Friends and Money

[beenee]

I need some advice please. A very good friend of mine is notoriously forgetful/unaware/tight with her money. I have lent her cash a number of times and she always says 'I'll pay you right back' and sometimes mentions randomly 'I know I must owe you some' but never hands over what she owes. She usually takes the route of buying me 'a coffee' or 'a drink' thinking that even things up, and me being embarassed about asking for my money outright or letting her pay for all my coffees, feel bad and offer to buy the next round, which brings my situation to square one. Also, frankly I'd prefer to get hard cash back rather than in caffiene form

Also, sometimes to make transactions easier at the till I offer (like an idiot, I know) to pay on my card, asking for her share of the cash in return, but never get it. I just feel petty asking for �5 or so, but with her, it adds up! She often discusses her money problems with me, but must know that I'm not especially well off either!

How can I nicely (a) ask for the money she owes me back? (She borrowed a good 6-7 months ago and probably doesnt even remember and so I'm apprehensive about asking her for the exact amount, as if I've been keeping track). (b) avoid paying more than my share when she's around everytime?

I don't want to lose her as a friend.

[dj_ajax]

I somehow doubt she is unaware or forgetful about it i would put it down to being tight straight and simple. Perhaps the next time she says "I know i must owe you some" why don't you tell her how much she owes you. If she doesn't like it then perhaps shes too selfish to be a good friend to you. Instead of paying for the next round next time say your short of money for some reason and so she has to buy them for you without you paying. You may want her as a friend but what good is a friend who isn't trustworthy or reliable?

[Pixidust]

I know someone just like your friend and I've found one of the best things to do to avoid further problems is not to pay using my cards when around her - I always make sure I have cash on me before we meet for coffees etc. It's an awful situation to find oneself in, particularly when the friend concerned is an otherwise good one. I've found a tactful way to approach the subject is to not discuss specific amounts and times when I paid etc as this may make your friend defensive - then, if you're anything like me, you end up feeling like you're the one being selfish and wish you'd never mentioned it, lol. If a suitable situation arises, one possible approach to getting some recompense without causing WWIII, would be to turn the tables a little and go for a nice meal etc and when the bill arrives find that you've 'accidentally forgotten your card/brought the wrong purse out/left your purse at home in another bag etc etc' and your friend will be forced to cover the bill - then say how grateful you are to her for bailing you out and you may as well call it quits for what she owes you rather than give her the money back 'as you're not even sure what she owes you anyway but they're bound to be about the same amounts?'...this turns the tables on your friend who is unlikely to say she knows precisely what her debt is to you and if she counts the pennies over covering your bill on this occasion she risks sounding very hypocritical. It's a tricky situation & I wish you every luck that you sort it out without losing a good friend but if all else fails just calmly address the problem openly with her .... if she's a true friend she should understand....if she flys of the handle at you, perhaps you'd be better off without her? best wishes & good luck

[apricot]

This 'friend' is taking you for a mug. For the sake of your self respect you need to take a stand. You seem to be a better friend to her than she is to you. Tell her you're not prepared to GIVE her any more money and if she has a problem with this then maybe your friendship should end. Be quiet but assertive and see what happens.

[paulz]

Couldn't agree more with what others have said. Next time you meet up, say "when will you be able to pay me back what you owe?" One of wife's school chums - out of the blue after 40 odd years, bumped into her in town. She had the brass neck to turn up on the doorstep ask for a fiver, then a week later did the same without paying the first "loan" back. Fortunately it was me second time around - she was only after a loan to go to the Offy!! 'koff was my reply!!

[football]

Don't lend what you can't afford. The same applies to gambling games.

[trionam]

Its easy for every one to say just tell her what she owes you but I'd imagine thay your friend will become very defensive if you do this, ive been in a similar position myself before and decided to just cut my losses and made sure never to lend money to her again.we are still great friends but had i made a big deal about the money I doubt we would be.Another thing if you mention an exact amount your friend is likely to throw back in your face that you have been keeping tabs all along but you have not mentioned it until now. ( Its still no excuse but thats what shes likely to think.)Hope it works out!

[bernardo]

Decide: Do you prefer her as a friend OR do you prefer the money? You obviously can't have both. If you can afford "lending" her money occasionally, then getting it back is not so important, if you want to stay friends.

[beenee]

Thank you everyone for some excellent bits of advice! I've decided not to bring up what she owes but may use Pixidust's suggestion of getting her to pay for a meal and that would be that. I know I don't have to do this, but I don't want to resent my friend forever. Also, I'll be sure to have cash every time I shop with her.

Thank you again!

[secretspirit]

I think I might try some of these too because I've got a friend like that and if you're buying rounds she will go without a drink rather than buy a round!!!

[Kev_UK]

You cannot buy REAL friends. Tell her you need the money back (or part of it) as something has turned up. You will soon see if she is a real friend by her attitude. A real friend would sell something to get the money to pay back a friend. I had "friends" like that when I was younger, but I sacked them all as I was simply a mug. How does she react when you do not lend her money? P.S. If you have spare money that you dont want, I will gladly take it off you LOL

[meagain]

Just say 'remember that money I lent you in ......., please can i have it now as I am short myself. End of the week will be fine, thanks, I know you'd understand.' Then change the subject. Then on thursday or so, text her a reminder, and arrange to meet somewhere. If she doesn't give it to you, call her everyday till she does. I did this to a friend, and in the end she got so fed up with me she coughed up. She was more embaressed about it than me in the end, but she has never asked for money again!

[TommyC]

Just want to say I'm so utterly impressed with all the suggestions here to such a very difficult and sensitive situation. AB'ers are such SMART people..!! My own gut feeling for what it's worth is that you are in fact being taken for a ride, Beenee, by this sponging, selfish woman who obviously couldn't care less about the hardship to you or your mixed and confused emotions. We've ALL known people like this at some point in our lives, and they are the same with everyone - just out for what they can get totally free of charge or comeback. I eventually wised up to just not parting with any more money - and I never saw that "friend" again, but it was no real loss. I sincerely hope it works out well for you.