Issues with my hubby.....!

[Lorzy Lor]

Hey all, hoping some one can help me here!!!! I have been married for 8 yrs to a lovely (but hard work) bloke, we have a two yr old, I stay at home to look after him. I used to work full time. I think I am slowly becoming insane!!!!

I love being with my little one, but feel I have no life, don't meet new people etc etc. My hubby doesn't sleep well, and often goes back downstairs or stays downstairs when i go up. It has come to my attention that my hubby watches porn on line and on his mobi with much more regularity than before, also, he is chatting to this girl from China on msn till like 4am rather often. (its friendly, quite flirty more from her side, she doesn't know I exist and he refers to my brother as his brother when telling her stuff�..)

We have had a brief chat about it, where I said it was a mate's problem and what does he think�.! Obvious I know! However, I need to know how to deal with this. I know the porn is inevitable, and I have to just deal with it, but how? I know most blokes watch it and it has no bearing on how he feels about me, but surely, it would appeal more to blokes to have sex with their partner instead of watching porn? or am i wrong? I'm attractive and slim��.!

Is my annoyance about these issues because I don't have enough to do other than looking after the little one, housework (bler bler bler) and have next to no contact with the opposite sex?

I don't really know what to do about it. It's really getting me down, and I feel like I should to stay up with him, to try and stop this communication with this girl and the porn thing. Ahhh, its doing my head in, I'm not as confident as I used to be, and feel down. I feel like he's rather chat to others than me. I know its my problem, and I need to change, but no matter what I tell myself (it doesn't matter, he's with me etc etc) my head just keeps on going over it again and again!

Please help!!!! How can I make

[weeal]

oh not a nice situation and you should discuss it as 'his' problem and not a 'friend's problem ! what did he say when you discussed it as if it was someone elses problem??

[Yvaines09]

I refer to my earlier comment in a thread about the internet and mobile phones being the weapons of indiscretion. How many of us, if we are honest, are happy with the people in our partners' mobiles or who they chat to on the internet? A friend of mine got upset because her hubby had a friend on MSN down as "Big T*ts" - all innocent. I asked her how he would feel if she had a mate on there called "Dave Big D*ck" - seemingly she said that and he took her off!

Seriously, flirty chat when you are married is questionable.

[HJT40]

I think I can relate to at least some of this, so here goes... please bear with me!

I was on my own when I had my daughter, but when she was 8 months old, I met a new partner. Now I too was at home all day looking after my daughter and he went out to work, He would talk about work, girls at work, etc etc. But by this time I felt brain dead and as though I had nothing to offer by way of conversation. He never asked about my day and I felt totally worthless, to myself. Then he would go across the pub and talk to a girl from work, while I cooked dinner and he too ended up sleeping downstairs on the sofa. I finished the relationship.

My turning point was going back to work, playing with the grown ups again, coming home with my head buzzing, better for me and better for my daughter. I met him, purely by chance, just after I had been offered my job and I was a different person and knew that I had more to offer. I felt 200% better in myself and about myself. I stopped worrying about how other people were and made the effort to feel good about myself.

If I am totally honest I think being at home made me depressed, which didn't help.

First things first. Forget hubby for a while. What would make you happy? Going back to work full time/part time? Interacting with grown ups?

I know that I would not be happy putting up with the things you do, nothing causes a bigger gap in a relationship than when you lose the intimacy of even talking or sleeping in the same bed.,

But first of all you have to think of you. What do you want? Do it for yourself and who knows he may even be a bit interested in what has changed you.

Hope this makes sense, good luck.

[liquidspace]

I wish I had the answer to this one. Its something that I personally cannot deal with from my partner. Every day that he is off work and I am not there he watches porn and pleases himself, he takes little notice of me in that department and I feel totally left out and unloved etc.
I do stay up with him to stop him doing it, I dont go to bed even if I am shattered! There is always a time when he can though as he gets lots of days off when I am at work.

I dont know how to make it feel right. and I have been battling for years As far as I know my partner doesnt chat to anyone (although I dont know). That to me is more personal and could lead to other things, I guess your husband is webcamming with this person that he chats with. At the end of the day all you can do is talk to him, if you don't it will carry on.

