The Weather Wreaks Havoc In Spain
News3 mins ago
I've cut down on my drinking. I now have one large dram before bed.
Last night l went to bed 6 times.
___
I got the job of senior director at old MacDonald's farm
I'm now the CiEiO.
___
Me: “Who is the most handsome man in the world?”
Wife: “Ewan McGregor”
Me: “Thank you but you can just pick one”
___
I was talking to a nurse the other day, she said the problem with the world today is Holby City.
On second thoughts she might have said obesity.
___
Paddy & Murphy are doing the crossword puzzle.
Paddy asks: "How do you spell paint?"
Murphy replies: "It depends, what colour?"
___
My mate said he toured round the north of France this summer and raised money by doing Star Trek impressions.
I said, "Dunkirk?".
He said, "Yeah, I did them all."
___
My wife had just gone into labour.
NURSE: "Have you considered Epidural Anaesthesia?"
ME: "It's OK, we've already chosen a name."
___
This chef on TV just said, "Where there's fat, there's flavour."
I know he means food, but I still took it as a compliment.
___
We have to thank that clever man for inventing electricity,
otherwise we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
___
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of getting a Labrador."
"Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind."
___
I got a rash from using a can of adhesive.
I guess I must be glue tin intolerant.
___
A shop assistant tried stopping an armed robber by attacking him with a labelling gun. Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head..
___
My American friend asked me if I had ever been abroad?
I said: "No, I've always been a fella!"
___
No best answer has yet been selected by Rondy. Once a best answer has been selected, it will be shown here.
For more on marking an answer as the "Best Answer", please visit our FAQ.