Ex husband

[foxyferret]

My daughter and her hubby divorced years ago. She has parental responsibility for one son and they came to an amicable agreement about access which has worked very well until recently. A solicitor drew up this agreement and my daughter says they never went to court. Over the last year or so, he has suddenly for no apparent reason, turned very nasty. He sends his son home late from his weekends, and has started to dictate his own terms re access. Whenever he speaks to my daughter, every other word starts with f, and he says if he sees her in the street he will punch her. He has booked a holiday for the first week of school and says if his son does not turn up to go away with him, there will be big trouble. My daughter is very angry about this, but she is also very scared of the consequences if she does not let him go with his father on holiday. The amicable agreement has obviously badly broken down and my daughter has not got a clue what she has done. All she gets are very abusive phone calls, texts, and now threats. All this goes on in front of her son (he is 12) so he must be very confused and doesn't know if he is coming or going. I have suggested she goes to the CAB for advice, but failing this, would it be better to see a solicitor? Can they draw up a document which is legally binding to both parties and what would happen if after it was agreed, one party still did their own thing and ignored it? Does she have to put up with this verbal abuse? Ex hubby does not seem to understand that there must be a certain amount of communication when it come to letting him know things that concern his son like school trips. docs appointments etc. When she sends notes, he throws them away, then she gets a lot of swearing down the phone and told not to send f...... notes as he won't read them. He is not thinking about his son, he just wants to bully her into doing what he wants. What is the best thing she can do?

[PurplePolkadot]

family law solicitor asap, and tell her to keep the texts and any other evidence of this behaviour, and note down the calls times and what was said etc. I feel for the boy it must be awful for him.

[foxyferret]

Thanks purplepolkadot.she has made an appointment with a family law solicitor on Monday. Also, he does not pay any maintenance money as his son spends so many days with him a year which is over the limit for asking for support. She is not bothered about that, but she is just fed up of the bullying and sad that her son is caught in the middle because of the unreasonable attitude of his father.

[PurplePolkadot]

Good, she will get advice on what to do and how best to proceed with this, hopefully they can find a way to take the heat out of the situation. Good luck to your daughter and grandson.

[Prudie]

I was in exactly this situation with my ex-husband and daughter. After about 4 years of sharing her without too much nastiness he turned into a complete bully. A new partner was behind it all, she pushed him to go for custody. All I can say is to help your daughter be strong, get a good solicitor and play nasty back.

[lcg]

also...report any threatening behaviour to the police. she is scared, hurt and worried (with good reason!) and he is committing a criminal offence every time he does this. also - if he is behaving like this with your daughter, what is he doing with the boy behind her back? lord knows - as he probably wouldn't know what to say or do if asked, poor thing. so...police, solicitor and i would also stop the boy from going to unsupervised access as his dad's behaviour is nasty and criminal. let the courts sort it out and hopefully support your daughter through this mess. she has to stand up for herself or she will have to put up with another 6 years of this abuse. good luck x

[lcg]

oh - and when he doesn't get the level of access he used to, sting the bar steward for csa - hit him where it hurts! x

[cathfromsaron]

since april the law has changed regarding family matters brought to court. mediation services get involved first and magistrates second.

ideally she needs a diary of events and if the son is ever a witness or victim (same thing really) then contact your local domestic violence unit for advice.

she should get legal aid if she isn't working. also womens' aid are very responsive and practical.

(btw been there done that and bought the t-shirt)

cath x

[foxyferret]

Thank you all for your kind advice. She is keeping all the abusive text messages on her phone to show the solicitor on Monday. Yes, he does speak to her and swear at her on the phone when the child is in the room, does not make any difference. She has stayed calm and not sworn back. If the solicitor says she should report the threat of a "punch if he sees her in the street", she will. This was a verbal threat, so no proof unfortunately. My grandson is supposed to go to his fathers on Thursday for the rest of the school hols but my daughter says he is not going, because as soon as she lets him go he will not come back on the correct day ready to start school. His father says he is taking him on holiday the first week back to school whether she likes it or not so she does not want to let him go on Thursday. She is very worried about what his reaction will be to this, she really does not want to have to call the police if he turns up at the house, but if necessary,she will There is absolutely no chance he would attend mediation, so we will wait and see what happens at the solicitors office on Monday. Once again, thank you all so much for your advice.

[chelle7272]

I hope all goes well at the solicitors on Monday. I think your daughter is right not to let her son go with his dad on the Thursday, and though she may be reluctant to involve the Police if it's the right course of action she must do it. It's vital that she has evidence and witnesses wherever possible.