[Velvetee]

Mine is currently in his office, on Facebook listening to the relationship problems of some woman at work. Don't know why she just doesn't get divorced if she's so unhappy.

Like you say most men like porn and my partner is always downloading films, but it doesn't really bother me, as I'm quite partial to it myself.

The problem does seem to be that you appear to have grown apart and are living separate lives. Perhaps you need to actively spend more time together alone and as a family and do things together.

Often men find it difficult or impossible to talk to their wives or partners about their problems and find it easier to confide in complete strangers, it would appear.

[Velvetee]

Having read HJT40 post, I would agree with what she said. Perhaps you do need to start thinking about what you want in your life and going back to work will make you feel more confident and worthy.

I'm looking forward to not working afte baby is born in June, but who's to say how I'll feel in a year or so.

[Lorzy Lor]

Hey, thanks for your answers!

Its def not a nice situation at all! When we chatted about it, i was having a down day, had been quite emotional! He got really frustrated and annoyed about it, and said that he was sure it was inosent and that womens minds work in strange ways. He said he had loads of contacts that didnt mean anything (i personally think he got rather defencive because he knows he's doing it and its wrong....) He then turned and said that he thought it was me talking not my friend..... I couldnt respond because, little one was in back of the car, and didnt want to have an argument in front of him.....! Stupid readly, that was my chance.....!

I am thinking that i should wait till he's asleep, then go on line, and wait for this girl to chat to him, and let her know that he's married (in a nice way obviously). Is that wrong? I think it is, but that would give me peace of mind. Ahhhh, so annoying!

Or maybe i should search for a man friend to chat to..... (thats prob a bad idea though...)

HJT40, you def have a point! I am not able to go to work at mow, as little one isnt in pre school yet, i have joined a gym, but no one chats :( THinking of taking up self defence classes or something, so i can mix with more people. I do think that it is my lack of adult play (perfectly put btw!!) That causes me to get so low! I need to get out and do stuff! But i never know when he's going to be home from work, so organising things is hard! but your right. I think that its the lack of interation that is causing me to feel like i have nothing to say to anyone and that i'm a boring person. I never used to be!!!

liquidspace - he has web camed with this gal, a couple of times, and she now has a picture of him on her QQ page(chines facebook) entiled my hansome english man...... SOOOOO ANGRY, he would go mental if it was the other way round (i think)

[Lorzy Lor]

sorry, ran out of space......

Velvetee - i read your post the other day, bummer, i know when i was preggers, i was so emotional, and even the slightest thing would make me upset. However, he is letting you read his posts, and is being open with you so fingers crossed all is ok, if anoying. You should keep a close eye on it. Also, as someone else said, your getting married, having his child! surely he wouldnt mess that up! Also, i enjoy porn, but its the secrecy and lieing that gets to me!

Anymore advice, greatly appreciated!

x

[terambulan]

Have been wed 40y before OH past. I've been thru all same as you. Your tot will soon be in k.school where you will meet lots of mums to befriend and widen your horizons. You're OH is feeling neglected while you & your tot bond. OH has a heavy load of financing all of you and maybe stressed. The sex channels are broadcast because of the demand - mainly men - and it is a sort of relief from stress for them as are the chat lines & porno books.

Your son needs his dad as much as you - so dont break that. Online chats etc dont share that with him. Be proud be has chosen you as mother to his child and know he is available to you first - if you want him drag him to bed....he won't resist!

[Lorzy Lor]

you'd like to think that he'd love it, however, whenever i do try and drag him to bed, he's not really that bothered, and i end up sorting him out via oral (god, sorry to get so graphic.......) I know that helps him sleep, so i try and do it as often as i can, but then i feel like i'm doing all the work and resent it! But you are right, he has chosen me to mother his child, and i am his wife, and i dont think he'd want to lose me.

[joet75]

lor get yourself a hobby or a job and get mixing with adults. And while you're at it get your husband to a sex teacher. stop pleasuring the selfish tw@t

makes note to tell mrs to read this and get blowing

[Lorzy Lor]

hahahaaa! Good luck with that, thinking i'm a one off!!!! :) Started the search for a hobby/job last night......!

