think it might be time for a reality check?
Point one is that 20 months isn't that long, although it may seem so to you.
Point two is that neither of you were put on this earth simply to make babies. Most of us in this life have things that we REALLY REALLY want that we aren't going to get and we have to learn to live with it.
As someone who has been where you are and can now look back on an idyllic 36 year childless marriage, I would say don't waste your lives...enjoy loads of sex by all means but get your lives back and enjoy all the rest of what life and happily married life has to offer.
....You never know, once the pressure is off, things may happen naturally, I understand that this is often the case, although not for us.
Again sorry for the plain speaking i do not intend to offend.

[bednobs]

i think as to whether 20 months is a long time will depend on how old you are - at 25 it's nothing, at 35 it's worrying and at 45 it's disasterous!

[bednobs]

ps i agree with woofgang to a degree about taking pressure off of yourself. Also, have you BOTH done everything that you can to increase your chances? (not overweight, not smoking, not getting bladdered?)
Have you been to the fertility clinic?
Have you considered IVF?

[Sqad]

woofgang and bednobs are correct..............there is no philosophical aspect to your problem........stop making it a "big deal" and you may well become pregnant.

[LoftyLottie]

20 months really isn't very long lorla. I would suggest that you get involved with something that really interests you and try to forget about babies and families and enjoy what you have in your life already. You might well find that you get pregnant when you stop making it such an issue. It is often the case. And if it doesn't happen, and you really want children - there are a lot of little kids (not babies) that really need loving parents to foster or adopt them.

[redcrx]

perhaps you do need to "give up", but when i say that i mean give up on the pressure that youre putting yourselves under.
Many couples find that when they relax more and sex isnt just about baby making and they are just enjoying thier life as a couple that things happen naturally when they least expect it.
As you say, there have been no issues found so perhaps it is all down to stress.

[LoftyLottie]

Sqad and I agree :o)

[ummmm]

If I were you I'd give up. Stop trying. I've often read about people falling pregnant once they've taken the pressure off.

[andy-hughes]

woofgang - yes, it does sound harsh!

I am sure that lorla is perfectly able to rationalise the situation, and to try and rationalise the fact that she may never be able to have a baby.

But we are not talking 'rational' here - we are talking a woman who's biological imperative is deafening her, and making it hard, if not impossible for her to think in terms of anything else.

So yes, it would be great for her to he able to 'take it as it comes' and concentrate on other aspects of her life, and i would bet a gold pig that she spends her waking hours trying to do just that - and failing.

I think lorla has come on here for a little support from anonymous friends, when she feels that maybe she has exhuasted support from those around her, and feels unable to reiterate the terrible void she feels because of her lack of conception.

She doesn't need to be told to 'pull herself together' (or words to that effect!) - she needs to feel that people understand and feel for her.

So let's try a little of that shall we?

[Sqad]

andy....the bottom line....does she want to become pregnant or NOT.

You have told her how to deal with her doubts and we have told her the best way to become pregnant.

[ethandron]

well said andy, you put into words exactly what i was thinking.
keep your chin up, lorla :)

[lorla]

Thanks so much for your words andy-hughes - I got a bit choked reading them! I know I need to get my positive head back on, just finding it tough this month. You never know it could happen this month right :)

Wow woofgang - I found that incredibly harsh and perhaps a bit uneccessary. I beg to differ, 20 months IS a long time for us. My husband and I are responsible adults who made conscious changes when we started to try for a family (interms of lifestyle, spending, career etc) so 20 months later, to have not moved forward is frustrating and actually feels like a lifetime. In response to your 2nd point I never suggested that having a baby was the only reason we were put on this earth and I think it's a bit far fetched - for us a baby would be another piece to the jigsaw of our life together. You make me feel like I'm wrong to want such a thing but I think you'll find many couples want to have a baby together?

I'm truly sorry that you were not successful in your effort to have children.

[annie0000]

Having been in a similar postion, when we found out that there was nothing wrong, we went out to celebrate and I got a bit drunk (I hadn't been drinking at all for months) and the result was that I was pregnant the next month. As they say, once you take the pressure of yourself and relax it seems to happen.

Also, don't get up and go to the loo straight after sex, try to stay in bed and let they "guys" get where they need to go!

[andy-hughes]

sqad - I did not 'tell' lorla how to deal with anything, I attempted to sympathise and empathise as far as possible, which is inadequate as a man, but offered anyway.

Your point that " ...'we' told her the best way to become pregnant ..." is flippant, and offensive, I would suggest that lorla is perfectly well versed in the machinations of concption, and does not require a biology lesson from the Answerbank.

[smudge]

Our eldest daughter & son-in-law were trying for a baby for much longer than 20 months lorla, so you may need to be a little more patient - difficult I know.

They both had lots of tests, but nothing sinister was found, only that my daughter didn't produce enough eggs. She was given the drug Clomid & eventually became pregnant at the age of 34. She gave birth to two little girls - 3 years apart, but both on 4 Dec & they were truly worth waiting for.

There's always a silver lining & I'm sure your time will come......♥

[LoftyLottie]

We only told her to relax about it all, Andy. we didn't say anything about the mechanics. We wouldn't presume to!!

[LoftyLottie]

Clomid worked for me Smudge. We were only about 10 months trying but I was getting old!!!

[lorla]

Oh crickey - there were only 2 responses when I drafted my message back!

Again thanks andy-huges, incredible, you totally get it, I feel like you're reading my mind. Thanks so much for your support.

The fact is I am usually very upbeat, perhaps the unhappy tone of my message means that you didn't read and digest the fact that I am a firm believer in positive thinking, I really feel excited each month as I feel sure we must have done it this month. My post was that I'm starting to lose it after so long, and for US, it is a long time.

Yes we have been sensible, we have made lifetsyle changes to make sure we're in tip top condition, I have never monitored my temp, I don't count for my most fertile day anymore, we just go with the flow these days and enjoy all the sex ;)

andy-huges seems to totally understand that asking someone whose trying to make a baby to just forget about it for a while, is unrealistic. I wish it were that straightforward and it was somehting I could forget about it. Even if I could, I am asked on at least a montly basis when hubbie and I will have kids, I don't think I could get away from the baby making subject even if I wanted to.

[Sqad]

Andy

<<<<<.'we' told her the best way to become pregnant ..<<<

Yes....I presume that she does know the mechanics but I was giving her my opinion in how to deal with her problems which would end in a pregnancy...the being the object.

It concerns me not that you consider my advice "flippant and offensive" like other posters, I believe that is the right advice for the end result....PREGNANCY.