Grandparents Contact Rights (if any!)

[Sad GranDad]

My eldest daughter of 3 walked out of my life with a man who I thought was bad for her. They,ve been together for about 2 and a half years. Thay had a son together about 18 months ago and I wasn't involved in their lives until the baby was about 4 months old. My daughter came back into our lives when we attended the same function. From that day it's been wonderful, sunday lunches together, weekends away, days out etc. etc. etc. Not just my daughter but her partner and their son too, my grandson who I adore. It was great, a whole family enjoying each others company. HOWEVER, It became apparent that all was not well between my daughter and her partner, he was controlling her and he was being physically and mentaly violent to her and in front of the baby. I spoke to him on the subject and he admitted that he had a "problem". The controling continued as did the violence, be it slight at that stage. Anyway, the violence worsened and it ended up with him trying to suffocate her and her having him arrested for the attempt. He was cautioned and released. My daughter was living with me and my grandson for several months but she decided to go back with him. She is now saying it was my fault for interfering and that I never did want them to be together. Now, she has said I can have no contact with my grandson. He has been a HUGE part of my life over the past year or so and I have so much to offer the little chap. His father is rarely there for him and don't seem to teach him anything or help him walk, talk etc. I love the little man so very, very much and I miss him as if he'd died. I just don't know what to do. I have written a 7 page letter to her explaining how I feel about her and her son, my grandson but she is adoment, NO CONTACT. My other 2 daughters have talked to her but she has said, it is I that has done wrong anfd not her partner, I should have left them alone. HELP !!!!!!!!!!!

[Abdulmajid]

What a sad story.

Firstly in law, you have no rights whatsoever.

Regarding your daughter it is the age old problem of being almost brainwashed by a dominant man. I have lost count of how many women on here are victims of abuse from their partners but still "love" them through thick and thin.

I abhor men who bully women, no doubt like yourself. It must be horrible for you knowing your beloved daughter is subject to this. And full respect to you for not "arranging" a little accident to befall this foul and grotesque man.

There is little advice I can offer therefore apart from

1) If you are in any doubt about the safety of your grandson then contact either social services and/or CPT (Child Protection Team of the Police) ASAP. Although you love your daughter, she is still there out of choice. The wee lad is not.

2) Likewise if in any doubt about your daughters safety then contact AVU (Anti-Victimisation Unit of the Police, the old domestic violence branch). As you have rightfully said, domestic violence need not be only physical. Mental, emotional and even financial abuse are dealt with on equal measures these days.

3) If you do arrange a firm to kneecap the scumbag, go VERY VERY VERY careful and be sure to cover all your tracks.

I wish you all the very best and I hope one day your daughter will wake up and smell the coffee and you will be the family unit you so deserve.

Bless your heart.

[Buenchico]

This might not help directly but it will show that you're not alone:
http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Family/Question 388566.html
(I apologise if my post in that first link sounds rather harsh. I've simply tried to explain the legal situation. If you click through to my earlier post you'll find a reference to the Grandparents' Association where you might be able to get some support and advice).

Chris

[B00]

Your post brought a lump to my throat Sad GranDad. I can't offer any advice at all, sorry- I just wanted to wish you all the luck in the world, hopefully, one way or another you'll be in contact regularly with both your daughter and your grandson, sooner rather than later.

God bless

xxx

[Sad GranDad]

THANKS for your prompt replies. I have considered the "direct" approach as far as my grandsons father is concerned but I feel that, one day, I will have to explain my actions to my grandson and I don't wish to be judged on the same level as the a___ hole who has decided to father such a dear little boy. I sincerely hope that he will not follow in his fathers footsteps etc. but, at the moment, all I am thinking about is myself, I know it's selfish but I just want that little chap back in my life. If I am, at least I can keep an eye on things. I have also considered The Social Services but I would only consider doing that if pushed as I'm afraid of the little man being taken from both of them and put into care. although he may have witnessed and heard things, he hasn't been a direct victim. If he ever was, I would end up in prison myself for murdering his father!!! I guess there are no answers but I just wanted to say to someone how I am feeling and the hurt that's eating me away. My family are here for me and they are doing all they can to help but it's just not enough, I miss him so VERY much. I've spent more time with him than his own father. Now all I have is memories and the knowledge that things could have bben so good. I would never have believed that a mother could deprive the two most important males in her life of love for each other and not being permitted to give and share that love to each other. What makes it worse, that mother is my daughter ! !

