Intimidating neighbour

[iwishman]

My neighbours of 2 years are a retired couple and are making my life unbearable.I have lived in my house for 16 years with excellent neighbours before them and with no issues or concerns.
As we share a drive our cars are parked next to each other and the other day I opened the rear door of the car to let my one of my sons out and accidently hit the rear light on her car, I checked and there was no damage, she opened her window and screemed like a banshe that I done it on purpose and she will call the police, I told her it was accidental but she came out with her husband (puppet) and they both had a go in front of my son who was upset.
She has threatened us on a few occasions and my children are scared of her.
I will not react and have to calm my wife down as she wants to 'have it out' but I think my neigbour wants a reaction so she can call the police and I will not rise to it but I am slowly running out of paitence.
She constantly looks at us out of her conservetory, I hate it when I have to drive my car in and I have stopped walking our dog.
My question is, is there someone I can discuss this with other than the police as I do not want to waste their time.
I am really fustrated with this it is ruining my life.

[KARL]

In our area the police advertise that they can mediate in disputes and, although it sounds as if you do not formally have one, you might speak to them. Another avenue is the Citizens' Advice Bureau. Both organisations may suggest other options. We have neighbours who cut the tops off our trees - within our land, not just half-on-half-off as is so often a source of disagreement and no local authority trimming order exists in our case. Because this is done at long and irregular intervals and with stealth, there are no witnesses that we know of and nobody to accuse. While the police are sympathetic (and outraged), they are helpless and unable to help even though there is only one party that could possibly have anything to gain. In my case, I have considered CCTV (equipment is now cheap, except for 24/7 recording) and you might do that also, but beware that you are likely to have to fulfill some requirements so as not to infringe a law (big brother can put these up at will, but not necessarily you and I). Unfortunately, while 90+% of humanity is perfectly decent, there are unpleasant people in the remaining 10% - it is our bad luck whenever we come up against them. It occurs to me that if your neighbours are tenants, you could find out who the landlord is and make a complaint. I suggest that an informal approach would be best initially - if you thereafter feel a formal one is justified then go ahead. But at least attempting an amicable solution directly with your neighbours is (in my view) fairly mandatory - even if you feel this has already been done, nothing would be lost by trying again.

[KARL]

Sometimes people (even on both sides) have already convinced themselves that the other party is unreceptive, intransigent or worse and there is only one way the situation is going to develop from there. Any mediator will ask what you have done to clear things up, don't be caught out vulnerable to accusations that you fuelled the situation (or at least allowed it to degenerate). Overall, a solution will need tact and mountains of self-restraint and patience and at the outset the best hope lies in a discussion with your neighbour - not a confrontation though.

[iwishman]

Karl,
Thanks for your lenghtly reply, not quite sure what you are telling me other than talking to the CAB.
My neigbour when she first moved in did not like me having a kick around with my sons who were 5 and 3 at the time with a sponge ball, something I had done once the boys started to walk, I fully respect other peoples property as I would not want mine damaged.
She is not frightened to tell you what she thinks at any time she even complained that my wing mirror was on her side of the drive and that is no joke.
I have tried on numerous occasions last year to talk to her but she could not give a dam and I will not try anymore.
What can the CAB or police advise? potentially it could make it worse.

[iwishman]

Karl,
Just to give you a further idea of what I am up against,
a year ago she had her conservatory built and during this time my two boys on there way to get in the car had a look at the building going on and next day she complained to my wife that the kids were touching and warned her to keep them off.
They did not touch and were just inquizitive.

[missrandom]

be careful if you take any official steps, as i think you have to declare these when/if you move.

[squarebear]

Send them a few pizzas, taxis and so on round. Sign them for any junk mail offers you see. Ring them anonymously at 3am.

It might not sort them out but it will make you feel better.

[iwishman]

missrandom,
What do you mean - declare official steps, to who and why?

Squarebear,
Would love to and more but she would just blame me anyway even if you send them.......thanks

[missrandom]

i think it's when you fill in your blue form that the solicitors send you, that there is a section where you have to declare any disputes with neighbours. Maybe its changed though, i last moved 7 years ago. I am assuming you own your home, it wouldnt apply if you rented.

[missrandom]

Yes I was right see the link from previous thread

http://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Law/Question557 362.html

[trt]

Put a couple of mice through her letter box in the middle of the night.

[KARL]

It does sound like the situation is quite difficult and from the responses you have had it looks like there is no surefire way of dealing with this sort of thing. While everyone will sympathise, curing it is another matter entirely, especially as there would seem no hope of reasoning with the woman (in particular). What I was trying to get across is that your wife's instinct will only lead to an escalation - I should think that is not in anyone's interest. Your only hope is to find an ally somewhere in officialdom or an organisation. Not what you want to hear, I expect, but my neighbour but one (not referred to above) has the dubious record of hounding his next-door neighbours out of their owned home with incessant complaints, primarily over the conduct of (well behaved) children. These things are very intractable and I certainly know of no easy answer. I shall follow this thread with interest in case something really useful comes through.