[joet75]

lor good for you. hope you find something. sorry bout the bad joke in bad taste. i don't think before i type it.

[lil75]

You women need to do what I do.....if someone doesnt understand..MAKE THEM!!!! My mate had a fella once that kept watching porn and had magazines etc.....I went out and got her a dirty mag with men in it, I told her to put it in a place where it looks like it sposed to be hidden, but he will find it....she did it, he went mental, shredded the mag and threw it out the window....lol, REVENGE IS SWEET!!!!

You wanna start chatting to strangers (men) in chatrooms, and tell your man all about it, even if you lie, tell him that your in contact regular with a guy from spain (dark, tanned and handsome) lol, make up a name and go from there....he wont like it, I guarantee you of that!!!

[lil75]

Another thing I just thought of...another friend of mine was very upset, when her bloke would rather watch a film and well you know, rather than do it with her, and she is a stunning girl!!! She went to ann summers and got herself a rampant rabbit, he didnt like it one bit that he thought he wasnt pleasing her, and even got jealous of the wabbit lol!

[terambulan]

Am so glad you're laughing....that's a tonic. Now you have pleasured him am sure he wants more.....it's time to tell him to pleasure you; he'll be even more satisfied with that. no, am not giving descriptive lessons-chase your wildest fantasy!

Tell him about all the friends on here, (change ur id b4 u let him on here!)

Whatever the cost to you to keep your partner, offers security & safety to you son - and that's paramount ;o)

[Lorzy Lor]

helloooo! thanks so much for your replys......!!!

Joet75 - its cool! seem to like bad taste,made me laugh!

lil75 - Fantastic! That made me laugh! so funny! I may have to try some of those options! however i dont really know where to go to chat, (and i mean only chat!) online! I'm not that experienced with chat rooms! any sugestions??!?

Terambulan - I agree, i dont want to lose him, maybe thats why i'm reacting so much to it, coz i feel insecure, but little man is the most important thing, and we're all so much better together!

So i need to do what you said, he's out tonight, he's sugested and txt to sugest that well, you know!!!!! ;) we shall see.......!

thanks for your support, i really appreciate your comments!

sleep tight all x

[lil75]

Hi, funny that aint it, how its alright for them, but as soon as they get a taste of there own medicine all hell breaks loose!!!

Dont know of any chat rooms, but I would just google it, find the name of one you can remember and just lie about it, make it sound as if you only chat with him when he is at work, make up a few covos and tell him about them....he wont like it, Trust me

[alishalexy]

Decide first do you want to make this marriage work , then get on track.
You need to put spice back into your marriage, 8yrs can seem like a life time.
Unfortunatly a lot of men change when kids come into the picture. They are getting less attention and they need some.
Your lucky your slim and attractive, get some new clothes make sure they are feminine and attractive, try not to be predictable surprise him. Don't let him know its for him, he will know eventually himself. Call in re-enforcements, no need to tell them the problems, get grandparents/friends to help with the child, it does not make you a bad parent.
Get your hair done.......get out of the house, library, club, social events, swimming etc... loads you can do.
Let him think you have made friends outside and have transformed, become light and bubbly and happy not too quickly. He will start to wonder why the transformation and get jelous,he will be more attention. You need to get active in the bedroom, let him think you want it, its for you, your hunger.
You can try to keep the little one awake in the day, then nap in the afternoon 1 to 2 hours only. Be active with him in the afternoon or early evening and put him to bed/tired out at 8pm. Child not husband! Then spend some cosy time with your husband.
Eventually put your foot down on the chats, either a lock and keep hubby off pc or get rid of pc. There are ways to get around this. Pick yourself up before its too late early days still.
You could try getting another bedroom ready for when or if child wakes in night then just go to him instead of disturbing your hubby where then he won't have an excuse to go down to pc.
Put a lock on pc this instant and then blame me. I would sort him out! Or try telling him you will talk to men on the net too. Unless hes getting you back for doing this. Try not to be too worried. Just get your life back.