Am i being petty..??

[JoAnnMul]

I have 2 boys aged 9 & 4.My mum has always fussed the eldest most,he gets the better presents,he gets to have sleep overs,its always upset me but i excepted it.But i think its gone a bit far now.My eldest had been staying with my mum for 2 weeks,On the monday of the 3rd week she brought him home to collect his bike saying he would be back home on Saturday,when they were leaving my little 1 cried his heart out to go with them but my mum said he couldn't that day but promised to collect him the next day.She never mentioned it again & neither did i until Friday,but she made an excuse said she would have him Sat but same thing happened.Anyway my eldest came home Monday just gone..Mum rang me today to say she's going on holiday next week could she bring my eldest i said no that i would wait till i can afford for all 3 of us to go away.I've explained this to my eldest & he is ok but am i being petty..??

[woofgang]

No I don't think so. Its time to sit down and do some straight private talking to your mum!!

[gilby]

out of order!!! i think its very selfish to exclude the youngest. i bet he is thinking 'what the hell have i done wrong'.

[blueeyedlass]

i dont think you are being petty at all, i really dont think its fair for parents or grandparents to ever show favourtism(*spelling) surely this can then cause a lot of trouble between your two lads. i think id explain to your mum that she has two grandsons and whats good for one is good for the other.

[the>one]

 ditto..ditto..ditto with all the above, sorry but she is out of order..........also in a few years your eldest will be to busy playing with his mates to bother with his gran.....then her attention will turn to your youngest which would be unfare!! 

[JoAnnMul]

Thank you all I really was thinking was I spiteing my eldest by saying no..Believe me i have tried to talk to her numerous times she's full of excuses & always tells me i'm being daft that she loves them both the same.Dont think she realising actions speak louder than words.The youngest is already reacting to it..He always answers the phone & i have a right game to get it from him,but when my mum phones he hands me the phone straight away.Again thank you all i feel a little better now

[dothawkes]

Hi JoAnn

I don't think you are being petty but (being a Nanny myself to my six year old Grandson) a nine year old is alot easier to look after than a 4 year old, 4 year olds have to be helped with so much more.  It could just be that your mum has had her fill of small children over the years and enjoys having a grandson she can look after without too much looking after, if you know what I mean. 

Small children can be hard work and tiring, and the old adage, 'Love having them but it's great to give them back' is very true!  Maybe when the younger one is older he can have the visits as his treat, and your older one will be too old and not want to go.

My Mum used to love my three but all at once it used to wear her out, not to mention all the extra food and cooking!  I think they all stayed with her once, and she brought them back the next day as they had not let her watch Countdown the night before!

[Mrs_Pegasus]

If its any consolation I have the same problem with my mum!  I have a very nice little daughter who is 6 and my sister has a charming lad who is just 8 weeks younger than her.  My mum is so blatant with her favourtism towards my D to the point its embarassing and awkward because my sister can see it - in fact you would have to be pretty dim to see it!

I have spoken with my mum loads of times about it.  My D is a charming lass and maybe my sisters little boy is not so but that doesnt take away the fact he is well mannered and never plays up unlike D who can be a little madam at times.

You can talk but if the seed is planted then there is nothing you can do about the affection she shows to the one.  However, you can stop these 'special' times and simply refuse unless she has both and then monitor the situation.

Good luck  xxxx

[Peri]

No JoAnn you are not being petty.  My mother would favour my son over my daughters and it gets my back up.  I know what dot is saying about little ones being harder work, of course they are - but dot you sound like a very caring nanny so a question for you - would you do it.

[JoAnnMul]

thank you all so much it was only when i was writing earlier & my eyes were filling up that i realised just how much it is hurting me.my boys are my stars they are totally different from each other..but the laughs & good times they give me are uncountable(is that a word.?)so it breaks my heart that anyone let alone my own mum could treat 1 different to the other..they have different dads neither of them are around anymore but my mum truely hated my youngest sons dad,I sometimes wonder could this be a factor.?Although when we all visit my mum's she is constantly kissing & cuddling my youngest which then makes me think maybe it is just the fact he's harder to look after for her.But that doesn't explain the presents my eldest gets bikes & computers etc..my youngest..an outfit...when i asked her she has said that "the eldest can pass his down" I was brought up as an only child so dont know but surely a life of hand-me-downs cant be good..? I could go on & on..I hadn't quite realised how much it does upset me but thanks all you've been a comfort.x.

[jno]

I grew up with hand-me-downs - this was a long time ago - and it wasn't so psychically shattering, though it may be more unusual now that everybody wants everything brand new and brand named. But I think your mum's just making excuses (I suspect you may be right about her hating the younger one's father). Anyway, your own duty, as you obviously realise, is to your kids rather than your parents - they're your kids not hers, and you decide what's right. Mothering is never petty; kids learn from their parents in big things and small. Stick to your guns. Good luck, you sound like a great mum yourself.

