relationship turmoil

[truebluesky]

I have a problem in that I seem to have a deep seated fear that my relationship is doomed to come to an end at some point in the unforeseen future.  I am married and based on the way my husband and I get on there is no logical reason why I should have these feelings.  I dont understand why it is.  In my previous long term relationship i also had this fear of the relationship not lasting.  Indeed it did not last, as I ended it after six years of being together because we had drifted apart in many ways.

My husband now is a fantastic person and I feel terrible because I think I am gradually destroying what we have with this deep seated fear or insecurity. I hate myself for having this.  It is like a niggling thing that bugs me now and then.  At the moment I am pregnant with my first child, and the feeling has got worse, I think as a result of this.  I am scared that I will eventually be left to bring up a child on my own.  I have no good reason to think this. 

I was wondering if anyone had any ideas about how I could try to shake this destructiveness off.  I recently questioned my husband about whether he had been unfaithful to me while we had been together, as I know that he has contact with a lot of different women.  This was a terrible thing to basically accuse him of, because I have absolutely no reason to think it.  I feel like I am being slowly crippled by this stupid unfounded fear and I am absolutely desperate to find a way to find inner peace and just enjoy my pregnancy and my relationship. 

At the moment, my husband has understandably gone off me a bit, as I think he feels hurt and offended.  I feel so terrible and I am just keeping a low profile for now to give him space.  How can I possibly make this up to him?  I feel that I am going to end up making my worst fears become a reality by gradually driving him away. 

[portocat]

It is a difficult situation for both of you but I think that you are going to be honest with him about your insecurities without accusing him of anything.  Maybe speak to him about this fear that you have and explain that you realise it is pointless, and see if maybe together you can work through it so that you can reach a place of peace

[Scarlett]

Your anxiety and fears seem, and are unfounded and you know this. I think you should get some counselling to try to work out why it is that you feel so negatively about what sounds to me like a lovely relationship. It could of course, be pregnancy hormones making you feel even worse!

As a last resort you could go to see Paul McKenna- don't laugh!! This is exactly the sort of thing he can sort out!

[Englishbird]

Hi truebluesky, I can relate to this, during my last relationship I was constantly convinced that he would leave me.  Eventually we did split up, and in a rather twisted way, I felt justified!!

All this boils down to is your self esteem. I say 'all' like it's a walk in a park! I don't mean that....

Why should he stay with you? what have you got to give him? you're not really good enough are you, so surely at some point he's going to realise what a terrible mistake he's made and run off with someone else ... Any of that ring a bell?

Being pregnant makes the strongest women more vunerable, if you already have self esteem issues, it's bound to make you feel worse.

You need to look at some councilling or self esteem workshops, so that you can start loving yourself, and start believing that he loves you and wants to be with you.  I know this all sounds airy fairy, but trust me, it works - it's not easy! but it works.

I wish you loads of luck with your pregnancy and your soon to be new baby, if you can seek some help now for these issues, you'll enjoy your life so much more.

Big Hug x x

[truebluesky]

thanks for your advice.  I actually booked a counselling appointment earlier this week.  I am a bit nervous about it because i have never been for counselling before, but you are both right, I do need to sort myself out.  I think it probably does boil down to self esteem.  When we first met I felt brilliant about myself as I had just spent a couple of years living the single life and doing lots independantly and I loved life.  I still enjoy my life but things are a lot quieter now, and I dont feel as attractive as I once did.  I feel like I am living in domestic drudgery sometimes, and although I love my house etc, I dont think i spend enough time out of it doing exciting things.  I do work and stuff, exercise etc, but really thats about it.

I think I sort of think, I know he used to see a lot of women before we met, how can he be happy with just me now.  surely he needs more excitement.  I dont know.  I do need to work on myself and boost myself up, get believing in myself again.  It is hard, esp at the moment when I have just made a real idiot of myself by speaking to him about whether he has been unfaithful etc.  i feel like i am in the dog house, and rightly so. 

How can i make amends for my behaviour, i have said sorry but it seems like a hollow offering, although i do mean it. 

[Englishbird]

You are pregnant, and that alone should allow you a few mad moments!! We all do it! tell him that you think your pregnancy is making you feel vunerable and that you just need a little more re-assurance than normal.

Tell him you put the cutlery in the airing cupboard too (my friend did this), anything, but make him laugh and see that you just need a bit of support and that you're sorry for being a crazy woman.  I don't think you need space, I think you need support and understanding.  You're a partnership and nearly a family, it's as much his responsibility to help you with this.

My ex used to say that all women are mad sometimes, but the best thing about me was that i knew it ;o)

[truebluesky]

englishbird thank you so much for your help with this.  I feel loads better hearing your point of view.  I will try to stop being so hard on myself and relax a bit.  Hopefully once I can get everything off my chest with the counsellor next week I might be able to find some answers within myself about why I have self esteem issues. thanks for your help!