Different Directions...

[Pootle]

There has always been one fundamental constant that has been in the background of our relationship threatening to rear its ugly head. I love the countryside with its lakes and mountains whilst Mrs Pootle is a city type. I love the peace and space; she loves the hussle and the bussle. Life is ok for the moment, we have spent 3 and a half years on the same path, but I can foresee in the next year or so, we are both going to want to go completely different directions, possibly even different countries. Now I am aware that if we want to stay together, which we most certainly do, then one of us will need to compromise. That much is obvious. However, I am keen to hear from anybody who has been through this before, did you compromise or did your other half compromise? How did this make you feel? Did you feel annoyed that you were not able to fulfil your own life ambitions? Advice most appreciated. Thank you

[{Dakota}]

Hi Pootle, sorry to hear of your dilemma. Given that I don't know anything about your life I am only suggesting the following, but obviously I don't know how possible it is for either of youu.

I don't have experience of this situation but is it possible to consider buying a property in the countryside as well as in the city? spending the week in the city and weekends in the country? As for the different Countries, could you go on each others ideal holidays in alternate years?

Also, if you are planning on starting a family at any time, that may alter how she feels about the city, she may come round to your way of thinking in that she would want your children to grow up in an environment where the air is clean and they are free to run abour without danger of traffic / strange people etc etc.

Another option is to move to Scotland, we have bustling cities and the mountains etc only a car drive away. Up here in the North East, there is heaps of areas that are considered to be in the countryside but because we have a good train network, there is easy access to the city centre in under 10 minutes.

I guess, in order for you both to feel fulfilled you will each have to compromise (which is the essence of a relationship really) and you will both need to make adjustments to make each other happy.

Please let us know what the outcome is :)

[CT]

Move to a smaller city/town, away from large conurbations like London/Brimingham/Manchester. I'm currently in Leicester and as well as being a large town it's also close to nearby countryside. Being originally from Newcastle on Tyne as well, that may have what your looking for. Only a couple on miles from the coast, short drive away from Northumberland and the Tyne valley, whilst also having the advantages of being a large town. If you can't relocate that far, maybe just move further from the city centre. Compromise on somewhere in between the city and the countryside.

[Gathorne]

My partner and I are the same as you two with me liking town and him liking countryside. At the moment we live on the edge of the city next to fields and a river so I can walk into town, and he can walk to the riverbank for his fishing.

For our dream house however we have come up with a 3rd way which suits us both with a little compromise on each side - we both love the sea so, when we're grown-ups, we will be looking for a house in a small seaside town. Maybe there's another alternative that will suit you both.

[shaneystar]

I have been married for 34 years and have had to compromise an awful lot ! In that time I have moved 15 times here and abroad.We have recently moved to a small seaside town after living in London for twenty years.I did not want to do this although it is the town I lived in as a child.I liked the city life.Mr.S the seaside..But...we are 20 miles from cosmopolitan Norwich and have the best of both worlds...the sea to the east and the countryside to the west and it's a fairly busy town.So for me it's a compromise.If you really want to be together you will find a way.In any marriage a little give and take goes a long way.

[Hermia]

I think it's possible to compromise as long as one of you isn't adamant that you want an inner-city penthouse and the other isn't adamant that you want to live in the middle of nowhere! My cousin lives in a lovely village that is a 40 minute drive away from Bristol so he has the best of both worlds. A friend of mine has just moved to Devon and the area she has chosen gives her easy access to Exeter, Dartmoor and the sea - I'm so jealous!

[maggie01]

My husband and I (sounds a bit royal) were both from the same area, however we decided to move to the country when our children were small. I have never missed London, whereas my husband hates the country. We now live in the middle of two cities, not far from the New 'Forest or The Sea. I would like to say everything works out ok but every now and again usually when work isn't going so good, he will sit and dwell on what might have been if he still lived in London and how much he still misses it. This usually causes a bit of a row because I feel guilty because I do not miss it and feel partly to blame because I refuse to go back to London. Things settle back down again, but it is always there. I don't know what the answer is but I hope you find some compromise. Perhaps in years to come you wife may come to want a more quiet life and just have visits to the city. I wish you luck because I know it is not easy.

[kick3m0n]

Can only agree with much of the above. I live in a very small village near the east coast of Scotland. We have all the benefits of country life that I grew up with and now we have our son I am very grateful for them. However, we are only 25 mins from Edinburgh and with that comes all the benefits of the city, without any of the negatives. As Dakota points out, having children (if that is part fo your life ambitions) may alter you/your partners perspective, it certainly did for me.

A life long partnership depends so much on compromise, which ideally should mean a little giving on both sides. This would hopefully reduce the potential annoyance/resentment that may be generated if one partner feels they have "lost" the fight for their wish.

Good luck.

[rampart]

Pootle, Mrs rampart and I went through this as well. I lived in the country when she and I dated, and I saw this issue coming. To me, however, my relationship with her was far more important. We did marry and live in the country, but I could tell she was quite unhappy.

We moved to a small town that is not far from a very large town. I can still see my mates in the countryside, and she can easily drive to the big city for shopping and culture.

Every morning when I open the front door, my heart aches for the rich damp earthy smell of the countryside. Every evening my eyes search for a clear view of the stars. However, the woman of my dreams is inside, tending to our children and keeping our home, and I would not change it for the world. Unless she came to her senses and said let's move back!

[MiniN]

Hi Pootle.

My partner is a true country lover at heart (and hates the cities) and i love the city and the country equally and i plan to live in a few different places before we settle down with a mortgage.

due to my job i will always need to live close to cities, so my partner supports me and will live in the city as long as i feel i need us to. have you thought about living in suburbs? we currently live in a quite suburb and live 20mins away from a city and 10 mins from rural country. perhaps this is a compromise that you guys could make work?

personally me and my partner make it work because we look at everything (good and bad) as an adventure, which we want to experience together (hope that doesn't sound too soppy!!).

hope this helps

x

[copippin]

Hi pootle,I am sure that the good old compromise is the key to your situation,having said that,some 21 years back I was coming to the end of 27 years living in London,and had had enough of the the place.It was at that time that I met my second husband who was born and bred in Hampshire and was recently retired from the RN.When we decided to " make a go of it" I asked how he would feel about moving far away from the south andhe said that would be fine and where did I have in mind.That was 21 years back and we left London and moved north to the edge of the Lake district where I was born and bred ,a move which has turned out to be one of the best things we ever did.At first I felt I had taken him away from his roots but he says he would not swop living in our area for anything.I often wonder if perhaps the compromise of doing what I asked! was easier because we were both around the 50 mark and were practised at the give and take which makes a relationship work. There was also a teenager involved, my 12 year old daughter bitterly resented moving away from London and all her friends,but now she ,like us feels that it was the best thing we ever did.

We still have the occassional trip to London,and are not far from Manchester for a shopping trip,but all in all things couldn't have worked out better as I am sure they will for you both.You obviously want to stay together ,and the bond between you and respect you have for eachother will help to create the necessary compromise.

Best of luck wherever you go but let us know won't you.

[spudqueen]

I can see one common answer coming up here - compromise! People can change though, I always thought I was a city person and lived in large towns/cities for most of my life. When Mr Spudqueen and I had the kids we were living on the edge of a large conurbation but with countryside 5 minutes down the road, suited me fine, then we moved to a small town and now we live in a village. Didn't think it would suit me but it does, I wander down my garden, say hello to the cows in the field at the back of the garden and look out over the hills. Having said that though we're only 7 miles from our nearest city so I can pop in when ever I like!