I’ve felt like I’ve been in some kind of living hell for the longest time. Things haven’t seemed to make sense at all, it’s seemed like I experienced so many horrible things (to me and externally) and I feel so confused, lost and in pain right now. It’s seemed like my life hasn’t been going ‘naturally’ so far. I’ve also had a lot of suicidal thoughts, impulses and actions so far. I really only want what’s best for the greater good in life. Feel free to ask follow up questions if something important is unclear. I really appreciate your help.
Are you UK based? Otherwise it is difficult for us to help. There are phone lines 'The Samaritans' who will give counsel and be there at any time. When you are unable to articulate because the thoughts you are having are so very powerful - I think you should see your doctor and tell him/her that it is urgent. Talking therapy should help.
If it helps - I had urges to drive my car at speed into a tree at one point in my life. Now, thankfully that is well behind me.
Things often don't make much sense as far as our expectations are concerned. We accept and make the most of what we have and experience. I think you'd be most helped by talking over whatever troubles you, with someone. Far better than someone telling you what you need and giving some favoured process that may not fit your situation. Post further if you feel it helpful, but being with someone, talking and unburdening yourself should be better. Or do both.
When im feeling low I do things that i know make me happy....I listen to my favourite music....I eat my Fav food....I watch a tv show i like...I read a book....I go for a walk in the sun....I phone a friend.....So my advice is to do something you like to do