[meglet]

Sad GranDad, sadly I have no advice to offer. Chris' advice to contact the Grandparents Association looks like a good place to start and they are bound to offer advice on further actions.

This post is one of the saddest I have read on here. How awful that your daughter's partner has brainwashed her to blame you. I have a 5 month old niece who I absolutely adore and I would be devastated to fall out with my sister and lose contact with her.

The best, best of luck to you. My thoughts are with you.

[Dee Sa]

Hopefully, one day she will come to her senses and come back home, its obvious he wants revenge,everytime he loses his temper she probably has to listen about how he thinks you were wrong to interfere and the only way she can stop theses tirades is to stop seeing you. just sit tight and hope and pray they will both come back. Dont try to force the issue or send more letters, and remember how lucky you are to have two more daughters.
I sincerely hope the sitution gets better for you, but unfortunately even if she comes back she may still return to him later.

[Sad GranDad]

Thanks Dee Sa, i think you're probably right. I have written the little chap a letter, I know he's only a baby, but I feel better for it and, who knows, one day, he might read it. I haven't sent it, I intend to keep the letters I write and, should anything happen to me, he WILL know how I felt about him and the situation.

I just find it so hard to understand why my daughter is doing this to me.

Perhaps there is someone out there who is in a simular position to my daughter who may be able to explain it from my daughters side, perhaps I have failed my daughter in some way.

I sometimes think that I could have handled the whole domestic violence thing a bit better. I could have tried helping him to get some help, counselling or something, I don't know.

If theres any young women who is in conflict with her father or is in a simular position to my daughter, please post an answer.

THANKS everybody, you've been a great help and comfort.

[DONNAKEBABUK]

Dear Sad Grandad. My heart goes out to you, it really really does. All I can do is pray for you that your daughter will see the light and allow contact again (and soon at that !). Continue to buy him birthday and Christmas presents, even ask your daughter if you can phone the little man, just to hear his voice. Your grandson is no doubt missing you like crazy too so why take it out on him? Why use the little one as a bargaining lever / punishment to you both for something that she feels YOU have done wrong.

Unfortunately sweetheart, love can be SO DARNED BLIND but I will say to you that these things have a funny way of turning out okay in the end.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Take Care.

katie. x

[NiceCupOfTea]

I'm not in this situation, but I know a lot of people who are. We have an organisation that we are in contact with through work called the Worst Kept Secret
( http://www.worstkeptsecret.co.uk/ ) . They're based in Merseyside, but they'll at least be able to talk you through what's going on in your daughter's head as you sound desperate to know why she's acting like this. It isn't you, unless there's something you're not writing of course which I doubt.

Manipulation is more or less a constant in the sort of relationship your daughter is in from what you say. It's much more difficult to do if the person being manipulated is still actively part of a circle of family and friends and so the abuser tends to get them to isolate themselves. It's amazing how subtle the tormentors are, you'd think they had degrees in psychology.

[Sad GranDad]

is there anyone else who can advise ?

[banjosister]

Hey SadGrandad,

Your daughter is not doing this to you. It is easier for her (in her mind) to blame you than her other half. She does know in the back of her mind that she is transferring the blame to you.

Unfortunately all you can do until she 'comes to her senses' is be there and keep an eye on the situation.

I really feel for you, sending love & hugs..

BB xx

[Sad GranDad]

Thanks BB, I know what you say is right, but I can't help thinking that I could have done something to prevent things getting to this. Perhaps I shouldn't have given my daughter any advice because everything I told her and suggested she done, she told her partner. He is now aware that he is being watched and thus is preventing me from having any contact.

You would never beleive that this "man" would do such violent things, he is calm, polite, well mannered and seems kind. He is well respected at his place of employment, he (Shaun Frost) is the manager of a very prestegous hotel, The Stoke By Nayland Golf Club near Sudbury. The people he works with have no idea what he is, they think very highly of him. It makes me angry to think that his life would be very different if people knew what he did behind closed doors. Even his parents don't beleive my daughter, she's asked them for help but they said it was a load of lies!

I guess we can't turn back the clock and what is done, is done. Thanks for the gesture and thanks to everyone who has posted an answer and given advice and kind words.

[NiceCupOfTea]

Don't get involved yourself. You could contact people yourself but then please stop. The agencies involved tend to work on a one to one basis, i.e. with your daughter, so pass on her number and see what happens.

[NiceCupOfTea]

I know that contradicts what I said in my previous post, but times change.