Am I Wrong To Be Very Irritated At This?

[RATTER15]

Working in Care Homes, especially in the field of Dementia I often find that families, usually sons and daughters don't visit their parents once the dementia progresses.

The reason I usually get is: that isn't my mum, that's isn't my Dad!! It really winds me up!!

I want to say: yes it bloody well is, you may not have any desire to visit them but how about the need they may have to see their daughter or son!

I know that some times they may not recognise their son or daughter but even if they don't it usually still registers that it is a familiar and close friendly person.

We have a lady only in her mid 60s, now very close to being in a vegetative state due to her dementia but we can still get a limited response from her. Her Son regularly comes to the home to bring things for his mother and pay the bills etc. but will never come into the home for fear of seeing his mother that he claims to love.

Of course I can accept it is very difficult but I really think that with help they could deal with it for the sake of their loved ones.

These people need their families now more than ever but they are frequently just shut away and never seen by their families again.

It really winds me up, am I wrong or should I be more understanding?

[Maydup]

Reading this is heartbreaking Ratter....but I wonder if this is also their reason for not visiting? Seeing the parent in a near vegetative state is heart breaking and maybe they struggle to go through the same pain week after week. Just a thought.

[Sqad]

RATTER....I take your point, but do see the other side of the picture.

I don,t know wether you are wrong or not.

I couldn't visit an old relative be they normal or demented on a regular basis, but particularly if they were retarded.

Mrs sqad visited her mother for 8 years everyday.

It may well be a male/female thing.

Sorry my thread was not more ...........human.

[mazie]

It is hard RATTER but for me there is no excuse not to spend precious time with our loved ones with Dementia. I went regularly to see my Mum in the care home, fortunately she remembered me to the end. When she was having bad days I found it really, really upsetting but they were the times she needed me most. I visited my Mum for over four years and all the other residents got to know me (well I was familiar as you say) and I came to love them as well and we had some great days, singing and playing games and acting generally Daft!... I loved it and miss them all so much :o(

[EcclesCake]

I was that child.

I found it incredibly difficult to not be recognised, to be talked about in front of others without my parent realising I was present, to be treated as a stranger who was intruding, to never find any common ground for a conversation, to not be able to offer any comfort because I was a 'stranger'.

Ratter, you have had ample training and much experience in dealing with dementia patients. Thankfully many of us children of dementia sufferers are inexperienced in dealing with the condition and find it painful, exhausting, deeply saddening, frustrating, consequently we don't all know how to cope. Some of us do and some of us don't.

I didn't cope and I hope I was never judged by the staff for not being able to cope. I did what I could and took what little solace I could from knowing I had found and was paying for a good nursing home that had a staff that could do what I could not.

[grasscarp]

I have visited my aunt several times since she had dementia. At first she did know me but after a while she didnt. She thought I was a nurse and asked me to put her to bed. I would continue to go if it was my parent and her children go, but as for me I really cant see the point any more. I have supported her a huge amount when she knew me and used to take her out every other week for years.

[Maydup]

^^^^^ beautifully put Eccles.

[bravejordy]

No, Ratter, you are not wrong, in fact you sound like a very understanding, not to mention sympathetic person to me. Care homes are getting a lot of bad press of late and it's nice to hear from someone who genuinely cares about these people. I can understand to some degree why their sons and daughters don't wish to visit them but it does not excuse them from doing so. They should make the most of the time while they're still here. I agree 100% with what you said that the people in care homes need their families more than ever and I think it's utterly irresponsible of them if they don't visit. It's almost as if some people take the attitude that they're the care home's responsibility now so their visits aren't necessary. Well done to you, Ratter, for being the caring person you are.

[mazie]

I think I may have felt like Eccles if it had got to the stage where Mum thought I was a stranger....I don't think I could have coped with that one

[woofgang]

Ratter....You really can't know what is going on in someone else's head, what they can cope with and what they genuinely cannot.

Judge not lest that ye be judged......

[tamborine]

Maybe a notice akin to coma patients "patients are aware of your visit".

You are right to be annoyed at family absence or neglect.

[pastafreak]

I don't think any of us can or should judge those who find it painful or difficult...until we are in their shoes. We all cope differently, and I find it dreadfully unkind to call those who can't manage visiting " irresponsible"...or that they may feel their visits aren't 'necessary'. I can't imagine trying/wanting to communicate with someone I loved,who is now an empty shell.

[viv38]

I have never been in this position and hope I never am, BUT I love and adore my elderly parents and cannot imagine not being there for them if they ever became this ill, as I suspect they would still need me in their lives.

[naomi24]

Some people don't care - and some just can't bear to see their loved-ones in that condition and watch them deteriorate. I know a wife who stopped visiting her husband when he stopped recognising her. So painful.

[EcclesCake]

Thank you Maydup.

Tamborine, your analogy is not really appropriate for many dementia patients.

[BlueToffee]

My uncle of 98 died a little over four years ago. He spent the last eighteen months of his life in an almost vegatitive state.

I visited him in the home twice weekly and was greatly gratified by the slight smile and twinkle in his eye when I arrived.

Of course it is hard to visit someone who, in the past, has been a very active, bright, well respected and loving person, but I'm sure he knew me when I visited, and that helped me cope with his debilitating illness

[AB Editor]

"Am I Wrong To Be Very Irritated At This?"

Yes, it's not your job to be irritated at someone else's feelings.

I know that my memories of my grandmother were tainted by seeing her in a advanced state of dementia. It was just a little old lady, not the woman who used to wipe my nose!

I know that on occasion I would forget about how she was before because the "new her" was imprinting over the old one.

But then, I went to see her regularly, so you probably wouldn't be complaining about me because you wouldn't be able to observe my feelings on the subject.

[joko]

i have had that said to me, whenever i have suggested visiting an elderly relative - that they dont know who i am, so it will be pointless to them

ive heard others say it too

i suppose if you love someone dearly it can be heartbreaking and disturbing to see them like that - and if they have no idea who you are or even know you are there and have even been there, then i can see why you would not want to visit very often... if every time you leave you are in tears and somewhat traumatised, all that is happening is one person gets hurt, for no real benefit.

if they still know who you are and know you are there, then i think people should definitely go

[RATTER15]

I fully accept both sides of the argument. Just because a person with dementia doesn't appear to recognise you, that doesn't mean to say that they don't recognise a friendly loving and warm response from you.

I will always feel irritated by the situation but that is maybe because I cant put myself in the position of a loved one not appearing to recognise me, I think if ever I was in that situation I would still visit him/her for their benefit if not my own.

I hope I haven't offended anybody with this thread, it wasn't my intention, just showing my frustrations I suppose.

[woofgang]

Ratter , one of the things AB is for is discussion and letting off steam..... But if there is NOTHING in your life that you couldn't bring yourself to do because it would be too painful, then you are a lucky man.

[RATTER15]

and yes I probably am wrong but it is the way I feel sometimes when I see residents sat vegetating and lonely and I know they have family that never come to visit living in the same town.