can of worms subjct

[joggybear]

sorry if similar asked before-my twins not seen their dad-ever-got divorced from only Dad they know (final papers) in October, had upsetting call from 'friend' earlier today, who i only speak to as live in same town as childhood. The twins Dad, (who her brother knows) has heard about my divorce, and 'now' wants access-can i refuse? they were one when got married,so not told them about birth dad.They are 9.

[grasscarp]

Why would you want to stop the father seeing his children. Although he has left it a long time, better now than when they are grown up and he has missed everything. I know your feelings will get in the way, but I think it would be good if he could make amends and get to know them now and the twins probably do wonder about their missing father.

[Prudie]

Who do the twins think their father is?

[cathfromsaron]

needs careful handling and you need to put personal feelings aside!

would he make a better 'dad' than 'no dad', even after all this time?

cath x

[sara3]

why would you refuse your kids knowing the truth about their father?

what did their father do to deserve that?

[tamborine]

At 9y they're old enough to decide whether to see their dad.

[grasscarp]

You have to ask yourself joggybear, do you want him to ignore them forever? It has probably taken some courage for him to decide he wants to see them, and you should not be the one to stop this initiative. How will you feel if you do block it, and when they do get together maybe as adults and he says - I wanted to get to know you years ago, but your mum stopped it. They will not thank you.

[ummmm]

A father who hasn't seen their children in 9 years doesn't deserve to be taken into consideration Grasscarp!!!

In your situation I would deny him access and see what happens next. A man who hasn't bothered with his kids for that long is unlikely to pay for a solicitor.

[cazzz1975]

that would depend tambo, some parents deliberately poison a young childs mind against an absent parent so they already have a bad opinion despite never meeting them.

[daffy654]

I think the biggest problem here is that the twins don't seem to have any idea that your ex husband is not their biological father. You really should think about telling them in case it goes further.

[AlBags]

Their father might be a perfectly amenable guy .. and you may be too ..
Why not talk it over with him?

[AlBags]

Ummmm has a good point tho ..

However .. this situation may well not go away .. even if you just refuse. You might end up with worse conditions (for you) than if you talked to this guy about it.

[tamborine]

some cazz - every child has a right to know its father. Communication should be supervised though.

[cathfromsaron]

have an adult only meeting and thrash it out?

[cazzz1975]

I agree tambo, but I think the can of worms extends to the kids believing that their real father is the non biological father, they probably even have his surname.

it may not sound much of a problem but medically, genetically, historically it could be problematic

[ummmm]

Yes, every child does have a right to know their father. Where do you draw the line though? Not bothering for 9 years!!!

I've had experience of a man that starts and stops contact willy nilly. It's a head fcuk for the kids.

[sara3]

*Sara wonders if the new poster will return*

[daffy654]

SC... Op had twins, one year later married a man who wasn't the twins dad. They divorced and now biological dad wants contact. Twins are not aware that they are not the biological offspring of op's ex husband.

[grasscarp]

Ummm, we may not know the full story here. I just cant see the point of obstructing a parent, no matter what the past is. He has lost the past years and maybe has realised what he has done and wants to make amends. Rereading the original post, I am assuming that Joggy married someone else when the twins were one, so they think of this person as their father. So if there are 3 adults involved in this, then they will need to talk it through to come to a solution that is in the best interests of the twins.