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Alerts To Threats In 2013 Europe

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WyeDyed | 19:41 Sat 31st Aug 2013 | Jokes
21 Answers
From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.


Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."


The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.


Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person


And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

Life is too short...
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This joke is appalling. Playing to national stereotypes that are old and outdated and were never true anyway. People who write this material, and those who laugh at it, ought to be ashamed of themselves. (Well, I couldn't disappoint Kramer now, could I?)
20:05 Sat 31st Aug 2013

that is pure gold
I'm not a John Cleese fan but that was marvelously funny. Bravo.
still funny... not sure some of the people involved would agree...
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I did suspect that it may be a fake but I don't think it really matters.
It's good whoever wrote it IMHO
No doubt we'll have the politically correct sandlewearers in here to pout and force their views down our throats in a few moments emmie.
agree its very good, it's an update on the current situation....
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Thanks for the link, bye the way Emmie :)
i like the Belgians, make good chocolate.
i remembered parts of it, i think it might have been the Spanish bit, not sure, but well worth a rerun.
As to America, shoot first and don't ask questions later.
This joke is appalling. Playing to national stereotypes that are old and outdated and were never true anyway. People who write this material, and those who laugh at it, ought to be ashamed of themselves.

(Well, I couldn't disappoint Kramer now, could I?)
hope that was tongue in cheek...
Without wishing to come across as too po-faced I agree with jim.
And actually the following may need some revision given very recent events :-)

"The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." "
Actually that post was dripping with sarcasm, but granted it's difficult to tell when there's just text. I'd hoped that the last comment might give the game away...
Many a true word spoken in sarcasm jim :-)

John Cleese might sue I think...
ichkeria if they are all as tall as ex President Sarkosy they'll have no trouble hiding behind the Yanks.

Brilliant lol.
Good one
Very witty,I thoroughly enjoyed reading that.
Enjoyed that - very entertaining with perhaps a grain of truth here and there?

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