why do grandparents only care about the first born???

[onlyme26]

hmmm im wondering and trying to find out why ( in majority cases) do grandparents seem to favour the first born,
my daughter is 7 and in my family my nephew is the favourite, and in my partners family his eldest is the favourite!
this is unfair on my daughter, i have come to terms with it now but i wonder why is this???
my mum and dad arent too bad but my nephew is quite clearly the little boy they never had!

but my partners mum just ignores my daughter basically!! she spoils the first born ( my partners daughter now 10) buys her clothes, toys, dvds pretty much every week, takes her to the zoo, she even has her own zoo membership! she comes to stay with us 2 nights a week but most of the time she is with my partners mum!! and my daughter gets nothing, nevers gets invited out, no phone calls, nothing really, she is starting to notice and wonder why?????
she is nan to both of them? so why favour one so much?

i have had to folk out thousands in the past for child care ( while i work) as my mum and dad are dedicated to picking up my nephew to and from school and my partners mum dedicated to picking up his eldest!!
the sad thing is, she doesnt have a nanny to spoil her like they do :o(

[blogpuffle]

Hi
Being a nan of 3 myself all of them get treated the same,although i must say the eldest does get a little bit more preferential treatment as he was born at 23 weeks ! but apart from that they are all loved and treated exactly the same.Im not sure why some grandparents have a favourite grandchild,i mean you dont treat your own children any different so why do it to the grandchildren ?

[onlyme26]

exactly! i have another on the way and i will spoil and make a fuss over this baby just the same as i did my first!!

but again this baby will have no nanny to fuss over them!!

i wish you were my kids nanny!! lol x

[joggerjayne]

Blogpuffle ...

Well done for being a great nan

And for having the best user name on AB !!!

[petal54]

is is an old ,semi joking,chestnut in our family,i'm 2nd of 2 girls 7 my sis can do no wrong,& her son who she had(month after i had my son so as not to be 'left out',not with the fathernow,only a fling to get pregnant,so her son is a d- & mine not) nephew got private education ,my son ok in stste school,although my son is one who my parents see all time & love to bits,G is carrying on 'the name'.my views are not taken notice of,etc

[whiskeysheri]

I don't think it's true in all cases, onlyme. My grandparents on my mum's side have eleven grandchildren (and eleven great-grandchildren so far...), but my grandma clearly favours two of them (one of them being my younger sister) and treats them very differently to the rest of us. She's often told off for it by my mum and auntie.

Although, having said all that, my nan on my dad's side has told me lots of times that I'm her favourite (and I've told her off for it!). She does have a soft spot for my little brother (her only grandson), though.

I think you ought to talk to your partner's mum, onlyme, and explain how this makes you feel.

[annie0000]

My mum has 7 kids, 12 grandchildren (age from 32 to 6) and 2 great granchildren (age 5 and 2 and another on the way soon) and she treats them all the same - Obviously she does have some that she gets on better with - as we all have people whose personalities fit ours better. However, she loves them all the same and she is very careful to ensure that they all get the same in terms of gifts. My sisters kids live the closest, so she sees them more and they obviously get the odd sweetie or penny form her, so she even posts my kids a little something from time to time. I cant imagine it any differently. She sees them all as special in their own way.

[andy-hughes]

There is an element of novelty in a first grandchild which can carry on, but is definitely wrong to blatently treat them differently.

In my experience with two grandchildren, it is the younger one who gets more attention because he is three, and his twelve-year-old sister is more independent and more likely to do her own thing.

That said, I make a special point of getting her on her own for a 'one to one' chat, and make sure she gets some unique attention that way. I think balance is important.

Being a grandparent is fabulous, all the fun, none of the downsides - why spoil it by being different with one grandchild over another?

[onlyme26]

oh believe me i have tried to talk to her in the past hundreds of times!! and resulted in us constantly falling out thats why i give up and except it now!!
she sees nothing wrong! she says she loves them the same and doesnt favour the eldest!! tho in this case actions quite clearly speak louder then words,
its a long and boring story to be honest, but i have learnt to except it now.
its just difficult because the kids are at that age now where they know exactly what goes on, so my daughter is fully aware that her older half sister is the favourite, she doesnt seem to get bothered as she is a little mummys girl!!

[whiskeysheri]

Awww! :( Has your partner not noticed it or said anything to his mum?