[maxd]

I agree with what everyone else is saying, you are absolutely right to be concerned.  This happened within my family, one of my cousins was treated like royalty by another aunt and uncle while her younger sister was pretty much ignored.  The resentment I know the younger sister still feels over 20 years later suggests to me that you really need to take action now to prevent a lifetime of simmering resentment and conflict between your sons.  Their welfare has to be your priority.  On the subject of hand-me-downs, while jno is right that they're not the end of the world (and I know I was always thrilled to get stuff from my older therefore cooler cousins) your younger son is bound to wonder why his brother gets new things and he doesn't, and no-one would blame him for being angry and upset about that.  I think you need to talk to your mum again and let her know that her behaviour has got to change.  I can understand that as a single mum you're glad of her support but the long-term damage she's doing isn't a tolerable payoff.

Good luck.    

[shaz-rla]

JoAnn, it must be very hard for you, agree with everyone, you must have a chat with your mother and even if she can't take him out overnight surely she could take him somewhere special for the day, even a picnic at the local park with a ball or something.  Even if she disliked his father (he is your son too) she must make the effort with him.  Good luck and hopefully you will get it resolved sooner for the sake of the whole family.

[verong]

No you are not being petty at all!

The only thing I can say in your Mum's defence is that the 9 year old is a little easier to look after. 

 

Stand your ground and let her know how much she is hurting you (not your 4 year old just yet but maybe later, if this carries on) and giving your 9 year old an inflated view of himself. 

I am really looking forward to being a grandparent and enjoying it but this title still carries with it some responsibility, just like being a parent does. 

I think your Mum is being a bit thoughtless.  Perhaps you could talk to her about it. 

Don't let this situation continue.

[simont]

absolutely NOT being petty.  Not only is your younger son missing out on sleep overs with Granny, when his bro is having extended sleepovers with granny he is missing him too.  A double whammy.

You need to to explain that what's good for the goose is sauce for the gander.  If she won't have your younger son, then maybe she shouldn't have the older one as much either

Do think though, if she is not mad about your younger son, would you want him staying there without you anyway?

good luck with this, thinking of you

( Mrs SimonT.)

[kazza_cy]

I don't think you're being petty.  I have 2 children and have always treated them equally, although not everyone else does.  Probably your mum doesn't want the responsibility of looking after the younger one and enjoys conversation with your older child.  Is she alone?  He is probably company for her, so her actions are selfish.  You should tell her your younger child is upset and tell her you want them both treated equally.  She could take the 4-year old just for one night at a time?  Otherwise, you could give your youngest a little treat each time the 9-year old is at your mums.  Even if its only a trip to the swings.  He will probably then look forward to his brother going away :-)

[silly moo]

You really do need to try to talk this through with your mother.
I feel she is being unfair on both boys AND on you.
Try to keep calm but try to make her see her mistake.
Good luck.

[metagirl]

You may have to talk to your mum, just so she knows she is hurting the little ones feelings - unintentionally!

When I was growing up, I was my grandma's "favourite" and she would take me out more than my 2 younger sisters. But then my middle sister was a favourite of one of our aunt's, who would take her out for little trips and buy her little gifts. Ditto with my youngest sister and another aunt. These things happen in families I think (at least in mine!) - as long as the kids feel 'special' by SOMEONE, well, it shouldn't be a problem if grandma has her favourite. You shouldn't compound the situation by making a big deal of it to your sons.

[Bex28]

I don't think you are being petty at all, and I think that you are doing the right thing by gaining some kind of control over the situation by saying no to her.  Perhaps this will act as a bit of a shock tactic to her and she might think twicein future?  Who knows?

My great-gran used to favour my cousin who was an only child and buy her more toys and stuff at Christmas, but my Nan (her daughter) used to hold back the extra toys, and keep them at her house so that we could all share them together.  Gran's excuse was that as my cousin was an only child, she didn't get as much as me and my sister did (rubbish! lol) but my Nan took the control on the situation and my cousin, as far as I know still to this day is none the wiser, but when I found out I felt a bit annoyed I must admit.

[khana]

My sister has worked as a nanny for manu years and when I asked her about your situation she basically said what has been remarked upon by others.

Its unikely that your mother does not have as much love for your younger child but would find it hard to look after 2 children, especially one who is a lot younger. Purely from a practical point of view, the elder child is going to be a lot more independent and thus take less looking after, secondly the age difference means that the younger one would require a lot more one to one time with her. She would also have to try and keep two children entertained who both have vastly different needs and require different stimulus.

The present situation is a lot harder to reconcile, but then again how much use of a computer would a 4 year old get ?. At that age its easier to buy practical presents.

I'm sure you will find that as your younger child grows up then granny will be a lot more willing to look after both of them. As my sister says, one child is hard work, two is even harder and two with a sizeable age gap means your knackered at the end of the day.

I would echo the sentiments of others and talk to your mother, hopefully she will put your mind at rest and you will find that she will soon be in a position to spoil them both with love and presents.

[tuibird]

I have a similar problem with my mother-in-law. She has always favoured my daughter 13 and never had such a close bond with my son 12.
It is sometimes very obvious to me and I find myself trying to compensate for the difference.

My daughter chose to opt out of a family holiday ( I gave her the choice because she was really not keen), my mother-in-law wanted to take her away on a different holiday. I totally disagreed with this as my daughter chose not to come with us and I did not want her to think there would always be an alternative on offer as it would encourage her to keep opting out.

Anyway it did not happen in the end but I know she would
not have offered this to my son. Sometimes Grandparents just give too much!