Is It Just Me?

[nailit]

Went with my sister and niece today to sprinkle some of my mums ashes on to my dad's grave.
Felt no emotion whatsoever...as far as I was concerned we were just sprinkling dust on to a piece of grass. My sister and niece were a bit emotional though.
A bag of ash is not my mother and a piece of turf with a corpse under it is not my dad.

Think (and frequently dream) about my late mum often. I miss her terribly.
(not so much my dad now, he died 20 yrs ago but still miss him)
But just dont get this idea that my mum is now reunited with my dad because we scattered some ash on a piece of turf?
Just seems like a lot of hooey to me though I can understand that it gave my sister and niece a lot of comfort.

Feel a bit bad because I got more from today by feeding the squirrels in the cemetary.
Please tell me its not just me.
I just dont (can't) see a bag of ashes, or a corpse 6 feet under, as a loved one.

[MartinMillar]

How you choose to cope with your grief is a personal thing.

[Canary42]

And with most crematoria it isn't the deceased's ashes anyway, just a random shovelful out of the furnace.

[Neveracrossword]

It's not just you, Nailit. I - and most of my family, and many friends, feel much the same. Other friends go - regularly - to cemeteries. Some of them have little 'chats', others just go to reflect on things. Each to their own...

[nailit]

//And with most crematoria it isn't the deceased's ashes anyway, just a random shovelful out of the furnace//

My late mothers brother worked in a crem for a while. He totally dismissed that idea.

[rowanwitch]

I get it, Dave's ashes are still in the bottom of my wardrobe, he wanted them to go in my grave but the they are just in the way. Wish I had gone with my original plan of the Mersey on an outgoing tide. He sailed from there often enough in life.

[nailit]

//How you choose to cope with your grief is a personal thing//
Indeed.

//It's not just you, Nailit//
Thank you,

[Cloverjo]

Oh Canary, you’ve just ruined some people’s thoughts.

I agree, nailit. I don’t feel anything towards my grandparents’ ‘supposed’ ashes in a garden somewhere. Nor my mum’s in an urn at my dad’s house. What’s important is what is in your heart and mind.

Whatever gives you some comfort.

[poorclare]

It is your Mothers ashes, say a little prayer and think of the
good times you all had together.
Everyone is different ~ don't feel bad.

[sherrardk]

When we scattered my mother’s ashes I felt the same. I was just amazed by how much ash there was and if it was toxic to fish (it was sprinkled by water).

[MartinMillar]

We are not scattering dads ashes until his beloved dogs passes away as he wanted to be with him.
I am however going to have a ring or pendant made out of some of them.

[nailit]

//I get it, Dave's ashes are still in the bottom of my wardrobe, he wanted them to go in my grave but the they are just in the way//
Got be honest Rowen, dont think I could cope/deal with having ashes stored in my home.
(My afore mentioned sister has her late husbands ashes in a plant pot outside)

I find it a bit goulish but understand that others may gain a comfort.
We are all different.
Just for myself, when a loved one if deceased, they are gone. Photos and memories suffice for me.
(And reiterate...for me.) others are different!

[poorclare]

Canary you are THOUGHTLESS
I was not happy when in another post you were called
stupid, now I know those posters were correct.
Engage the brain before typing nonsense

[Buenchico]

Everyone's different. I wasn't really bothered when my mother died and I skipped out of the hospital, punching the air, when my father died. (My attitude was that I didn't need him but I did need his money).

I've only visited their (joint) grave once and that was to remove the markers, as I don't believe in any type of memorials at all.

To me, the dead are dead and should simply be forgotten as soon as possible.

I simply don't seem to be able to relate to the past at all. I've often driven past the house where I was brought up as a child but a year or two ago I decided to park up and walk along the street. I expected to have some sort of memories and/or to feel some sort of emotions but I felt absolutely nothing at all. I might as well have been walking along any other street, in any other town. 'The past' has very little meaning to me.

[rowanwitch]

They recommend 'floating urns' that slowly sink taking the ashes to the bottom. I was so tempted by the longship but would go for a plain red and out a Liverpool badge on it

https://scattering-ashes.co.uk/product-tag/floating-water-urns/#:~:text=A Floating Water Urn is the ideal choice,few minutes before gently submerging into the water.

[pixie374]

Definitely not just you, nailit. No matter how upset I am by somebody dying- I just have never related it to a piece of ground. They are unrelated. If you have a particular way you would like to remember them, whether something personal, a tree, charity etc... or nothing other than memories- just do what works for you x

[nailit]

// I was just amazed by how much ash there was //
Me too!
Thought that there would have been about a small coffee jar full. NOT a bloody sweet jar. There was nothing left of here when she died (wasnt much on her when she was alive) and most of that was metal...hip joints, knee joints etc.

Just cant feel anything for a bag of ash though....

[eleanor2]

Symbolic & comforting for some, for others not. I tend to my parents grave myself & visit regularly. I was saddened when other family didnt, until my brother said much the same, that everyone is individual and remembers loved ones each in their own way & that for him memories are more important.

[Mamyalynne]

We are who we are, there's no right or wrong way to feel.

[bednobs]

It's rather contrary that you can't feel emotions towards the ashes, but dont like the thought of them in your house :) however, that's the nature of grief - totally contrary!

[nailit]

The only time that I visited my dads grave was with my mum.
I did it for her, not to visit a clod of earth with a dead body buried beneath it, which meant nothing to ME but meant much to my mum.
Now my mums ashes are scattered I shall not visit either again now.
My sister and niece will continue to do so, I won't.
Let them both rest in bloody piece without visitors talking to them for heavens sake.

Well, thats my take on it...