Sunday Express Skeleton 3Rd November
Crosswords2 mins ago
Comedy Collection
"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer.
"Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."
Peter had planned on watching the football game with his friend Harry.
Peter arrived a bit late and the game had already started. Harry asked him, "What kept you?"
Peter replied, "I could not make up my mind between going to Church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin."
"So what took you so long?" asked Harry.
Peter answered, “I had to toss it 40 times."
Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news programme.
He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.
That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.
He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job.
One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.
Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."
I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.
The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.
Just before he rode off, I yelled out,
"What was all that about?"
He replied,
"Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."
A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright.
They said "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it anymore, they had to know who they had found.
They called the police station and said, "We're the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it really was Jimmy Hoffa."
The cop said, “Well, it wasn't Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"
"Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."
Peter had planned on watching the football game with his friend Harry.
Peter arrived a bit late and the game had already started. Harry asked him, "What kept you?"
Peter replied, "I could not make up my mind between going to Church and going to the football game. So I tossed a coin."
"So what took you so long?" asked Harry.
Peter answered, “I had to toss it 40 times."
Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news programme.
He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.
That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.
He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job.
One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.
Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."
I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.
The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.
Just before he rode off, I yelled out,
"What was all that about?"
He replied,
"Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."
A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright.
They said "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it anymore, they had to know who they had found.
They called the police station and said, "We're the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it really was Jimmy Hoffa."
The cop said, “Well, it wasn't Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"
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