Keeping A Death From The Family,feedback Plz.

[prendi]

My sister in law died a couple of weeks ago from cancer.The first I knew of it when I saw the obituary in the paper!!We have not visited my brother for a couple of years,just sent xmas cards etc.the rest of the family are the same,dont keep in touch etc,and they didn't know about her death either,til they saw it in the paper.apparently my sister in law didn't want my brother to tell any one about her illness or her death,but surely we should have been informed of her death if only to pay our respects,what do you think??

[woofgang]

If your SiL didn't want the family told then surely her wishes should have been respected no matter how unusual?

[jno]

I guess your brother's duty was to his wife rather than to his siblings - he swore to forsake all others when he married. Well, I don't know if those words were used, but that's the gist of marriage: you leave your old family and form a new one. So he may have felt he was carrying out her wishes. Perhaps if you'd visited them you would have found out?

[Meg]

I have strange in laws who I don't keep in touch with (no fall out, just lost the need to see them) with but I think we should be told if there had been a death in the family.

[losgigs]

Sorry to hear about the bereavement but it does sound a little odd that your brother didn't let you know. Does that mean you have missed the funeral - assuming you were able to go? Even if you weren't close it's still nice to be informed. He may need a lot of support in the the coming months but everyone reacts differently.

[Neveracrossword]

Sorry, there's no 'should' about it. What your sister-in-law wanted was far more important than anything else. 'Paying your respects' would do more for you than it would for your brother.

[DJHawkes]

I'm never sure why 'paying your respects' to a person that has died can be used to describe turning up at a funeral of a person you hardly ever saw when they were alive. If you have any sort of respect for a person you communicate with them when they are still able to communicate back. Your sister-in-law would have included you in her final montsh if she had felt any connection to you at all.

[ChillDoubt]

Your brother obviously followed his commitment to his wife's wishes and in the circumstances is actually extremely admirable.

Families are odd things, some don't want to keep regular contact (I see my sister roughly once a year and even then only briefly) and actively avoid doing so.

You choose your partner, you don't get to choose your siblings and inexplicable though it may seem to you your brother honoured his wife's wishes to the letter, which is very commendable.

[prendi]

Losgigs,yes we did miss the funeral,although my other brother went "uninvited" and there was a bit of a to do!

[Connemmara]

Different strokes for different folks. When my brother died last year - I had had issues with my cousin (she owed me a substantial sum of money - still does) however, through respect I did contact her and then she contacted her siblings and they all turned up and we were very pleased. You don't need to be friends as all one is doing is showing a little respect for the dead. :(

[pusskin]

Thats very sad prendi.
Maybe they felt that no family cared, so therefore dont tell them when i pass away?
I hope it brings the rest of your family closer now.

[Ouzel]

As others have said, your brother honoured his wife's wishes.

Just spare a thought for him, though, and think how difficult it must have been coping with her illness and death without any support from his family.

[Cloverjo]

I can understand why she wouldn't want people knowing about her illness. But keeping news of her death from the rest of the family is more than a little odd, I think.

[Jeza]

I don't find it odd at all. I have told mic if I die first I don't want anyone informed. He has said the same. Except we are all different.

[tamborine]

MIL died last year and a shop assistant told me. Am glad I missed her funeral as we didn't get on.

[Jeza]

*ACCEPT*

[Jeza]

Ah but had you have known Tambo.would you have gone?

[tamborine]

I would have had to if I knew. Since my OHs passing I've cut most ties with his family.

[prendi]

Jeza,as a matter of interest why do you not want anyone to know when u die?

[craft1948]

I didn't find out my father had died until I saw it in the obit notices, his wife for whatever reason decided not to tell his children. We went to the funeral just to spite her...............

[paddywak]

I know that all families are different but both Trish and I come from very close families and I find it hard to believe. We live all over the country, in fact we're spread all over the world, and probably 90% of our communications by what ever means are family gossip.If, for instance, a cousin in Australia is having a baby everybody in the family knows within a day. I Know you have to try and respect peoples wishes it's just that I find it hard that some thing like this would be withheld from family and friends.