Is This Morally Right?

[renegadefm]

Ok long story, but I will try and make it as short as I can. 

 

Since Dad died in November my sister, my partner and myself have all been pulling together to baby sit Mum, as shes 90, has slight dementia, so needs someone with her day and night. 

 

There has been some nights Mum's cleaning lady has even offered to sleep there at night for £40 a night, but thats all she does, she turns up at 9 o'clock at night and is gone again at 8.30am.

So someone has to sit with Mum until 9 o'clock in the evening, so it dawned on my partner one day, hold on, if I'm here until 9 o'clock, I might aswell sleep here the night, as the evening is mucked up anyway. 

 

So she offered to sleep at Mums for £25 a night, which obviously includes to be there during the day aswell. And it wouldn't be every night anyway.

 

At first my sister was ok about it, but contacted me today, and said I been thinking about Mum having to pay my partner to stay at night, but shouldn't she be doing that out of kindness?

 

So I replied and said well technically shes only my partner, surely doing that at a much lower rate is saving Mum money in the long run, rather than paying the cleaner £40 for literally just sleeping there.

 

But somehow sister is now uncomfortable about it. Who is right or wrong here?  I tent to agree with partner as its good of her to give up so much time. 

[albaqwerty]

Hmmmm, leaving the morals to one side, is she your life partner or your business partner?

Seems a very cold state of affairs imo.

[THECORBYLOON]

Your partner is okay being with your mum during the day for no money but wants to be paid for staying the night?

How did she arrive at the £25 figure?

[barry1010]

Who will be looking after your daughter whilst you are at work and your partner is sleeping at your mother's? I believe your mum lives a good distance away

 

[Old_Geezer]

Neither is right or wrong. It's about discussing the best options and agreeing.

 

Seems to me all blood relatives (i.e. offspring) have an equal responsibility. Whether all cover out of duty an equal amount each, or decide to pay between them whoever to take additional shifts and give a break to all, is down to them.

 

In addition if one takes it upon themselves to pay another to do their shift, that would be down to them to cover financially, individually.

[DDIL]

Isn't she the mother of your mothers grandchild.

its seems a bit mercenary to me, but doesn't surprise me considering what you have posted in the past about your mother's estate.

[renegadefm]

Ok trying to answer 3 questions at once. 

My partner is my partner of 10 years, shes not a business partner. 

She came up with the reduced rate of £25 compared to paying the cleaner £40 just to not charge as much.

The problem as I explained, is when the cleaner stays with Mum its only from 9pm until 8.30am. 

But my partner has Mum during the day aswell as sleeping at Mums. 

Our daughter is normally at school during the day, and if I'm working daughter is at Mums with my partner. 

Mum lives exactly a mile from us, but 45 minutes in a car away from my sister. 

This whole thing about partner offering to offer sleeping at night with Mum for a reduced fee came about due to hiring the cleaner to do a sleepover isn't value for money, as it typically means someone normally partner has to sit with Mum until 9pm so the whole evening is mucked up anyway. 

As I said my sister was fine about it at first because it meant not having to hire the cleaner to sleep at Mums, but shes obviously had a change of heart, and feels my partner should do it as an act of kindness. 

Obviously I am torn in what to think hence why I am reaching out for independent opinions. 

Bare in mind the charging Mum thing isn't just for the sleepovers, she has Mum during the day aswell. 

Also bare in mind my Mum isn't partners Mum. 

Is sister correct to feel like my partner is fleecing my Mum, as I don't see it that way. 

If anything I feel more awkward about having to hire Mums cleaner to do sleepovers. 

 

Whos right here? 

[barry1010]

Would your partner be able to claim Carers Allowance? Has she looked in to it? 

The cleaner was charging a very low rate, well below minimum wage. 

Maybe your sister should step up and look after her mother if she begrudges her paying for her care.

[renegadefm]

Old_Geezer, 

So given neither is right or wrong, should sister just have kept quiet, because its upset my partner and made her feel guilty about charging Mum, when her idea was actually to save Mum money by not paying the cleaner a higher rate. Her intentions we're to help not fleece Mum. 

We obviously don't have any other family members to turn to. 

[renegadefm]

barry1010, 

Thanks Barry, but partner is actually a full time carer for someone else, so she can't claim carers allowance twice. 

Well actually your not the first to say, if sister doesn't like it, she should step up, but sister works full time in a hospital as a secretary. 

Collectively it seems a mixed bag of opinions at the moment. 

It doesn't seem a clear cut yes or no thing. 

[douglas9401]

What do you charge for hospital visits? Please include loading for fuel, wear and tear etc.

[DDIL]

Does your mother get attendance allowance and reduced or nil council tax?

[DDIL]

If your partner is a full time carer for someone else how is she at your mothers during the day?

[albaqwerty]

It never looks nice if/when family charges family.

You're a mile away, does mum have 2 extra bedrooms? Would make more sense for you all to move into mums.

I know on a different thread that is wouldn't be feasible but I  think it'd work.

[renegadefm]

DDIL, 

Trust me it wasn't partners idea to fleece my Mum, I wouldn't have agreed to it if I felt that. 

It was actually her intention to save Mum money by not paying the cleaner £40 a night which literally is just sleeping there.

So partner offered to take her place for £25, but she does much more than just sleep there, she prepares Mum meals, actually cooked Mum roast chicken this tea time.

But now feels ashamed after sister dropped this bombshell. 

[Old_Geezer]

I think it's ok to bring things up, especially if not settled beforehand. I guess it depends how it is. It's unfortunate anyone feels bad about things but the faster an agreement is found the sooner it is in the past and not an issue going forward.

[renegadefm]

albaqwerty, 

Its a four bedroom house, so no shortage of that. 

But it won't work as we have lots of pets in our house, and 2 dogs that need regular attention. Plus Mum doesn't like them. 

Plus I work shift work, so if I am on night shift I am obviously not with Mum and partner leave Mum at 6am to start her day. 

We obviously looked into this but staying at Mums permanently just wont work. 

 

[barry1010]

I wouldn't charge but in different circumstances I might - if I had to give up my job to do it and needed the money 

[Tilly2]

How is your partner a full time carer for someone else?

[renegadefm]

DDIL, 

The guy my partner cares for doesn't need 24/7 care, she just takes him breakfast, also takes him to doctors /hospital visits etc. Shes basically on call with him 24/7 but doesn't physically need to be with him. 

[DDIL]

Hmmmm