I am so thankful for the honesty in this forum and I am so (ironically) happy that I googled 'I am drinking myself to death". I am a part of this community where people feel pain like I do. I've been drinking a lot in the past ten years (I am now 33). I mean 'a lot' as in, when you take those health tests online and it's, "do you have 1-3, 4-6,6+ a day" I cringe, yet feel (ironically) great because I can fall into one of those categories, only because of that 'plus' sign- denial at it's finest. By the way, I am sitting here chugging Fireball because I feel a sense of cleanse, perhaps this will be what helps me step out of this finally, I always have room for hope. Lucky, I guess. Not quite sure yet if I want to, yet I know that I might be 'able' to. This is what makes me believe.
So, at first for the first three years until I got pregnant, I drank everyday. I took the pregnancy time and breastfeeding time to be sober. It was hell. I wasn't even really a long-term alcoholic at this point, but the hormones and HAVING to give my new crutch up was just not a good situation for my mental health, well to me. That is certainly arguable. All I wanted was that warming buzz of a beautiful red wine or a few shots of Sambuca. The warming comfort that alcohol brought to me at this point was very missed, there was not a lot of other 'fun' and 'warmth' happening. After my son turned two, it was like I went into a really selfish dive, I started my binging for real, creating a bar and drinking my face off from the moment I was cleaning the floors, (because sourpuss is a great breakfast with loud music, as you watch the business district prance by) to the closing moments at the end of the day where the bands would want to 'socialise' and I would want to use that as an excuse to drink again, and again. I am now at a point where I have had to give up my business and so thought of glamourous lifestyle and drinking excessively, even for me. Today, not being an example of volume, I drank two liters of wine and a five shots of Fireball. The problem is, I am spreading it out to my advantage so that my family doesn't notice (even though they know, I don't hide the quantity, I have a duty to be a functional individual). Yet, I masquerade the fact that I need help, I drink because of my need for constant affirmation in conversation. It's like a high, to have a fire started, FINALLY when you have been hanging out with someone, so many times and you get them or make them want to 'get you'. I get the inspiration and patience to keep trying to build something, but only if I drink. I can remember a time when that wasn't necessary. I think my point in all of this is that I remember that time, yet choose this easy way out for now. I know I am not immortal, yet I am damaging myself to the point of no repair. Not fair to those who may need me. So I write down the things that help. I was so hung over in a new way today, that I had no balance. I could hardly keep myself from toppling over. I called a friend and said that I wanted to go for a drive. Just being out in the fresh air alone helped me, and then as I gained new air, I allowed myself to be questioned a little. Which, helped. Even though I am drinking now after that, I am thinking about how sobering it was and how helpful the simplicity of the air was.
I am not sure if I feel completely stupid and think I can just continue in this way. Self medicating is not something new and profound, but I certainly feel the repercussions as I can 't stand still and feel like I have a constant inner ear infection. If I don't drink before noon, I get the shakes like you wouldn't believe, can't serve myself a cup of coffee. There you go, Rockstar. you got your glamorous life you 'wanted' as a pit of meds in your signature boozy martini. It so damn easy. I guess it's the necessity for 'easy' that makes it so appealing to those who have a serious struggle at any given moment.