When is enough enough???

[sasserina]

Long story but shortened as much as poss...I am 32 yr old female been with my fella for 17 years, we have 3 beautiful kids, our eldest girl is severe special needs ( very very demanding ) she is 15, our son is 7 and our 3rd child is a girl aged 3 and half. I love my fella so much but he has never treated me how I should be treated, in fact no one likes him and every one tells me to leave him. He is a robot doesnt smile, doesnt interact with the kids blah blah blah. We got married last year ( I stupidly thought it would "change" us, etc etc,) 3 weeks after wedding we split, he moved out, I stated i didnt love him, but then wanted him back. This sounds so messed up, sorry tears are stinging my eyes, you cant write all you want to on the internet..After 7 weeks we got back together but then he dropped the bombshell he had slept with 3 other women. I am better about that now, last october i was totally messed up !!! the problem i have is he is just so so so horrible to me, constantly shouting, calling me names, surely if you love someone you do not treat them this way. Sorry, could say so much but dont know where to start, theres just so much to say. I suppose my question is...realistically how should a man treat a woman...I know he treats me wrong but how do I break free from his spell...how do i stop loving.....please help me someone...I know this is a messed up thread but My head is all over the place...have so many things to write but on here it doesnt come across very well.....thankyou

[sleepyj]

u poor thing .how can u 4 give him , he slept with 3 other women .u can do better than him u only live once if ur not happy dosome thing about it now .i know 2 wrongs dont make a right but i would want 2 get my own back on him and cheat on him with some 1 else .but that prob wont make u feel any better about things ur only 32 and u been with him 17 years so u was young when u got togetter .do u know the women he slept with?

[sasserina]

I was 16 when we got together. Its been turbulant pretty much from the start yet i can not shake him from my system, I tried last year for those weeks and failed. I don't want to be with him but don't want him to be with anyone else, that so does not make sense. It sickened me when he did what he did, and no, I did not know them.

[Goodsoulette]

I take it he slept with the three other women whilst you had split up. There isn't much you can say about that. It's not nice to think about but lots of people do this sort of thing when they split from someone. I expect despite how he treats you he was hurting too and thats why he did it.

If he is constantly shouting at you and isnt treating you the way you want to be treated but you still feel you truely love him and that you want to stay with him, then maybe you guys could try relate for some relationship counselling. It might work.

As for how a guy should treat a woman, well thats different from case to case surely. He should make you feel special and loved but how he can do that, I dont know.

[sasserina]

I think I could do better than him I am fairly intelligent, not unattractive, im slightly over weight at a 16 but im working on it lol, but the thing that doesnt go in my favour is 3 kids one being special needs....who would even consider looking at me twice ???

[sasserina]

I have asked him to go to relate....he refused point blank....

[Goodsoulette]

No guy that you should want to be with will care about you having kids. It might scare them for a bit, but you dont involve your children at the start of a new relationship. Its not fair on anyone.

Its not like you are going to dump your husband then meet someone else straight away. You need some you time and find out what you like. You do not need a man to survive, if you are sure you unhappy with your husband.

[sasserina]

I feel that the kids do suffer, my 3 old will point out that " daddys not mummys friend " bless her !!! I also am like a single parent as he offers me not one iota of support...I do everything.....I know we should not be together but its just breaking that pattern....climbing that first rung of the ladder...I do not mean to blow my own trumpet btw by mentioning me doing everything but its true...people will say "how the hell do you do what you do " i see it as normal and it NEEDS to be done. They say " sarah if it was me coping with what you have to then I would crumble" I obviously dont have the strength they think or i would start a new happy life....maybe its the fear of the unknown...i dunno...

[sleepyj]

ii have been with my partner for 17 years i was 17 when we met .i have 2 kids .the problem is when u have kids u spend so much time on them u for get each other coz all time and energy goes on kids .u need 2 give ur 15 yr old a lot off time it cant be easy 2 spend time with him .maybe he feels like hes not needed .but he should off never gone off with other women .NO WAY .as they say u dont know what u have got till its gone .as u have spent half ur life with him u prob feel like u cant live with out him but u will get use 2 it .u say he dont bother with kids much any way so u sound like u cope with kids on ur own .ur young so DONT THINK no 1 else will want u they will .

[sleepyj]

we went 2 relate it was rubbish i found it more help talking 2 friends .but i know others that went 2 relate it helped them .if u do split stay on ur own 4 a while and clear ur head and have some FUN being single

[sasserina]

thankyou I hope you are right. I dont think i have ever experienced real love in a relationship, well i have for sure given it but not felt it back, one day I hope to....at the moment I am quashed, feel like i just want to stare at the wall.feel kind of washed out. I dont like the way i feel. would never consider ever writing such stuff on the internet but tonight felt it my only option....daft as it sounds...

