Oh Thinks He's Ok

[jourdain2]

Right, you all probably know that MrJ2 was emergency ambulanced into hospital on 16/12 last year with v. serious pneumonia (he is 91).  They then messed-up a catheter so he'd to be emergency ambulanced to York to sort it out. In other words he's been pretty poorly and, at Christmas, things were touch-and-go. He's registered as 'Frail' on the scale.

I finally got him home (no care package, 'cos no carer would come out this far) a few weeks ago. I am pretty much exhausted.  I organised a Lifeline call system with the L.A. so I could go out.  It was free for 6 weeks. 

Now it needs to start being payed for in about 10 days - he is balking!  I know that £30 a month is a lot of money,  doesbut he reckons he is fine and doesn't need it!  Believe me, he does.  He has low blood pressure as well as other things and if he stands up carelessly (which he does) he is liable to fall - which he has done.

Should I contact the Surgery and ask someone to hammer it into him that he needs a safety-line?  I've explained that I wouldn't feel able to get out if he didn't have an alarm, but he says he's fine and was OK this morning wasn't he?  

Yes, but he went for a nap and had the alarm!!!!!!!

Is it a general 'MEN!!' or what?  Any advice to get this through to him please. He's convinced he's OK - he isn't.

 

[DDIL]

Is he claiming attendance allowance because that would more than cover the £30

[jourdain2]

No DDIL, but I've arranged for someone at the surgery to come along and help him to comlete the forms.  We tried a couple of years ago, but he was rejected - I don't know why, but I'm told you need to know exactly what to say.  We get no help whatsoever.

[jourdain2]

^^ I've told him that, but I think he thinks he'll be rejected again.   Now telling me that I'm enjoying making myself a martyr by saying I can't go out unless he's covered.  I'm making allowances..........

[DDIL]

Strange that you were rejected, but glad you have someone helping you fill them in even if you get the lower rate it's £80 a week 

You can do it online too for some reason I can no longer do links from my phone but hopefully someone will post a link to the form for you 

[jourdain2]

Thanks DDIL.  Waiting for the lady to get the form and come to visit.

[DDIL]

You could try the guilt trip 'how could I live with myself if something happened to you whilst I was off enjoying myself'

or

We are getting it end of story and just put your foot down 

[Canary42]

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance/how-to-claim

 

.  

 

[Buenchico]

^^^ Attendance Allowance isn't payable for the first 6 months of the care period.  So, unless Mr J2 needed care before the events of December, he won't qualify for the allowance yet:
https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance/eligibility

Age UK's alarms might work out a bit cheaper than the ones used by your local authority (especially if Mr J2 will be exempt from the VAT element):
https://www.ageuk.org.uk/products/mobility-and-independence-at-home/personal-alarms/

It might also be worthwhile calling Age UK's helpline to see if they can offer support in the matter of convincing Mr J2 that he needs to have an alarm: 0800 678 1602 (0800-1900 daily).

[jourdain2]

I offered to pay for it myself (it would hurt the Finances, but still) and that was what brought forth the ' martyr' comment.  He just insists he's OK - he isn't.

[DDIL]

It sounds like Mr J has been eligible for a while and the dr can provide a letter to say so.

That what my family member did 

[Canary42]

Similar case, but different malady, occurred with my sister-in-law's dementia.  She (naturally) refused to recognise it, and the GP's advice to my brother was,"This is one of those unfortunate cases where you just have to wait for the inevitable crisis to sort it out".

 

[jourdain2]

Thanks so much, Buen and DDIL.  He probably has been eligible for ages, but until now we've somehow coped. 

We live in a tiny village with 2 buses a week, neither of which goes near the surgery.  I've now got a Blue Badge after my broken hip surgery last year, which helps. 

DDIL - I've tried the 'How could I live with myself' line - it brought forth the 'martyr' comment.

I hadn't thought about Age UK, Buen.  Might be worth it as a last resort - he'd be furious though.  He went through being a war evacuee, returned to London  to experience the V1's and V2's, joined Merchant navy at 16, left as a navigator when 21 , sailed a tramp steamer to Africa, then did 2 yrs National Service marching up and down the Iron Curtain in Germany - and has, generally survived everything life has thrown at him.

To get him to accept that now he needs help is hard, believe me.

I'm grateful for the suggestions. xx

[seekeerz]

Jourdain, you have my sympathy and yes, to a larger degree it is MEN !! Losing their independence as they age seems to become a red rag to a bull and trying to convince them that taking sensible steps to alleviate problems .....been there, done that, etc.

My husband developed sleep apnea years ago ...I bullied him into going to the dr, having listened to the scary breaks in breathing ....yes it was confirmed...would he do anything about it ....no, it cost too much and he didn't have it anyway. Pigheaded wasn't the word for it, so any outside help to get the picture through would hopefully help. A big hug to you ❤️‍🩹

 

[jourdain2]

Thanks, seekers  - we've had the sleep apnoeia thing too.  He just took the equipment back to the hospital and left it with them.  :(

[barry1010]

I feel for you. Tell him you know he doesn't the Lifeline - but you do for your peace of mind.  

[wolf63]

Tell him that it is either the alarm or you will have to get someone (babysitter?) in to keep an eye on him so that you can go out.

[Smowball]

Jourdain, you have all my sympathy, it sounds a very difficult situation if he is insisting he doesn't need it, but if I were you I would just do it anyway whether he agreed or not. You're the one who is going to have to deal with a crisis and you need it for support x

[Old_Geezer]

Good luck with it all.

 

I can imagine it hits harder when your culture has put the role of provider & protector (etc.) on you all your life, and suddenly you're expected to play the helpless victim. Although difficult for all, that just adds to the mental anguish and loss of self image.

 

Yeah, Chris' suggest seems worth a shot, and maybe combine with DDIL's 2 practical attitude suggestions.  It's as much for you as it is for him, so ultimately he'll want to make you less stressed.

[jourdain2]

Thank you, all of  you, for your understanding and helpful suggestions. xx

[albaqwerty]

You have my sympathy.

Do you have a close friend/relative who could have a quiet but very firm word with him about his selfishness?

Tell him the next time he falls, you're leaving him there?

I have no idea why they are utterly stubborn, when they're not, men can be quite lovable :))