Residency Order

[bobbybob]

My two step children keep saying that they want to live with us as the mother is not interested in them. They are bathed only once a week, they are not allowed to play, they only allowed to sit and watch tv, they are not given breakfast and only have a sandwich at teatime. They don't like the mothers boyfriend as he shouts at them and they are made to go to bed at 6pm every night. We cannot talk to the mother and she made us go to court for access costing us �6000. What age can the children decide for themselves where they want to live? They are 6 and 4

[holly3smith]

I'm not sure - but definately older than that. My husband and I are currently contesting residency for his son and from my experience I can advise you this - have the children as much as you can, be involved in school or anything else the children are involved in, keep a regular diary of their mother's involvement with them and any information the children volunteer. You can make an application to the court yourself which costs �160 and the first court hearing is fairly straight forward - we did that one without a solicitor. If you've been through contact proceedings you will have an idea of how it works. Courts will rarely take children away from their mother unless there is a good reason. When completing the forms refer to the Childrens Act 1989 - welfare check list to give you an idea of the areas to focus on - I would build up a good file of evidence before you take any action

[christina81]

firstly how do you know any of this is true ? I dont understand why you cant talk to her because you have gone to court! the court want nothing more than for the parents to sort their differences out outside of court rather than wasting their time.I am sure if this were true social services would have some involvment.I believe the children can decide if they want to see their parents at around 10ys old but as for living with you,I doubt that would happen unless there was good reason or proof of what your saying is true.Children say things that are not always correct.It seems alot to be said by a 6 and 4 year old.

[fredpuli47]

This is a familiar story. Look, children in my own family , when very young,would tell other adults stories like this and they lived happily with both their parents, who were good parents ! The courts know this behaviour too. A young child a) is not the most reliable witness, not having learned the difference between fact, stories, and exaggeration of fact. b)soon learns what response or rewards it gets by giving one side (e.g. you ) accounts like this. How can you tell whether or not they are exaggerating ?

[christina81]

how many children are there? because another thing is if there are other siblings that are not fathered by your partner it could cause problems too as brothers and sisters are not normally seperated?

[hannah0809]

Im sure they have to be 14 before they are able to make a decision on who they would rather live with.

I would keep a diary of everything that is said and all activities you do with the children and if you are still concerned about their welfare contact Social Services.

[mrs_overall]

In a fairly straightforward case (where there are no accusations of criminal offences such as assault, sexual abuse etc), a child age 9 years and over has the final say in where they live.
Your stepchildren are far too young to make the decision themselves.
If you decide to go ahead, a CAFCASS official will be appointed by the Family Court. He/she will interview everyone concerned with the case and then submit a report to the Court. Young children are interviewed on their own with no other adult present, usually in neutral surroundings. This is to stop anyone prompting them what to say, or putting the children undr pressure.
There are two warnings I would like to give you.
Firstly, young children are notorious at playing one parent off against another, and they can be very economical with the truth if they are trying to please someone.
Secondly, the CAFCASS officers have had bad press recently. One of my family was in a similar situation and the CAFCASS woman was worse than useless. In her report she got wrong the names and ages of the children and also detailed her interviews on the wrong dates and in the wrong locations. One of the children involved was 10 years old. This woman asked the mother if she had ever hit her daughter. The mother said that when the girl was a toddler she would occasionally tap her hand or smack her bottom. In the CAFCASS report this was written up as

"the mother has admitted that she has regularly hit the child."

Sorry if this sounds negative but I thought you should be aware.
Good luck.

[bobbybob]

Thank you to all who have given constructive help. I will take it on board. Obviously some people haven't any idea how evil some women can be after a break up. My Husband is only allowed to see the children every other weekend and she will not allow him to make phone calls to them so it will be very difficult to see them as much as we would like. She does not let him have any information about what is happening at school and even though he has sent them a copy of his parental responsibility order and we have seen the teachers in person they still do not pass on information.

[christina81]

If a court has ordered a parental responsability order then he has every right to know how they are getting on at school etc.He is entitled to go to parents evenings without her and have copies of school reports and such.Thats the whole point of the order.He has to show that he actually is taking responsabilty and pay for these children too.I would take this up with their school personally as they are obviously ill informed or incompetent.I don't know why you feel some of us are being unhelpful.I am simply saying how it is.I know from experience as everyone on here seems to be.Sometimes the truth is just not what you want to hear.But they are very young and to take a child away from their mother is terrible especially if you don't know that any of this is true.I mean we dont know the facts,but I know how children play their parent off one another,or simply try to please both parents by saying what they think they want to hear.Deep down I am sure most children just want their parents back together again but It just isn't possible.

[PeterD01]

I have just come through this legal maze, and I can only advise from my own experience. The lady who said the law won't take the children from the mother, unless there are exceptional circumstances, is wrong. I am the step-father to one of my children, and natural father to the two younger children, and I have just been given total residency.
Don't give in at court, have all hard evidence logged. Involve the Police and Social Services if you believe there is neglect involved. If the previous partner is violent, report it to the Police and amass incident numbers, even if there are no arrests. Be patient, and make solicitors/barristers work for you. Be prepared to give a little on visitation but focus, not on your dislike of the other parties, but purely on the children and their safety.
CAFCASS are a pain, and if they write a report you do not like the content of, you can't complain until after the case has run its course. Be careful with them, see what your rights are, contact NSCFC [[email protected]] and they can advise you. You may be able to record all interviews.
Ask the kids what they want, try to get them to be as honest as possible.
Do things as quick as possible, because the longer it drags on, the more likely the court are to leave the kids where they are.
Feel free to contact me if I can help you with anything else([email protected]). Stay possitive, and I wish you the very best of luck.

[who-he]

I too have just been granted residence of my daughter (age 7 now, 5 years when case started) needed photographic evidence of abuse by mother, took daughter to doctor and police interviewed her (age 5) They will take evidence from young children, they have special interview sites for them and trained officers, but they will not get just to choose where they live, you need evidence. Expect a long painful and costly court case even if, as in my case, the police have enough evidence to prosecute and social services temporarily remove the child from her care to you.