[iwishman]

Karl,
Thanks for your last feedback, you are 'spot on' with your thoughts.
As I left for work this morning she was looking deliberatly out of her conservatory at me getting in my car with the blinds rotated to a postion where she can watch my every move (she knows i leave at the same time every morning)
I was absolutley intimidated and once again after ringing my wife had to tell her to not go around but instead today I am going to phone the police for their help, I have I feel no choice now, but why the hell do I feel really nervous?
I will of course let you know the output.

[cassa333]

I have no solution for you but a bit of advice that is going to be hard to do.


IGNORE HER.

When she looks out the window at you give her a friendly smile and wave. Just pretend she is being friendly.

If she moans about your children touching things just say something like ' I didn't realsie they had. I shall have a word with them' and ignore her.

If the drive has a middle defining line make sure you park well over your side. If it is possible put up a fence then do so.

If nothing else it will annoy her that she isn't making you angry.

[iwishman]

cassa333
IGNORE HER has been the advice off many people and until now I have done but still feel intimidated as she just carries on being intimidating and she 'wins' because I will back away and go into the house.
I am unable to put up a fence inbetween the cars as there will not be enough room to get out.
As daft as it may sound, waving and smiling will i think make it worse, this women is very hard faced and must have a very thick skin.
I have the police comming tonight to discuss.

[joannie10]

good luck iwishman - I have no help to offer but really think you are doing the right thing. At least the police will be logging your concerns if she goes phoning them about silly things. They will probably tell you to log everything - date times etc if you have not been doing this already. It is something you would not be able to ignore.

[mrs_overall]

Hi there.
You have my fullest sympathies, as I too have the neighbours from hell. I have tried my utmost to be friendly but all I get is verbal abuse. My neighbours monitor our every move - I've even seen the wife on all fours peering through blinds when we've had visitors. Their garden is one third of an acre in size yet they have chosen to put up a huge trampoline against the fence, right next to my kitchen window. The wife then came round and asked me to keep my kitchen blind closed at all times as she didn't like me looking at her kids playing on it!
I'm now taking steps with the authorities over other matters as we've decided enough is enough.
I tried the suggestion of giving them a friendly smile & wave when they were spying on us but that did no good. I now fight fire with fire by staring back at them. I do it for so long that they eventually close their blinds.
It is stressful and annoying but try not to lose sleep over it. If they are retired they are probably bored and are turning into Victor Meldrews.
Good luck, and let us know if the police have any suggestions.

[paraffin]

Hi iwishman:

A dreadful situation and one which obviously gives you no peace of mind.

I've read the responses, some of which are useful, some others absolutely ridiculous. If only they were in your situation? I don't think their replies would be so flippant!

Please don't expect miracles from the Police this evening - I'm sure you won't - because this is a very delicate matter for the Police to try to resolve, speaking from personal experience.

Make sure, though, that the subject of an ASBO is mentioned, for this is one answer to such a tricky situation. I'm sure from what I've read that you maybe would settle for a quiet and peaceful co-existence, but it sounds as if that may not be possible.

There's also the possibility of some kind of restraining order against your neighbour but not only might that involve personal expense to yourself, you would also have to amass enough evidence against them to justify it.

The CAB has been mentioned and they are able to provide free legal advice.

Are your houses council or private? I'm not being nosey by asking this, my thinking being that if they are council houses, could it be that your obnoxious neighbours have done this elsewhere and have simply been rehoused, which would only have the effect of moving the council's problem to another residence (if you follow that?).

It may well be that you will agree that a word from the Police to your neighbours may do the trick, but be prepared for your neighbours to make some counter allegation(s) against you, whether true or not. It's just human nature.

The council mediation service, which has been mentioned, is also one which I would ask you to consider, because it give you the chance to deal with someone independent who can sort of represent both parties and try to find some middle ground eventually leading to a long-term solution.

[iwishman]

Thank you all for you 'ears'
our houses are private, i will not expect a quick remedy from the police but they will find out that we have had enough and I will expect counter allegations as that is the way she is.
The ASBO question to the police is one I never thought of but I will ask.
Fighting fire with fire is ok but I do not want to bring myself down to their level but it is something my wife wants to do but I tell her no.
I go home at 4.30 and will be there for 4.45 and I am already thinking about when I have to park my car she will be at her window, how sad is that of my thoughts?

[Whoever]

I really feel for you. It does rather seem that the root cause of this may possibly be that she's a really sad old retired woman who is bored out of her mind and has nothing better to do with her life all day than look out of her window and create problems for other people to get some excitement in her life. If possible I would try to ignore her. If the biggest excitement of her day is watching for you to arrive home from work, her life has got to be pretty dull, hasn't it? Doesn't she ever go out and have a social life of her own? Just thank heavens you're not married to her. She must lead her poor old man a dog's life!