[petal54]

parteners & their mums! male ones any way,not that my other is 3 bad,as he's one of 7(5 boys)

[onlyme26]

thanks andy, you always have great words of wisdom!
it is unfair, but i guess she has been more of a mother to her then a nan, just like my mum has been more of a mother then a nan to my nephew

i guess i just did things right by looking after my own and not depending on the grandparents and my daughter loves me and her dad soooo much!! and it clearly shows a true difference,

i am lucky very lucky.

just a shame things are like this, i dont speak much with my partners mum, i find is hard to forgive and i feel so bitter about it, and makes things awkward, ill like to make up how can i do this when i feel so bitter towards her!!!?? :o(

[terambulan]

Have 3 g/kids and luv em all but do give more attention to eldest as the parents put more responsibility on her.

She watches out for younger siblings, fetches & carries for them and the first to be blamed of their mis-deeds. She stands by forlorn when rebuked by parents for siblings rows/fighting etc. So Granparent sweeps her up to comfort her!

[onlyme26]

my partner has said things in the past but you need to understand she is a very stubborn lady, she wont listen to anyone, she does what she pleases full stop, he says you shouldnt favourite one more then the other and she just responds with, "well you favourite one of daughters" bla bla, he doesnt favourite our daughter, he just happens to live with us and i think his mum feels jealous that we live as a family unit, but his eldest lives with her mum and her little brother, and stays with us 2 nights a week, so she isnt left out by us AT ALL,
like i said there is a lot of crap to this story and way too long to explain on here.

i just wanted some grandparents views on this?

[coccinelle]

I think your partner's Mum is making up for the fact your partner's (so her son's) eldest daughter doesn't live with her Dad. If he left, maybe this is her way of making amends. You say this daughter lives with her brother, is this your partner's son? Does he get your partner's Mum's attention too?
Most grandparents who have favourites try to make up for problems within the family. Your daughter in her eyes has all the love and attention she needs. My grandmother used to look after my cousins as their mother didn't bother much, this took up a lot of time and money however, she was always loving towards me & my sisters. HTH

[onlyme26]

no her little brother is someone else child, he is only 4, like i said she lives at home with her mum and little brother, comes to stay with us 2 days a week, but does spend most of her time with her nan ( my partners mum) i see what you are saying, yes looks like she is making up, but to be honest there is much to make up for, my partner has a one brother no sisters, so when she was born she was the first grandchild and a little girl, my partner split with her mum at 3 months old, and my partners mum kind of took over, trying to make all the descions behind his back and picking her up without even telling him! i met my partner when the little girl was about 2, and already her nan ( my partners mum) mothered her!
my partner said he felt left out and never got updated on anything, he was living with his mum at the time, so her house her rules, everything was on her terms, she treated her grandgrand as if she was her own! so when he met me, she didnt want me around, she didnt want his attention taken off his daughter ( which is never was) and when i got pregnant, she got worse, she just had a go all the time, as we moved in to gether! its not possible for his eldest to live with us as she lives with her mum and now her little brother, she wouldnt give her up! i feel my partners mother resents me having a child! i give up!!

[mrs_overall]

My delightful (!) mother in law would do anything for my eldest & youngest children (both boys) but she can't be bothered with my middle child (girl).
She's always said she could only cope with one of my kids at a time. She's taken the boys on loads of outings, had them to stay overnight etc but has never done this with my daughter.
I once sat down with her to thrash the problem out. Her reply will stay with me for ever.
"I can't stand little girls. They deserve to have their stupid faces smacked."
My daughter is now a teenager and is the only girl on Mr O's side of the family. Mother in law is now frail and keeps inviting her to stay but my daughter will have none of it.
I take the view that it's their loss.

[onlyme26]

bloody hell!! thats terrible!! what a cow???? thats even worse tho in your situation, i mean at least this isnt pushed in my daughter face every day of the week as the eldest dosent live with us!

christ id of smacked her in the face and stopped her seeing the boys if that was me lol

[horselady]

That's sad. As andy-hughes says, there is novelty and huge excitement when the first one is on the way, which you don't quite feel again, but I certainly treat my grandchildren all the same. I always remember my own mum saying about her own 8 grandchildren "I might not like them all the same, but I love them all the same"

[Ice.Maiden]

My grandparents on both sides are fantastic people. They've never openly shown any favouritism. They love children, and each one was welcomed as much as the next. In turn, it's now spread to their growing brood of great grandchildren, and I hope I'll do the sme one day. x

[pinktwink]

my granma is 85 and loves all her grandchildren. Sure she is closer to some of us as we see more of her and have spent more time with her as we are older. In fact she's been like my second mom. Whilst she has different relationships with all of us we all get the same at xmas and birthdays. However mypaternal grandma was not at all in to her grandchildren I guess it depends on each family