They Keep Coming

[Rondy]

Got some laxatives from the local chemist,
I'm now one of their more regular customers.

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There is a website for women drivers, it keeps on crashing though.

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ME: "I saw this couple making love on the common."
MATE: "Clapham?"
ME: "No, they didn't need any encouragement from me."

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I just saw a leopard in Argos trying to exchange some saucepans but they told him a leopard couldn't change his pots.

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So the Movember moustache was finally shaved off at midnight last night
Thank goodness for that!
The wife was starting to look like Tom Selleck..

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Paddy says to the doctor: “Doc, I'm worried, I swallowed an ice cube 3 days ago and it ain’t come out yet.”

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Your vet won't tell you this, but if your dog is running a fever, get some mustard.
It's the best thing for a hot dog.

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I got sacked last night from the Salvation army's soup kitchen. All I said was "Hurry up, some of us have got homes to go to."

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I Can Take A Hint..
The wife keeps hinting she would like something in Silk for Christmas.
But no doubt this tin of emulsion will be in the wrong flipping colour.

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I said to the manager of Tescos “ I want to make a complaint, this vinegar has lumps in it “
He said “ Sir, they are Pickled Onions “

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At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole."Are you a pole vaulter?"
"No, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

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Jesus went to the travel lodge and put some nails on the counter....he then asks the receptionist if they could put him up for the night.

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[Patsy33]

Some good ones there! 😆😅

[Canary42]

Number 2 is a bit controversial 😮

[bookbinder]

Well, I liked the Salvation Army joke!

[albaqwerty]

A good selection. Cheers!

[zebo]

The Salvation Army joke used to be about a man phoning them and asking

Is it true that you save fallen women?

We do our best Sir

Good, will you save one for me on Saturday

 

Probably not allowed these days!