[noxlumos]

If I were you I'd break the problem down into lots of smaller ones something along the lines of this if at all possible.
1. Try and get some regular assistance with your kids aprticularly your oldest daughter. Some respite care even if only for a few hours either from an agency or friends and family will help give you time for yourself.
2.Consider carefully whether jealousy motivates you. You seem very wrapped up in the idea that you don't want anyone else to "have him". If he's not for you, then fair enough, but it's not appropriate for you to worry after what he's doing if you split up.
3. The women he slept with are of no bearing on your future, you must disregard that if you are to have one together or apart.Hanging onto past hurts and slights will only drag you down.
4.Is there any way he'll really talk to you? Often we men show our emotions either badly or not at all, but it doesn't mean we don't have them. Anger is often the only emotion some men feel comfortable showing no matter what they might be feeling, so if there's any way at all to get him to communicate, please try and use it.
5. If you want out, then treat him like you would a drug addiction. Avoid him like the plague, fill your days with positive steps towards your future and work towards goals.
6. Remeber you are entitled to be happy. It wouldn't put me off a woman just because she had a disabled child (I have a son whose deaf and another whose ASD), most men are not as shallow as you'd suppose, so after a period alone, learning who YOU are again, of course there is someone out there for you.
7. You have a future, you just need to choose what it is and act slowly and calmly towards it, without jealousy or resentment.Don't use your valuable energy on anything negative.
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time,pretty much every situation where people are unhappy can be improved upon, you just need to make the decisions to make it happen and

[raysparx1]

Hi sasserina,

I am very sorry to hear how this wazzock has treated you, I won't call him a man cos he isn't a man, he is a self obsessed pillock, a lady should be treated with respect,curtesy & love, you have enough to deal with having three children you don't need a fourth, you know he doesn't love you, you would be better off without him, I know it is easy for me to say this but he does not deserve the love you give, I really hope you can sort this out, you have to for your own sanity & health, good luck, Ray xx

[maximo]

Everything Nox said, sweetheart. Do it now, before it's too late. He doesn't deserve you. You're stronger than that, and you know it. You deserve better.

We're here to listen, don't ever feel shy hun, there are a lot of good people here. Here, have a cuddle! ((xxx)).

[lastchance]

This could have been me writing this 9 years ago, but I only stayed in the relationship for 9 years also. Get out of this mentally abusive relationship now, don't waste any more time on this idiot. Yes there will always be a bond to him as he is your kids father and like me you wanted it to be a happily family unit. Your kids will have a much secure life with you, trust me it is not good for them to be brought up like this, do you want your kids to end up with partners like him? as they will see this as the norm. Me and my kids have a great time now and when they see there dad he is better with them as he doesn't see them to often. Good luck.

[Dozy_Mare]

Hello Sasserina, I agree with everything that everyone has written but I also wanted to say that I was in an abusive relationship for nearl for years. He pulled and pushed me around, I was constantly covered in bruises (not where anyone could see), my self esteem was at an all time low, he never had a nice thing to say to me, constant shouting and name calling etc. I became severely depressed and never left the house for nigh on 3 years. For a long time I didn't want him but I didn't want anbody else to have him as much as I hated him. 6 months ago he cheated on me with someone that moved into the room that I used to rent years previously, after 2 months of me not talking to him and us going our seperate ways he came round and I fell in love with him again. I wanted him back so badly that at one point I was very close to suicide. Now 6 months down the line I am SO OVER him. What I wanted to say is that you deserve and CAN HAVE so much better than him. Although you don't feel like you can at the moment those feelings will pass, you have had years of him not being very nice to you and I would imagine that your self esteem is low as well. Kick him to the curb girl, isn't it time that you were happy and to be honest re: your children I have found that people around our age (I'm assuming we are roughly the same age) tend to have kids nowadays anyway, they are much better off without him and it's his loss. What he has done and the fact that you are not really together anymore will hurt for a while but I promise you it does and will get better and you will look back and kick yourself for wasting so much of your time and so many tears on him. Be happy : )

p.s On a lightner note my ex's new girlfriend has had him arrested for domestic violence, given him an STD and got him hooked on drink and drugs in the 6 months that they've been together.

[Carakeel]

sasserina, you are in a situation that many of us here do understand and we are all here for you. I know what spousal abuse is as I too have been there. You need to know sasserina, you do not have to put up with this!!! It is simply NOT acceptable for anyone to treat you in this way, especially not your partner! You have every right to be treated with respect, dignity, love and caring and to be treated like an intelligent adult. It is very hard to make the decision to go it alone with three children. I did it and it was the best thing for me as well as for my kids. Remember, verbal abuse often can lead to physical abuse and you do NOT want to let it become that. Even verbal abuse is very frightening for children to witness and you should never be treated in a way that intimidates you. So, kick him out once and for all! You are a good woman with a intelligent head on your shoulders! You will be fine on your own. In fact you might find, as I did, that you discover all manor of hidden strengths and capabilities you didn't realise you had before. I do think that you should not go looking for another partner though, at least not for quite a while. Learn first to value and like yourself as a person and as a mother. You will be surprised at how many men appreciate a woman who has "found herself" and isn't actually out on the hunt for a man. You will some day find the kind of man who is not at all put off by a woman having three or even more children, disabled or not. There are plenty of lovely gentlemen out there and the one for you and your children will find you when the time is right! It happened to me and I have never been happier in all my life.

So, how should a woman be treated by a man? A woman should at all times be treated with great respect for her mind, her intelligence, her views and her feelings. She should be treated with a caring, loving touch; with a soft voice and a generous heart. How should a man be treated by a woman? In exactly the

[Carakeel]

continuation ... I have been with my partner for 20 months now (living together for 14 months), with only one weekend apart. We are both very easy-going and have never in all this time fallen out or even had a sharp word. We don't always share the same views but both find it easy to compromise.
Give yourself time and you will find that you will have a far happier life, whether on your own with your kids or with a new man in your lives who will appreciate you for the lovely strong woman you are becoming and your children for the precious gifts they are! A BIG HUG and best wishes :o) xx