My Husband Abused His Brother When They Were Children (Trigger Warning)

[teenytiny]

My brother-in-law recently came to stay with us for a while he's a great guy and while my husband was at work were just casually talking but the the conversation got a little deeper and he revealed to me that when they were children my husband sexually abused him several times over the course of about six months. After that it had never happened again but it bothered him for several years until a point were he brought it up with my husband. They talked and cried about it and my husband seemed truly remorseful about it to him, and eventually my brother-in-law found peace with what my husband did, forgave him, and and now they have a good relationship where they hang out and talk with each other like brothers should. But now I feel very weird around my husband, I love him, he is my best friend and he is a good man who works hard and dreams of our future. My husband doesn't know his brother told me what happened and no matter what I do I it always seems to haunt me in the back of my mind, I think if his brother can forgive him so can I, but I feel weird and I don't know what to do. I just want things to go back to they way before because I don't want my disdain for what he did in his past to ruin our future.

[ummmm]

How old were they? What's the age gap?

[teenytiny]

My husband was 13 and his brother was around 9 or 10

[jourdain2]

'When they were children' are words which leap out, as well as the fact that they have talked, made peace and are now happy with their relationship with each other. You did not marry the child - you married the man into whom the child evolved. That relationship should IMO remain exactly the same. Suppose you had discovered that he had bullied the other chap - would that affect you or would you think that that was all in the past and outgrown?
I understand why you feel weird, by the way, but I really think that this is one to rise over and forget. :)

[ummmm]

Hmmm....I was hoping you were going to say younger than that so you could forgive him as being too young to not know how wrong it was.

Very very difficult situation.

[Old_Geezer]

Only you can be responsible for how you feel. It may help to realise that none of us are the same person as we were as kids. And both he and his brother accept that the incidents are a thing of the past, that neither are prisoners of that, and can move on. Your husband is still the same person you first got to know, or at least near to it. Not the one who did wrong when much younger. But you can only wait and see if you can come to terms with the new knowledge you now have.

[mazie]

Why don't to discuss it with him?

[jourdain2]

Ummm - 13, if a young 13 - is still immature. About that time hormones would have been flooding in. I don't condone, but we don't know what sort of education or family surroundings were available, so I'm inclined to err on the 'wrong but understandable' side, given that the involved parties are now quite comfortable with the situation.

[gness]

Why did your brother in law find it necessary to tell you......and are you absolutely sure he's being truthful?

[ummmm]

Jourdain - I know. I just don't how I'd feel.

[anneasquith]

I wonder why the brother divulged that information ?

[Old_Geezer]

Clearly wrong: but 13 is still not an adult. Knowing it was wrong is one thing. Having the ability to control that behaviour not be gained until later. It's about accepting the man rather than the abusive child.

[anneasquith]

Oops. Sorry G.

[Togo]

Move on teenytiny, why would bil "confide" in you now after he says they are reconciled and good with each other. He may have a deeper motive, is he as successful and happy with his life as your husband? He should have spoken to your husband first or mentioned this when the three of you were together.

[Old_Geezer]

Alternatively if they are now on good terms what would the brother benefit from lying ? Whatever the reason for mentioning it, until shown to be untrue it seems reasonable to give it the benefit of the doubt.

[Maydup]

You have to discuss it with him. Do it soon before it becomes sore.

Whether it was intentional or accidental, your brother in law has pushed a wedge between you and your husband and you need to prevent it going in any deeper.

[teenytiny]

I do want to discuss it with him but I also don't want to put a wedge between my husband and his brother. And there is a little context behind the story that makes it much more understandable but still not okay, they both had bad upbringing and my husband was physically abused and neither of them had people to go to when they were in trouble. And I think his brother told me about it because I said something about how my husband has trouble communicating and his brother tried to blame his inability to communicate on their childhood which eventually lead down that path. His brother apologized to me for saying it and told me he wished he never did. He's afraid he ruined our relationship. I'm just terribly confused.

[gness]

I see, Teeny......I wouldn't know what to advise you really......I don't know you and your husband.....but I know this from experience.......

....things are better out in the open.....they were for me. Made such a difference to my relationships with folk.....

But will that work for you? Could it get things back to how the way they were.... to how you felt before.....I really don't know...but I wish you well.....x

[jourdain2]

Sounds to me as if all of you are wanting to put the past firmly behind and go for a happy future. All of you will have things to push aside; my advice is to go for the sunrises, all 3 of you. This may need one short , brave, conversation. Bonne chance. :)

[david small]

At 13 sexual curiosity, self exploration, are common. He experimented using someone he felt close to. Strange as it may sound this is not as unusual as you may think. He grew past it, repressed it, so did his brother. Emotionaly confused they buried the memory's until they eventually confided in each other.
It was a deeply personal thing between them that they have resolved. Let it go.
The man he is now is a million miles from the young boy. He's matured, and learned from his past. Forget this confused past misdirection. Say nothing, don't torment yourself. You cannot alter what is past. Let it lie and die there.

[mastercraft]

The next time you speak to your brother in-law, read David Small's post to him, tell him that being molested for six months was just the result of his brother's curiosity... And it is all acceptable.